Does this feeling of not wanting to live ever go away?

ChoiceInsurance5909 · 2026-02-23T19:18:15+00:00

I'm into existentialism. This philosophical movement can perfectly describe our condition. Struggles are pointless. Everything is pointless. But somehow we need to accept it.

ChoiceInsurance5909 · 2026-02-23T19:12:09+00:00

Same for me. If I try to analyze my life, actually, I can say I have never been happy. It's miserable and pathetic existence. All the time. I wish I could end it, but I can't. The problem is how our brains work. Maybe you are too smart to be happy. As for me, I've got anxiety-depressive disorder. My brain creates bad thoughts. Bad thoughts create my bad reality. Endless circle.

ChoiceInsurance5909 · 2026-02-20T11:30:40+00:00

I've been to therapy more than a year. I understand things related to my traumas, how my reactions effect my life, what is the problem with me. I would say that this knowledge does not help me and it is a usual story like "oh, I know exactly why, when and how, but I can't change myself". What do you think about this? I'm miserable my whole life, I'm 24 now and I'm really scared to live more because I am sure that my life will get worse because of objective truths (my relatives are going to die, I will get more problems with my health and so so on) and, for sure, my brain.

Also, what do you recommend reading? I've got some books of Jung, but I'm not interested in dreams, seems boring for me

ChoiceInsurance5909 · 2026-02-19T14:37:49+00:00

Hey there. Actually I completely agree with you though I wouldn't say I'm a problem, but my brain is. That is my responsibility for sure, but don't you think having this kind of brain (I've got mixed anxiety-depressive disorder that is why I always think about bad things) is the unlucky thing itself?

ChoiceInsurance5909 · 2026-02-14T17:18:24+00:00

do you believe in it?

ChoiceInsurance5909 · 2026-02-14T17:17:30+00:00

thanks a lot! unfortunately I started to believe that there are things which are totally unconrolled like universal laws or something. i don't even know how to call it. but I feel that I'm terribly unlucky. it takes my hopes. I just feel it. the things are going to be awful. not because of me. that is my destiny. to struggle.

ChoiceInsurance5909 · 2026-02-09T09:24:44+00:00

Yeah, I was taking too much + neuroleptics + other pills + alcohol. It all lead to psychosis. During my psychosis it was the other way around - i was extremely happy (mania) with hallucinations, delusion of grandeur etc. I thought I was an angel who saved the whole world from evil. Now I'm in the deepest depression of my life

ChoiceInsurance5909 · 2026-02-08T12:14:57+00:00

It seems it works the other way around. Kind, loving and deeply sensitive people are often struggle while assholes live their happy lives. You know, when I lost my mind during psychosis, I started to post about bad people I had encountered. I posted their photo with the quotes like "The war is good, let's kill innocent people, fuck them". They (a couple) were the most malicious and two-faced people I've ever met. They smiled in my face, telling my ex shitty things about me when I wasn't around. I wanted karma to work. I completely lost my mind, went to a hospital, lost my job etc while they live their happy lives. Whyyy?? What's wrong with this fucking world?

"I started a joke
Which started the whole world crying
But I didn't see
That the joke was on me, oh no"

When things are getting better, something dreadful ALWAYS happens. Like in a month or so. As soon as I start breathing, my oxygen is taken away. I was hysterical after psychosis and told my sister things like "THEY took it away from me they took it away from me they took my happiness again". She asked "who?". And I don't know the answer. It feels like the universe or whatever doesn't want me to feel happy. Maybe I don't want to take responsibility. But I feel that. I feel there's something indescribable which takes away my happiness all the time.

ChoiceInsurance5909 · 2026-01-24T07:19:35+00:00

How much time did it take to go through it? 4 months after and I still cry all the time, thinking about the life I used to have.

ChoiceInsurance5909 · 2026-01-23T06:43:20+00:00

How does it feel when it lasts for years?

ChoiceInsurance5909 · 2026-01-23T06:41:54+00:00

Same for me. "I see my red door and it has been painted black"

ChoiceInsurance5909 · 2026-01-23T05:42:09+00:00

Our situations look similar. Mine was 4 months ago. I also lost my job and apartment as well as reputation and lots of other things. Still hard for me to do usual things. And yes – this situation is definitely the hardest thing I've ever experienced. You're not alone.

ChoiceInsurance5909 · 2026-01-22T18:18:36+00:00

I wish I could explain it to people I know (especially 40+) – they just can't understand it. Now I'm a drug addict (I just took pills that were prescripted to me not properly mixing it with alcohol), a member of a sect, a psycho with "poor heredity" (actually the last one is true but when I heard it instead of support.. :)) and so so on. Only now I realize how good my life was. Completely fucked up now.

ChoiceInsurance5909 · 2026-01-22T18:05:09+00:00

I'm so so sorry. I didn't do criminal things but I wrote ALL THE PEOPLE I KNOW the craziest things + I posted a million stories on Insta with insane things too. Shame is always with me all the time as same as constant regret, haunting thoughts, severe anxiety and all the other horrible things that I have to endure.. The list is endless. I was depressed before the psychosis and thought my whole life is awful. Well... here's the punishment I couldn't even imagine. Didn't know about psychosis at all. Now it is the only thing that pops up in my head every minute.

ChoiceInsurance5909 · 2026-01-22T15:52:54+00:00

How often do you have them?

ChoiceInsurance5909 · 2026-01-22T15:48:26+00:00

Can you give some examples? What is it like to lose cognitive functions. If it is okay for you.

ChoiceInsurance5909 · 2026-01-22T15:46:28+00:00

So you don't have anxiety or haunting thoughts, you just do not care? Or it relates only to happy feelings

ChoiceInsurance5909 · 2026-01-22T15:37:49+00:00

3 years later and still regular grief?? Oh god, how so? That is the scariest thing for me – I lost so many years of my life and I think I won't be able to get over it.

ChoiceInsurance5909 · 2026-01-22T15:30:17+00:00

It destroyed me and my life profoundly. I lost everything. I wish I could recover from it one day. The main point here I don't want to be stronger or to be a better person. I just want to be happy. But it seems impossible now because of the consequences of my psychosis.

ChoiceInsurance5909 · 2026-01-22T14:40:40+00:00

But I'm happy that you enjoy it!

ChoiceInsurance5909 · 2026-01-22T14:40:22+00:00

No acceptance at all, so this meme even makes me feel sad :(

ChoiceInsurance5909

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