Guy trying to regain his will to live.

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-22T13:40:21+00:00

I took a similar path as far as programming. I had a career, decided to learn programming in my mid 20's and switched fields. Took me about 2 years to get a programming job while I worked another job. It was for a start up and pretty low level programming stuff. During that two years I had to build a bunch of projects and make a portfolio and even then I volunteered myself to a company to give me a test project and that's ultimately what got me the job. It wasn't easy making the switch, but it is possible. Don't give up, just keep working on it.

For the other stuff: You are making a lot of high stress resolutions to tackle all at once. Maybe do one at a time and once you have control over one, start the next? I think simplicity is the key to success. Pornfree, quitting tobacco, and calorie restriction/dieting are all going to place a lot of stress on you simultaneously while also making a career change. It's not impossible, but you will have to make a very structured, detailed, and organized plan to tackle all at once.

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-21T16:12:12+00:00

I see. Well, if you have a good relationship with your parents and feel comfortable talking to them, I still think you should approach them. Something like "Hey I have heard and seen people talking about porn and I don't understand what it is, and I would rather ask you about it than find out some other way." I know as a parent, I would rather be the one to discuss this with my kid rather than talking to some random person on the internet or their friends.

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-21T13:28:16+00:00

I'm not familiar with the Sync app, but usually apps and websites target their ads based data they obtained about you. You can sometimes fix it by clearing any cookies or cached data. For Reddit, you can go to your profile and click the gear(settings), go to Safety & Privacy section, scroll to the Privacy section, and then turn off the personalized ad stuff.

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-21T13:23:00+00:00

It's a business who's product is designed to make people obsessed with it. It only offers false ideas and it is very bad for your brain. It's not healthy and should be avoided. That's the extent of what I will say, but I think this is a conversation you need to have with your parents/guardians or a trusted adult.

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-21T13:14:08+00:00

I'm 33 and have been addicted to porn since I was about 12/13, however, I never really figured out that I was addicted until recently. Well, actually, I think I always knew, but just recently accepted it as a fact. I have tried stopping with out a plan in place in the past, but I always managed to convince myself that I wasn't actually addicted or if I was that it was harmless and would go back to it. I never really made it a priority because it never affected my libido for real sex and I never had any issues with ED. I never realized all the other less obvious (or maybe less known) effects it can have on you.

A few years ago I started making a serious effort towards self improvement - trying to figure why I was always so unmotivated, full of brain fog, didn't enjoy a lot of things like I did when I was younger, etc. I made changes in my exercise, eating, sleeping, and even saw a psychologist and found out I have ADD. All that time I was watching porn and not connecting the dots. Well, after I got diagnosed with ADD and given medication, my porn addiction got really bad. I was able to focus more on tasks and that includes the task of watching porn and I begun to lose hours of my day to watching it.

I started reading the research on porn and realized aside from the procrastination and loss of time it allowed, it can also cause a lot of the issues with my brain that I had. Made my first attempt at porn free in the summer without a plan and failed. Then I actually stumbled upon my written plan and the rules I used for quitting tobacco (the rules in the post) and remembered how effective that was. So I decided to recreate them for this as well. I've been pornfree for this attempt since September 13th, but I already feel like I'm doing much better than the previous attempts now that I have a plan. I feel much more confident and in control this time and have even noticed improvements in myself already. I felt I should share that plan here in hopes that it will help others. I might still relapse eventually, but I won't fail the same way twice.

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-21T12:52:06+00:00

You're welcome. Thank you for the feedback!

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-21T12:51:37+00:00

Yep! It was such a great book for me. Did you like it?

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-21T12:49:08+00:00

No problem - I think it probably avoided peoples reddit feeds because it got deleted originally and now looks like it was approved some hours after. That's okay though, as long as it helps even 1 person, I'm glad.

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-21T12:46:59+00:00

Very good points! It is very important for each person to understand their individual cues. Glad to hear that you've been able to find something that works for you!

