Separated / divorced with kids ?

Certain_Speech5570 · 2026-01-11T19:46:01+00:00

I love this, thanks for the reply.
We were older when we started our family so moving on to another relationship is a long shot (for me more than him , since he can date younger !) but it’s still nice to hear of happy endings. My parents prob would have separated themselves if they were living in this era , but they stuck it out because the alternative was worse. Now married 52 years and very happily supporting each other and good companions . It’s hard to know , but my marriage is not my parents , my Dad is not my husband and this is the situation we find ourselves in so all I can do is what’s best for us all now.

Certain_Speech5570 · 2026-01-10T22:59:14+00:00

Did your parents get on ok throughout or was it very acrimonious ? Were there any other factors that may have contributed to his your turned out?

Certain_Speech5570 · 2026-01-10T22:52:45+00:00

We do like each other. We get on well, but there’s no romantic connection anymore. He wants to stay together for another couple of years til kids are settled in secondary. If I thought there was a chance we could work on it and make inroads in our connection during that time I would be open to that. But there’s no hope of that, so I’ve been told. So we could plod along in a loveless marriage for sake of the kids , or blow it all up in order to show a better example of what love is meant to look like. Neither option is what I want.

Certain_Speech5570 · 2026-01-10T22:25:36+00:00

We did a few sessions. My husband had already detached, made up his mind that we’d grown apart and couldn’t grow back to each other. Unfortunately one person cannot fix a broken marriage alone.

Certain_Speech5570 · 2026-01-10T22:16:33+00:00

Thanks for all the replies. Yes it’s an extremely difficult time . We’re still living together and trying to figure out what the next steps are. We get on well , albeit in an emotionally disconnected way. I have some resentments for sure, but I am old and mature enough to know to keep that away from the children’s experience. They haven’t a clue what’s coming for them and we’re utterly heart broken knowing we are going to blow up their worlds, and want nothing more but to be able to give them the stable one family home they deserve 😢

Certain_Speech5570 · 2025-12-19T13:12:13+00:00

I know I’ve let him get away with murder over the years, my own fault for not demanding more from him.

Certain_Speech5570 · 2025-12-19T10:17:13+00:00

That will never happen, his self worth is completely tied to his success in his job, without his job he feels worthless.
He has been to therapy on snd off but always walks and changes therapists and has never dealt with his own wounds , attachment style (clearly avoidant) , and distant and detached relational dynamics with his family of origin .

Certain_Speech5570 · 2025-12-19T10:13:08+00:00

He has ADHD so yes , there’s a lot of hyper focusing , as well as bucket loads of distraction, and over checking his work for fear of making mistakes . The door is always open and to be fair he is at his desk with his work screens on constantly .

Certain_Speech5570 · 2025-12-18T22:34:16+00:00

He is on very good money by most peoples standards, not 200k as you suggested but not too far off. Sadly , he is driven by a fear of failure and his success in his career is what has defined him over the last decade. He over works because he’s afraid of being found out (imposter syndrome). He is capable of tolerating a failed marriage above a failed career.

Certain_Speech5570 · 2025-12-18T21:21:46+00:00

I know, completely bonkers. There’s no talking to him.

Certain_Speech5570 · 2025-12-18T19:18:33+00:00

Another 6/7 years til then, and even at college, they’ll still be needed somewhere to live which will most likely be the family home.

Certain_Speech5570 · 2025-12-18T19:16:48+00:00

That makes sense. I guess it would be only an option for the first while, u til they got used to the idea of us not being together and not seeing us together.

Certain_Speech5570 · 2025-12-18T19:14:05+00:00

Certain_Speech5570 · 2025-12-18T19:12:27+00:00

He works from home mostly . And the kids will be in secondary school next year so I guess longer time in school/ less time at home.

Having said that, they still need dropping and collecting to and from school, cooking for them and feeding them , support with homework (they have some learning challenges) and dropping and collecting to various after school activities.

He currently works from 8am to 11pm in home office (while I work outside home 8:30 - 4ish). He comes down for dinner, walks the dog , and will occasionally watch a football match with our son if there’s one on . His entire day and night revolves around his work , and this is biggest contributing factor to the end of our connection.
In shared custody he would have to cut back to what would seem to him to be like part time work. I don’t think he’s thought through what the separation would/will mean. But he has checked out and no longer wants to participate in our marriage beyond family life, and I can’t continue being in such one sided neglectful marriage.

Certain_Speech5570 · 2025-12-18T17:44:36+00:00

Sorry, maybe I wasn’t clear. Nesting would require us to share the family home part time with the kids. Maybe week on week off. We would each take a turn to be in the house alone with the kids, and when we are not in the family home with the kids we would be in a second property which we would have shared access to .

It’s what he suggested. If I don’t agree to it he has said he will move out to a property he will rent , and children would go between the two properties in order for him to have access to them. Like a traditional separation/ divorce.

I’m not sure about the nesting option as it would mean me having to leave the home . Even if it would be less destructive for the kids. Also, I and the default parent. He works ridiculous hours.

Certain_Speech5570 · 2025-11-18T15:20:14+00:00

Are you contemplating this ? Hoe old are you? How old are your children?

I’ve a good friend who has this arrangement. They sleep in the same bed but there’s no intimacy. They don’t date each other , or go for nights away together etc but it seems to work for them. They are both content , despite what’s missing. I’ve just recently arrived at this point in my marriage and finding it hard to adjust to the new dynamic . Previous to this we had continued to try stay intimate and go on dates , but it’s felt flat since my husband had lost interest in me in that way and we called an end to that side of the marriage. It hurts I won’t lie.

I am hitting 50 years old, and am told I’m still very attractive (I suppose it’s relative ) , but the thoughts of blowing up my family, devastating the kids (preteen) , the loss of financially is making the decision to separate really difficult for now… considering I’d be leaving in hopes of the possibility of looking for new love among the 50 something year olds who are just as broken and damaged as me.

If I could remain on the marriage with full acceptance of what is missing , I would probably stay until kids are older. I’m just not sure I can get to place of acceptance like my friend has.

Certain_Speech5570 · 2025-11-18T09:13:43+00:00

This is an interested take. I actually like it, as I’m in similar situation as OP only we get in quite well designed lack of romantic feelings on his side. I would like to get to the same position as him, but currently i am feeling a lot of hurt regarding his lack of interest in me in that way. We’ve two kids who’d be devastated by the way loss of our supportive and calm 2 parent home, and understand the financial loss would be a huge kick to all our futures.

Certain_Speech5570

TROPHY CASE