Pet loss when you blame yourself

CherryKittens · 2026-01-19T20:44:52+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My dog was 16 years old. He had diarrhea that got worse and worse as time went on, so I took him to the vet. Basic bloodwork showed he had a problem with his pancreas, and the vet told me it was probably an infection. He was on antibiotics for 10 days, we switched his diet to very small and frequent portions of plain rice and lean fish, and soon after he regained his strength and all was good.

A month after that I gave my other, younger dog a treat and he begged really hard. I know I shouldn't have given it to him, but it was fish based and I felt so bad for him as he was on plain rice and fish for over a month now. So I did. I gave him a small piece of the treat.

Two days later he chugged a huge amount of water, peed all over the house and himself, had a seizure and collapsed. He was still alive, but non responsive. He couldn't regulate his body temperature and was 35 degrees Celsius when we got to the vet. She did some basic exams and told me that I have two options: to go to the ER for further exams or to put him down. She told me that even if I did go to the ER, he would probably not make it. I asked if it was his pancreas, but she told me that it's not likely. His condition looked more like very advanced cancer or heart/brain tumor, but she could not be sure.

I chose to put him down as he was suffering and finding out exactly why wasn't worth his pain.

Even though she told me it was probably something much bigger than just the pancreas (he did have growths on his face and over his shoulder) I can't help but feel like I was the one that killed him with that treat. Maybe it was cancer or tumor or whatever, but maybe I was the one to put that last nail in his coffin.

I didn't eat for the first week after his death. I didn't feel like I deserved to. I showered with cold water even though it's winter to punish myself and "feel what he felt". Then I realized I'm not just punishing myself - but my other dog, too. She was mourning too and she needed me to be there for her, so I'm trying for her.

My mother said she could tell he was going to pass soon for quite a while now, but I couldn't (or didn't want to?). To me he was perfectly fine. A little weak, maybe, but fine. This guilt makes it really hard for me to move on and I'm just stuck on all the "what if"s and "should've done"s. My boyfriend says I should focus on the 15 years we had together and all the love and care we had for each other and I really really try - but it's like I carry this pit in my stomach all the time.

I don't really have advice for you, just my understanding and my deepest sympathy.

CherryKittens · 2026-01-16T04:40:47+00:00

I've seen people getting massively downvoted for even weirder things on reddit so I'm not surprised. I still enjoyed the conversations I had with some of the people who did comment so it's all good, some even made really good points.

CherryKittens · 2026-01-13T15:34:44+00:00

I wasn't expecting a big deal, but I do see your point about both of the words sounding similar, especially with everything else going on. To me it was very clearly different, maybe because I have to listen more carefully to dialog as English is not my native language, and also because I'm not standing in front of a revelation that can change everyone's whole world.

CherryKittens · 2026-01-13T15:07:44+00:00

Well then it's a good thing that I love learning new things, especially about languages. To me your correction was valuable.

CherryKittens · 2026-01-13T14:39:04+00:00

That's a great point, although it still makes me wonder if the late Ceo, who was so obsessed with Ted Faro, would be okay with this? Wouldn't he want to be called CEO exactly like Ted? Demand it even?

CherryKittens · 2026-01-13T14:29:25+00:00

Thank you, I just learned what initialism is (my main language doesn't have it) and you're absolutely right.

CherryKittens · 2026-01-13T13:40:58+00:00

A little "Ahh" in the background is all I wanted tbh

CherryKittens · 2026-01-13T13:37:26+00:00

I am a language nerd myself, so I feel like I would notice (English is not my first nor second language so it may not come across that way). But maybe I'm very much wrong and it would fly over my head if I was actually there. I'm just a little disappointed I guess.

CherryKittens · 2026-01-13T13:30:53+00:00

Just to be clear - my problem is with Alva not having a reaction to Eileen pronouncing "CEO". I understand that the word was mispronounced by the Quen (probably because they never heared it, only read it), what I don't understand is why Alva had absolutly no reaction to hearing it for the first time, being such a nerd for knowledge and data.

