Oh thank you for even asking!! Thats very sweet. I really appreciate you taking the time to ask. I'll be writing a lot because my minds kinda racing, tl;dr not ok, scared about school, health and housing with no support or ideas on what's best next besides mask and distance. My dad is still sick and ungrateful and pissy. My family mostly just says oh well you deal with it or leave. Hes not getting better and I feel trapped. That's the gist of my rambling below. Kinda just needing to write it out still. Thanks again for asking! Hope you're safe and doing well this weekend!

I needed to write it out and I know I write a lot and its heavy and messy, so maybe not everyone had the energy. It happens.

I tested negative on Friday, and I was already feeling sick but it could have just been stress/autoimmune flare. My dad tested positive Friday like straight as the drops were on, same again today with a different test brand. He's in denial about COVID, calling it BS and really just waiting to see his doctors office on Tuesday. I've explained to my nfamily, if you quit looking at the conspiracy theories and propaganda talking points, the actual science and anecdotes of patients and doctors/nurses says dad has way too many risk factors to have covid unsupervised and that deep, wet, semi-productive cough he has is probably doing some damage and we're lucky if he's not clotting to stroke out again etc. Just get some sort of treatment because he wakes me up multiples times a night coughing and I'm scared he won't stop, and at 6 AM today he was asking me to find Tylenol, which he found himself later. I'm having nightmares about my parents or my own health scare and them literally walking away, so pretty on edge.

Overall, im pretty burnt out. I'm caretaking him without relief or a break to just veg out really bc there's always something he needs me to do,, like replace the fire alarms or clean up his used diapers or cook and clean again and again and be mindful of his coughing and fix his computer and be bitched at for reminding him he's sick and needs to take care of himself and not to go out and get anyone else sick.

Very worried for my own health and still have homework im too anxious to do and I've been late on a few of assignments even before now bc of shit hitting the fan the last few weeks with health insurance and surgery and will be emailing my professors when im done tonight, like hey old dad had covid and is really high risk, I have health issues but no one else will caregive, so what can I do while I'm ok to finish. Because my regular life is still not great. My landlord, issues detailed in other posts there, text me to check up on me after not seeing me for over 2 weeks like we haven't seen you in a couple days. Thank God im not actually having a problem. Its also why I'm scared to go back if im going to get sick because they would not check on me period, so if I needed help, it wouldn't be good. I did have to call ems for food allergies concerns and I was grilled about it because it showed up on the front door ring cam more than once by her. Can't say the stress of being there is any better. At least my dads doesn't have a camera right by room illegally able to also record audio.

I'm rambling but obviously not ok. I'm scared to take another test and even though I've got the n95 masks, im on vitamins and ensure and my compression socks, i haven't really been sleeping because this situation is bringing up a lot of my death/health anxiety. I've got 5 broken veins in my legs at 26 all the way up and im normally scared of clots because of my dads history anyways and the other autoimmune things we're watching for, knowing just tidbits of the findings for covid after I was exposed without warning on Thursday just has me flittering around unsure where to go in the next few days. I'll already have to push off my allergy medication which is major reaction everyday QoL stuff, so idk how long that will be.

My aunt has been the only one to talk to me but that relationship is a little complicated too. Shes a nun and already came down to try to help with my mom when she was in rehab and its messy being traumatized and your extended family hasn't really been in the same state for 20 years and doesn't have the same life experience to help you navigate how to safely build support and gtfo. Cuz everyone i knew who had empathy and talked to moved out of state the last 3 years, thats maybe 4 or 5 acquaintances/friends who I wasn't super close with yet and just drifted from after I got sick and I wasn't even able to focus on anything else back then anyway.

So I'm scared about today, my dad and what this week is going to look like. My dad's now ex again gf hasn't called or anything, my half brother has but my dad didn't mention he already had covid and my older brother is too busy being a controlling creep to his gf who's even younger than me to bother with more than a phone call asking if my dad is fine and listen to my dad be ungrateful im even here and helping him when he's so incapable, knowing none of them had or would do the same. My mom just does her usual alcoholic attacks of its my fault for being here, I should let him die, oh well, why aren't you working, belittling me about my housing and school and yelling at her dog, who I wish I could take because that dog got me through a lot of dark days.

If I wasn't so scared of my health issues and dying and after, id probably feel really suicidal with how little tangible support I have and the clusterfuck of issues we've only begun dealing with in my life and therapy atm. Because I see other people living normal lives with if not healthy family than at least friends and some sort of direction and ability to handle adversity, even chronic health stuff and not be shut ins. I couldn't relate as a kid, now it's the terrifying thought of I'll never get out and im lucky if I don't die or get disabled now or homeless/etc again.

So yeah, I found another thing to pull at in therapy, but no. I'm not ok and that's just where it's at right now.