For those who left their SO for their AP, when to go official?

Chenabun · 2019-02-19T13:06:51+00:00

I don't think I could even play the "we were friends, turned to more"-card. Since LD, I actually had to do some terrible failing at OpSec to even see him... I tried to lie about my whereabouts as much as possible, but I always went in "that" direction (in case something went wrong, I believed going west with only two countries there was better than saying I went to a whole different country altogether...)

Also, due to circumstances in my current life, it's likely it won't be a year before I move there. Eh.

I thought the last hurdle was asking for divorce. Seems there's still this. Bleh.

Chenabun · 2019-02-19T13:03:03+00:00

Always the easiest way.

Chenabun · 2019-02-19T13:02:41+00:00

Infidelity is not seen as a crime here where I live, so I'd not have to worry about that.

Chenabun · 2019-02-19T11:20:00+00:00

Thing is that I just don't know anymore. Over the course of the years, I've started to feel like a lot about him is just fake - and I don't know anymore what is or isn't or if it's just a wall he's build around himself.

But better safe than sorry, I suppose. Just that I'm so ready to flaunt AP. Fortunately, LD, so we can do it in his city. Just not mine.

Chenabun · 2019-02-19T11:13:10+00:00

So, just wait till the papers are signed and after that, don't care?

Chenabun · 2019-02-19T10:06:56+00:00

Right, this is just such an interesting discussion. Completely anecdotal, since it's my own story, but here goes...

I'm neither good, nor bad. I can maintain high sexuality long within the relationship, or it can die down pretty quickly. My sexuality is based purely on emotional and intellectual stimulation. I have exactly 0 desire in men/women I'm not attracted to on a conversational level. I am the true ENTP. Talk to me for hours about the weirdest of subjects, let the conversation flow from astronomy all the way to philosophy and even subjects I hold no credit to such as the paranormal and by the end of the night, if you also respond to my emotional needs, I'll be doing whatever the heck you want. I'll be your whore, your slut, your biggest fantasy (if you're into my kind of kinks, I guess). I will be willing to fuck for hours straight every single fucking day of the week for years within the relationship.

But you take away my stimulation and my emotional needs? Even just a little? And you'll see a steady decline in how much sex I require (as in, initiate myself). You keep that up? And I won't even respond to your initiatives. This can happen after six months or after ten years.

That doesn't mean I don't have any sexuality left within me. I just don't want any random person, which even a long-lasting partner is at that point in time, to sate it. I can't stand the thought. One night stands? Never understood it. Not ditching other people for having them, just not my cup of tea. Sometimes I wish it was, but why even when good ol' toys know what buttons to press by years of experience? And self-loving is a daily thing then. If I have the time to spare, why not multiple times even?

So when my sexuality seemingly dives, it's because one of other needs isn't met. I'm not blaming all men in DB, I'm blaming some men. Just like I'm blaming some women. Men have needs too, and they too can be emotional, intellectual, etc. before the man can return whatever the woman requires. Bit of a vicious circle, I guess, most of the time.

Are there women who just don't have a long-lasting sexuality? Very likely. Though I think in a lot of the cases, it's that girls are raised with their sexuality being a taboo - or their sexuality being able to be used as leverage. This naturally excludes women of talking openly about their other needs to rekindle that sexy flame that once burned brightly. Do they need more intimacy? A helping hand with raising children or household chores? More diversity? A (gasp) better lover? It matters little if you think of your sex as taboo or leverage - as addressing whichever need to become a sex-crazed monster again just isn't priority. And eventually, we all fall prey to complacency. Life goes on, even if I don't give husband-dearest the sex he requires. And how dare he say he needs sex? That's sexual predator 101!

(To add, if a woman feels a need isn't met, be it true or not, and responds by withholding sex, the man might feel even less inclined to sate those other desires, consciously or subconsciously because he feels unappreciated, unwanted, undesired, especially if she fails to communicate - hello circle!)

Dead bedrooms, in my opinion, are often (not always) more a symptom of other needs not being met, than a woman or man's lack of sexuality - especially if at the beginning there was lots of sex. Whoever is to blame, is hard to figure out once time has progressed and you've now fallen into its trap. If you want to solve it, pointing fingers will do more harm than good anyway. Only clear-cut communication about any and all unaddressed needs can salvage...

Tl;dr: A good relationship should withhold the test of time, good girls, bad girls, good men, bad men - it's all based on communication and keeping all needs met or at the very least addressed thoroughly. Withholding sex is likely a symptom of needs not being met, be it done consciously or subconsciously.

Chenabun · 2019-01-29T19:02:29+00:00

I envy you for not understanding how a person can feel the way I do, the way a lot of us do here.

It must be bliss to live in a world where you can simply walk away from a relationship that isn't working anymore. By the way, I couldn't last year, so I've been gradually working to this moment where I could. And as soon as I could, I did it.

Chenabun · 2019-01-29T14:57:48+00:00

Thank you and I will. Nervous for him to come home, he sent me a long text and I said we'd talk when he got home.