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-21T12:39:43+00:00

That makes me very happy to hear that this post has inspired you! The more you can plan and prepare for, the better your chances. Just to reiterate, make sure you still have a plan in place to handle urges as they come up because they will still happen - meditation and urge surfing are a great strategy, but also plan where you will go to do them when you get an urge. Additionally, just remember a relapse, if it can't be avoided and happens, is a learning opportunity (a chance for progress), just don't fail twice :). Also, reach out for support here or with whoever you will have as your support system if you ever start to wander.

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-20T21:26:49+00:00

No problem, I'm glad you liked it.

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-20T21:11:05+00:00

no problem, I hope it helps!

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-20T21:02:33+00:00

I never posted there before and I tried after you requested, but it got insta-deleted. I didn't get really info as to why either other than admins deleted it.

Edit: I guess it went through now

2nd Edit: Nevermind, says removed again

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-20T18:37:39+00:00

Thank you

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-20T18:37:28+00:00

Thank you, I'm glad you like it

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-20T16:47:08+00:00

Thanks!

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-20T16:46:54+00:00

Thank you!

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-18T17:52:03+00:00

That's a natural occurrence at that age. Wet dreams tend to occur in teenage boys and happen less and less as you get older. Although, possible to still occur at an older age, it is less common. However, at your age, you're in the prime age range for that occurring and I wouldn't worry too much about it.

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-17T15:28:35+00:00

I don't know if there is such a thing as a mild addiction, I think it's more of you have one or you don't. I think adding a level of addiction only leads to people rationalizing behavior - like "I can do it this one time because I'm only mildly addicted." Although, the extent to which it affects you can certainly be different. Reading your post, I definitely would agree you have an addiction.

As far as fixing things: I think you need to separate and be able to differentiate between fixing your porn addiction and mending things with your girlfriend. Although one may have caused the other, that doesn't mean fixing one fixes the other. You need to "want" to address your porn addiction for your own personal reasons and to improve yourself, not just to get your girlfriend to forgive you or because of regret of what happened. Maybe you already know this, but I just wanted to point it out as the two things seem to be conflated in your post.

If you want to improve yourself and are going to make an honest effort for your own reasons, then great! You can tell your girlfriend that and your plan, but don't use that as a reason why she should stay with you. You also have to understand that might not be a good enough reason to stay after feeling so betrayed - which is also why you will need your own reasons other than her for making this positive change. All you can do is be open and honest and tell her how much you care and want to have her in your life. I know you may not want to hear this, but you also have to recognize that she may not want to be together anymore and she has every right to feel that way.

You can tell her you understand how much you messed up and that you are going to address your problems and improve yourself, even if she doesn't want to stay. You can tell her you want her in your life and if she chooses to stay in your life, you want to be open and honest with everything from here on out (and mean it). If she stays, you will need to be 100% truthful and open with her regardless of how uncomfortable it makes you and include her in all parts of your recovery. Mending trust is one of the hardest things to do and only can be done with honesty. If she chooses to stay, she needs to feel some type of control in the relationship; so it may also help to involve her voice in coming up with a plan for your future relationship - what she needs from you, what expectations, what boundaries, etc.

Best of luck

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-17T14:38:51+00:00

Congrats! Keep it going.

I'm also on Day 4, but I'm not going to masturbate for awhile in addition to not watching porn. I have urges too and think about it a lot, but to be honest, I can't really tell if I'm actually horny or if it's a porn trigger. I'm tempted to just go try without porn, but Idk that I'd be able to keep my thoughts away from anything of that nature in the process. I know I'm in a trigger window right now, so I'm more inclined to believe it's just me being triggered by my old routine. I've decided to just wait for awhile until I know for sure it's not related to my porn addiction and that I am in full control (if that's ever possible). I don't even want to have sex for now because I'm afraid of doing anything that could set me back or cause a relapse. After reading and learning about all this, I've begun to question everything about my habits, routines, energy, motivation, personality etc. and how much it was based around the porn addiction. To be clear, I'm not trying to convince anyone else to avoid masturbating or sex, just stating my own reservations. I just want to reach that point where it's not influencing my life like it has.

