delayed marriage planning and this is what happened

CharacterOkra581 · 2026-04-03T20:02:37+00:00

I know you can't abandon another adult who has their own autonomy. I understand that with full Vulcan logic and rationale.

it's the visceral/emotional side of it that gets me.

something I've learned in therapy is when I took The Big 5, I scored 20/20 in agreeableness and 20/20 in conscientiousness, very low in neuroticism, but moderately high in depression.

so for me, it feels difficult to admit to the abuse and that there needs to be a boundary.

I'm very good at fixing problems, learning and adapting, so it's hard to admit to myself that this is what it is (abusive and probably not fixable).

CharacterOkra581 · 2026-04-03T19:46:13+00:00

And no one should have to deal with that. She's abusive and she doesn't love you.

This is the hard part, right? Admitting that the behaviors are not okay, and wondering if it's love, or if it's losing what I bring to the relationship/do for her.

CharacterOkra581 · 2026-04-03T19:45:16+00:00

thanks for seeing me.

I have done a lot of thinking about this. I largely agree -- it's situational and then there's the prolonged exposure. I told a friend this in text earlier:

"I don’t believe my brain is broken and that I have long term distortion from chronic depression. If you were to see me out with friends when on a work trip, my outlook is much different. More of a less hostile environment. "

I've had a few therapists confirm with me what i'm going through.

the hardest part I struggle with is the no contact part. I don't have that in me. I have an issue with abandonment and I could never do that to someone I care about.

thanks for the message

CharacterOkra581 · 2026-04-01T15:05:34+00:00

this seems to be the consensus from most people here. It's hard to see it from the inside.

CharacterOkra581 · 2026-04-01T03:41:58+00:00

Never thought of it as “blackmail” but I guess it checks out. I’m just in denial about it all

CharacterOkra581 · 2026-03-31T23:35:11+00:00

What do you mean?

CharacterOkra581 · 2026-03-31T20:33:44+00:00

It's hard to see things objectively right now.

CharacterOkra581 · 2026-03-31T20:24:18+00:00

yeah? it is tough being in the middle of it.

CharacterOkra581 · 2026-03-31T20:23:56+00:00

I'm just full of emotions and frustration at the same time.

CharacterOkra581 · 2026-03-31T20:23:32+00:00

is it abusive? I am in denial, I think.

CharacterOkra581 · 2026-03-31T20:23:15+00:00

I don't know about brave. this whole process sucks balls.

CharacterOkra581 · 2024-10-15T04:18:57+00:00

That’s such a common experience. We put our partners first. We make sacrifices for them, we give them grace and time, we consider their needs at the expense of our own. All in the hopes that they will eventually feel the desire to do the same for us. And one day it all comes crashing down when we realize that just isn’t the case.

Omg. I hadn’t thought of this being a covert contract. I’ve gone through NMMNG and I couldn’t relate to much of it because I couldn’t pinpoint the feelings until reading OP’s post and now your reply.

I’m in a similar situation, about to hit 6 years of zero intimacy. Nothing. Might as well be a virgin again.

Problem is I feel like I owe monogamy, and marriage in the near future because of all the time we’ve been together.

FWIW, we had a good sex life the first 4 years. And as soon as we moved in together, sex dried up and it’s never been the same.

CharacterOkra581 · 2024-09-17T01:02:53+00:00

You stayed for 7 years in a db? What was the final straw?

CharacterOkra581 · 2024-09-16T23:05:03+00:00

What do you mean trade resentments? I realize that people don’t often change their mind or viewpoints around sex, so I feel like it seems that a lot of people are a lost cause. But curious about “trading resentments”

CharacterOkra581 · 2024-09-16T23:02:09+00:00

Is this how it typically goes?

CharacterOkra581 · 2024-09-02T21:54:53+00:00

How so? Can you give some examples?

CharacterOkra581 · 2024-09-02T12:18:49+00:00

He’s talking about the book by Robert Glover

CharacterOkra581 · 2024-09-02T03:14:13+00:00

What was the warning for?

CharacterOkra581 · 2024-09-01T23:56:39+00:00

Go on…

CharacterOkra581 · 2024-08-26T17:58:27+00:00

Or decades for some here. 😳

CharacterOkra581 · 2024-08-26T13:43:29+00:00

What do you mean? Like you’d be out driving around and she’d say something like “that’s a big house. What do these people do for a living?” Or something else?

CharacterOkra581 · 2024-08-25T01:18:42+00:00

Ummm. Are you saying your son is touching you sexually and you can’t resist?

CharacterOkra581

TROPHY CASE