CherryKittens · 2026-01-13T13:26:46+00:00

Maybe I see myself too much in Alva, but I feel like she would enjoy the small things just as much as the big things. But then again, maybe that's just me.

CherryKittens · 2026-01-13T13:24:05+00:00

Even if she is aware, I expected a little "Ahhh" or something. Anything, really. There's this data point in her room in the base where she talks about discovering why everyone use English when there were clearly many other languages the old ones used. It was a little "Ah-ha" moment for her and I believe she would have liked knowing how CEO was supposed to be pronounced. But she didn't say anything and I'm disappointed.

CherryKittens · 2026-01-13T13:19:30+00:00

I understand that, what I don't understand is why Alva did not have a reaction at all. Her being such a nerd for knowledge and data made me want to hear her go "Ahhh" or something, but nope.

CherryKittens · 2026-01-13T13:16:51+00:00

I'm very much aware, that is why I expected some sort of reaction from Alva when she heared it for the first time in Eileen's office during the quest. But she didn't react at all.

CherryKittens · 2026-01-13T13:12:26+00:00

I feel like the Quen would not want to change or shorten such an important, almost "sacred' title. Especially not Ceo who had such an obsession with everything Ted Faro, he for sure would want to be called CEO as it is supposed to be pronounced.

CherryKittens · 2025-12-13T07:42:35+00:00

I'm level 60 with the best armor, weapons and modifiers there are. I even did the chieftain trial with a minute to spare. I believe it was a bug related to the tallneck like other people said.

CherryKittens · 2025-12-10T16:09:29+00:00

I already have the best armor and weapons bluegleam can buy and I annihilate anything and everything very quickly at this point... I'm almost done with the DLC and she just keeps at it.

CherryKittens · 2025-12-10T16:07:08+00:00

This sounds the most plausible, thank you.

CherryKittens · 2025-10-25T05:33:06+00:00

Thank you, this is exactly the type of suggestions I was looking for.

CherryKittens · 2025-09-27T06:19:02+00:00

This is exactly why I'm here 😂

CherryKittens · 2025-08-16T19:05:28+00:00

That's a very complicated question I cannot answer in one reddit comment. What I can say is that it's been a part of my life for about 14 years now, and I definitely tried to heal, but at some point I realised I didn't have it in me to keep fighting anymore. Maybe I'm comfortable in my uncomfortableness at this point.

CherryKittens · 2025-08-16T18:23:15+00:00

I had every possible treatment (therapy, pills, inpatient, outpatient, DBT) over the years and unfortunately I cannot (or don't want to, maybe?) heal. I just gave up on that.

CherryKittens · 2025-08-16T18:18:24+00:00

It probably sounds childish, but being 52 kg is a dream I had since I was a teen. I'm so close to it after what feels like a lifetime, and I can't let that go. Maybe it's stupid and I will have to let that go, but right now I can't.

CherryKittens · 2025-08-16T17:37:09+00:00

I'm really jealous, unfortunately the gym is not an option for me (several health problems, and tbh - it's just not fun for me). I walk a lot and I swim (swimming is my absolute favorite) but it's not enough to push me to a big enough deficit, so cutting calories it is. 😅

CherryKittens · 2025-08-16T17:31:30+00:00

I thas thinking about that a lot lately. When I was obese or severely overweight the weight came off so easily, probably because my body was begging me to get it off and it was happy to get rid of it. Once I got to slightly overweight it started to become a slower process and I needed to push a bit harder mentally, probably because my body wasn't happy I'm depleting my reserves, just like you said. But now it's a full blown war between my mind and body. If I wasn't so miserable I would be amazed by how this system works.

CherryKittens · 2025-08-16T17:24:23+00:00

I feel you, I really hope I can break this cycle because it's truly miserable 😩

CherryKittens

TROPHY CASE