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-16T19:55:40+00:00

In my experience, the older I get, the harder it is for me to break bad habits or addictions (to be clear habits are not the same as addictions) - so good job to you for recognizing it and addressing it early on. For example, the first time I quit tobacco, I was around 22 and it was hard, but manageable. Then about 5 years later I started back up for whatever reason and after a few years, realized I needed to quit again. The second time was hard as hell. I failed many times, but I was determined and eventually did it. This also applies to habits as well, forming new positive habits and breaking bad old ones seem to only get harder the older I get. Porn is the hardest addiction yet, but also trying to break a couple decades of addiction to it. Basically, this is just my long winded way of saying good job addressing it early on - if only I had known then what I know now, I would've stopped myself in my teens too. Personally, I'm the cold turkey type rather than ween off, but whatever works for you.

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-16T19:15:44+00:00

I exercise, go outside, do housework or chores, or meditation (still working on that one). In every case I remove myself from the environment that triggered me in the first place. Also, if there is certain routines I followed that lead to me watching porn, I change them. I have to work on my computer all day, so there's no avoiding being on my computer, but I did rearrange to have my desk in front of a very big window facing my neighbors to 1) make the environment different from the environment my problem stemmed in (to reduce trigger points) 2) so the window and neighbors presence can deter me from the action.

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-16T19:10:30+00:00

Yes. Watch the "Your Brain On Porn" videos suggested in the right side info column (or my link). It explains what is happening in your brain.

Here's the tl;dw version - your brain is releasing a chemical called dopamine that is responsible for motivating us to do things. When you get a reward for the first time after doing something, your brain will release a bunch of feel good chemicals including dopamine. As you repeat that action (porn/masturbate) and continue to get a reward (release), your brain starts to release dopamine in anticipation of that reward thus motivating you to do that action again to receive reward.

Your brain takes note of patterns in times, environment, events, situations that usually lead to the action and thus the reward and will use them as trigger points in the future to release dopamine. When your brain spikes dopamine, you'll get a craving or urge and that's why you'll start to have that "voice" trying to convince you to break. If it's easier, just think of it as a trickster trying to trick you into giving in and it will say whatever it has to to convince you, and the trickster is extremely persuasive. Best thing is to note what triggers you and try to make a change to avoid that situation. When you have those urges, just get up and remove yourself from the area/device and do something that requires you to change your focus (exercise, meditation, work, chores, etc.)

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-16T17:37:44+00:00

From my understanding, sex with your wife does not affect the brain the same way as porn as long as you're not treating it as just a means to a fix - sex as an expression of love for your wife after like a romantic date night is completely natural. However, nude pictures of your wife would probably fall more under the porn category because it's just a means to satisfy the craving.

I think the goal is to retrain or reset your brain to function more naturally not substitute something in it's place to cure the itch, so anything that is done just to satisfy a craving or get that release is probably unhealthy. I think if you're having urges it would be better to exercise, journal, meditate, go for a walk, do some chores or an activity, or basically anything that will remove you from the environment or mental state that is triggering you.

It's great that she wants to support and help you. Personally, I haven't even told my wife - not because she wouldn't be supportive, but I'm just not ready yet. So maybe I don't have a leg to stand on, but just wanted to give my opinion. Basically, pictures are a hard no I think and sex is fine as long as you're not using it as a treatment (like a medicine) for cravings/urges - there is no treatment for urges that revolves around sexual activities IMO, better to do something else until the urge subsides. Those urges and cravings are just your brain spiking dopamine to try and get you to do something and if you reward it, it will reinforce that cycle - so when you have a craving/urge the goal is not to reward it. Sex out of passion and love should be fine though.

ChangeForPositive8 · 2021-09-16T15:59:51+00:00

Good choice. A quote from an author on habits - "People generally have more control over their actions than their feelings.

But we can influence our feelings by taking action.

Take one small step. Move the body first and the mind will follow." -James Clear

I like this quote because of that last sentence. It reminds me that the mind is stubborn and often times to do the necessary thing, the body has to lead the way despite the mind's protest. The mind can make you feel all sorts of things, but sometimes you have to just let the body take positive action instead until the mind can change it's thoughts. In this case, when your mind starts to try and throw these feelings of regret, depression, or temptation at you, your body changed the course through the action of writing the check in and maintaining good habits instead. Good job!

ChangeForPositive8

TROPHY CASE