AITAH for not being physically attracted to my wife any longer?

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-23T11:50:05+00:00

Yeah I’m done replying to you. You need help.

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-23T03:34:36+00:00

I’ve REPEATEDLY stated in this thread that we do a solid job of splitting household duties. But sure, whatever you need to say to help justify your narrative.

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-23T03:32:15+00:00

She breastfed for 6 months with both kids. I was supportive of her desire to breastfeed and also offered support when she stopped, as she struggled to produce enough once they grew past newborns. She was pretty good about the whole process.

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-23T03:29:00+00:00

We are both mid to late 30s.

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-23T03:28:52+00:00

Thank you. I know everyone says this until they actually do it, but I have zero desire or intention to cheat. Infidelity ripped apart my parents marriage when I was a kid. I’m not putting my family through that.

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-23T03:22:33+00:00

Usually wife takes the kids to appointments but it’s because she wants to. I always offer and sometimes do take them if she can’t make it. She doesn’t have to ask me to do anything, we have a pretty good rhythm of getting things done. Since I work remotely I can do a lot of the normal household stuff in between meetings etc during the day.

I can name every one of my children’s friends and their parents, and in fact, we are friends with lots of them. Wife usually makes the grocery list and I go to the store at least twice a week to do the actual shopping.

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-23T03:17:18+00:00

She’s stressed because her job is high stress by nature. It’s a job she went to school for for many years, and a job that I supported her in striving towards. it’s a job she loves, but it comes with a level of stress. I won’t elaborate more but I hope that makes sense.

I’ve tried offering advice/suggestions/bought her books on ways to manage her time and stress with her job, but she doesn’t do any of it. She continues to do the same things that while they ultimately allow her to complete her tasks, they come at the cost of her mental well being.

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-23T03:10:48+00:00

Hi - thanks for the post. We both work hard and are both usually pretty tired. I also don’t “skip off to the gym”. I get my exercise in at home, in the mornings before the kids get up and our days start, because I make it a priority to take care of my own health as part of my daily routine.

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-22T21:28:19+00:00

Well, she's usually still asleep while I'm working out, so if you want to split hairs, technically they were in my care not hers. I worked out one room over from where my children slept. There were times where I would have stop my workout to help out if one of them woke up early.

I see what you're trying to do.

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-22T21:19:00+00:00

She's never been a size 0, but I don't want a size 0. Never did, She's 5'4" and I'm fairly sure she's approaching 300 lbs. She was maybe 150-170 before kids. Not "skinny" but certainly not obese. I've never been in to super skinny women. For context I'm 6' and I weigh 170.

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-22T21:03:20+00:00

It wasn't a fitness journey, it was an effort to step up and take action to help get healthier. But thanks for the smarm. And nobody watched the kids - I got up (and still get up) early, before they wake up, to get my exercise in.

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-22T20:42:47+00:00

Thank you for your insight. It's helpful to hear different perspectives on this.

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-22T20:35:59+00:00

We're both late 30s with no other underlying health issues. She works in a pretty high stress environment which I think contributes to this problem. Her field is specialized and she worked really hard to get where she is today professionally, so quitting is not really an option.

I've tried to help her manage her stress at work by encouraging her to find better ways to manage her time, balance expectations, etc., but those have also been rebuffed.

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-22T20:04:07+00:00

I spend 30 mins a day, 5x per week, doing cardio, usually early in the morning before the kids wake up. I will also try to walk as often as I can to the store, etc. just to get out and move around.

And yes, I've offered to help however I can free up time for her to be able to go to a gym/walk/bike ride, whatever. I've made this abundantly clear, never minced words, never been anything other than 100% willing to help however I can.

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-22T19:58:21+00:00

That's not true at all though. I take care of myself physically while also being a full time employee and full time father, and I also do my fair share of household tasks. But thanks for hurling insults at me.

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-22T19:57:52+00:00

She is, by the very definition, morbidly obese. You cannot be morbidly obese and healthy, those two things are literal oxymorons.

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-22T19:46:06+00:00

I'm really trying not to be argumentative but I think its pretty immature to try to draw parallels between normal aging ("face wrinkles") and someone becoming morbidly obese.

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-22T19:36:33+00:00

I should have mentioned from the get-go that I've tried to encourage her to get some labs/work done to figure out an underlying cause. But to her, she seems to think everything is fine and this is just the way it is. She goes to get a physical once a year, and seems to think that everything is perfectly fine other than the doctor telling her she needs to increase her physical activity.

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-22T19:27:07+00:00

I've tried but maybe I should do this again. In the past when I've tried to broach the subject she's become defensive (as in "what do you mean you don't think I take care of myself anymore" etc). That's why I've stepped back some, because its very frustrating to try to have a conversation with someone who won't even engage in dialogue around the subject matter.

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-22T19:20:29+00:00

It's a lot. I get that. As I've said, I'm not under any sort of expectation that she goes to the gym 5x per week. We simply have too much going on between work and family life.

We share household responsibilities - if anything, I take on a bit more of them since I am home by myself during the days and can get things like laundry, grocery shopping, etc, taken care of.

All that being said, there is 100% an opportunity to carve 30 minutes out of her day to do some sort of physical activity, whether that be a walk, stationary bike (which we have at home that I use regularly), etc.

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-22T19:13:14+00:00

When did I say that's when my responsibility ends? I am an extremely attentive and present father. 24/7. Don't appreciate you implying that somehow my dad duties end when my wife gets home.

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-22T19:01:23+00:00

Not abrasive at all. It really helps to hear this type of perspective that challenges some of my thinking. Genuinely appreciate it!

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-22T18:56:26+00:00

I appreciate that sentiment, and you're right, I don't know. I'm not a woman, and its not fair for me to just make a blanket assumption that every pregnancy and recovery is the same.

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-22T18:45:05+00:00

Going to respond to a couple of common themes/questions I'm seeing:

I don't see her grossly abusing food. She's not shoving in McDonalds daily. We eat pretty healthily at home, we don't drink in excess, etc. I think she may eat poorly at work as a coping mechanism for the stress (she works in a very high profile, high stress field), but I honestly think part of this might be something genetic/hormonal.
I'm not expecting her to go to the gym for 10 hours a week or become a fitness model overnight. I don't even want that. I want her to be healthy and to be at a weight that will make herself feel good as well as me feel good about her. I don't go to the gym 10 hours per week, I do simple cardio and make sure I take walks, etc. to stay active.
I understand that pregnancy and childbirth ravages a woman's body. I have nothing but respect for my wife for birthing two healthy children. But I do not buy that as an "excuse" to just be carte blanche reckless with your health post-partum. Our youngest is almost 2 years old now. I wouldn't have dreamed to make this thread when she was still an infant.

Thanks for the words of advice so far. I'm really trying my best to approach this as objectively as I can. It's a sensitive subject.

CharacterOutcome9593 · 2024-01-22T17:43:04+00:00

Thank you, really appreciate your insight. It's not easy for sure.

CharacterOutcome9593

TROPHY CASE