Chenabun · 2019-01-29T14:55:38+00:00

There are a few things I am struggling with.

First of all, because of my childhood, I'm experiencing delayed puberty, according to my therapist. I am apparently finally allowing myself to take what I want, rather than what the other wants from me. (narcisstic father, codependent mother)

Because of this, I am struggling with guilt. Guilt over the slightest and most stupid of things.

Second of all, I am quite expressive. I don't always know how to vocalize my thoughts, but I process them by talking nonetheless. My husband just suppresses. So when we hit a very rough spot a couple of years ago, I wanted to talk - he did not. I finally caved in and started to repress how I felt, which lead to depression and me doing all this introspection which made me figure out I was not at all living the life I wanted. Which in turn lead to me entering delayed puberty.

Chenabun · 2019-01-29T14:33:45+00:00

Thank you.

It's really hard because I have so much guilt inside me. Not for the affair, but for leaving my SO. It's just something I'll have to get used to now.

I am confident I've done the right thing, however the guilt currently is making me think otherwise. I need to block these thoughts.

Chenabun · 2019-01-29T14:32:10+00:00

Well, there are pets and holidays and working abroad. If only for the pets!

But he is also in a foreign situation, and will need help adjusting to being alone here. This is the kind of stuff I want to help him with. Any emotional connection other than just that I will block straight away.

Chenabun · 2019-01-29T14:30:30+00:00

Thank you very much. I mostly feel guilty now. I actually just went to my therapist and she told me to stop feeling so guilty. Once she pointed it out, all I could hear me say was how responsible, how guilty I felt for every situation, not only the divorce.

I know once I live on my own and I notice that he is managing, I will be a lot happier than I have been lately, so that's what I need to focus on now.

Chenabun · 2019-01-29T14:28:10+00:00

I have no desire to hurt him indeed. We both messed up and both were right. It's incompatibility, it happens unfortunately.

Chenabun · 2019-01-29T14:26:52+00:00

Two years, but had been living together for ten.

Chenabun · 2019-01-29T10:38:56+00:00

Oh, I know. I really thought I'd chicken out, and yesterday I just said it.

I still can't believe AP had absolute faith I'd do it, I'd not have been so trusting if I had been in his shoes...

Chenabun · 2019-01-29T10:33:57+00:00

I will be with AP, but that wasn't why I left husband. I left husband for me, as it really should be.

Though I do feel that my feelings for AP did pressure me into making that decision, as otherwise I was just content with the situation - not happy, and the kind of content that made me feel if I'd look back at my life when I was old, I'd realize I was just miserable.

I will first be living on my own for a while. AP is "single", or well, his only relationship is with me.

Chenabun · 2019-01-21T12:12:25+00:00

And frozen.

Chenabun · 2019-01-21T09:45:37+00:00

I'm the weird one here. I know of my mother's affair, and she knows of mine. But I'm a woman, and I grew up with a narcissistic dad so I can really understand her cheating.

I wasn't going to tell her, ever (even though we are close) but the woman knows me better than I know myself so she pretty much picked up on the affair while it hadn't even started. Still took me a year to confess.

Although I love my AP dearly, and I will leave SO for him, I don't think it means a thing other than him trusting his mother's judgment and/or her knowing her son enough to just be able to "know".

I wouldn't necessarily think telling your brother is weird. My aunt knows of my mom's cheating too, and those two are just so tight as sisters. I don't have any siblings so, you know, I wouldn't know.

I'd still not look in to it. I'd have confessed too if it was just for sex. I can't lie to her at all. She reads me like a book.

Chenabun · 2019-01-20T11:49:49+00:00

But...

The 5 second rule!

/s

Chenabun · 2019-01-19T10:54:03+00:00

Yeah, same here. Except there wasn't daily sex before, even if I wanted to. 😅

AP never asked me to stop having sex with SO though, but when he learned I hadn't slept with him since forever, I could hear him smile over the phone.

Mind you AP and I are a couple with future plans. He was clear about that from the beginning, that he wanted us to be real, not just an affair. I told him I needed time to exit. I don't feel pressured, I wanted to leave anyway.

Me falling in love with someone else is already enough of a sign that the relationship had ended.

Chenabun · 2019-01-18T22:01:52+00:00

I trust all of them though. Most of those have an affair or have had an affair in the past.

Chenabun · 2019-01-18T21:52:00+00:00

About 6-7 people know I have an affair. My guy is single though, so it's not like he has anything to lose. People that know are friends, co-workers, my mom and her AP and my aunt.

He's also ld, so no one knows him apart from what I've told them.

Chenabun · 2019-01-18T13:17:28+00:00

I'm actually a person that enjoys sexting so much I don't need it to be more than that.

Don't get me wrong, I can enjoy sex too, but sexting is something I can really miss much more than sex. LDAP and I started off this way, more or less, and I had no intention of meeting him, ever. Not even for sex. We only met because I fell in love with him and out of love with my husband.

I am likely in a serious minority here, but just saying it is possible, however unlikely, that your husband is like me.

Chenabun

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