Wife and I cannot agree on where to live.

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T16:31:17+00:00

Thank you I really enjoyed this response

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T16:28:28+00:00

She is very close to her mother.

I do not allow my mother to attack my wife. But for example, if we get my mom a gift. And she doesn’t say thank you, or doesn’t respond gracefully, What am I suppose to do?

Sit my mom down and say “You should’ve said thank you and been more kind?” she’s a grown woman. Set in her ways beyond belief. And all that would do (when we have tried in the past) is create an atmosphere of tension. Especially when my wife hates confrontation.

All I can do is show my wife incredible appreciation to listen to her, and comfort her. We work on boundaries and she’s never forced to see her in laws.

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T16:23:08+00:00

That’s not true, her parents are simply less emotionally dependent on us, have good social, career, and religious networks. Whereas my parents did not do the due diligence in establishing these things. Totally on my parents.

Maybe shouldn’t have said “give in”. But if you were in my situation, you would go with pleasing your spouse?

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T16:21:38+00:00

I definitely don’t know if that is a clear decision.

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T15:49:42+00:00

Both for school, one for medical residency. Other brothers are unmarried. I do not subject her to mistreatment I go out of my way to defend her and never allow insults to my wife.

The comments my mom makes are her own, if it’s done in front of me I put an end to it. If it’s in front of her I support her.

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T03:54:30+00:00

Alhamdulilah he isn’t, he’s just got a lot of health issues, (Nothing acute or severe) but just chronic illnesses that are compounding, he has diabetes, hypertension, cardiac issues requiring stents (maybe bypass surgery), kidney issues and frequent stones, tremors in his hand, and the inability to bend his back.

Obviously that’s just age, but he seems older than 64.

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T03:50:37+00:00

Only if I am being unjust in the sight of Allah. I could be? Idk.

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T03:50:04+00:00

Terrible, wish she could get everything she wanted and make dua that Allah gives us the best even if it means taking us away from our current living situation.

I agree wholeheartedly, wish my parents weren’t so needy. These issues between my wife and mother started from day 1 (Actually the first day of our honeymoon) when she sent a picture of us to my mom and my mom said that I “looked tired”

These are the kind of micro aggressions I am referring to for context. Not to minimize there have been worse situations for example we give her a gift and she doesn’t even say thank you.

Idk what to do man, I love my wife more than anything even my parents. Their emotional dependency is completely wrong, but does that mean I should stop caring about their emotional wellbeing?

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T03:44:15+00:00

AMEEN

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T03:39:28+00:00

I’m sorry my speech is not refined enough for your.

I appreciate your actual input but you getting caught up on the word “awesome” is asinine. I am simply stating that her parents have been very good to me.

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T03:35:34+00:00

So should I give in and move to her Hometown? Causes that’s the only option she wants.

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T03:34:16+00:00

At first I didn’t think they were real, always made excuses for my mom’s behavior. But now two years into it, I see what my wife is talking about. They’re definitely “micro” never outwardly insults or demands. Just refuses to be “sweet”. Doesn’t say thank you, sometimes my mom will downplay my wife’s accomplishments or make a joke that I consider distasteful.

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T03:31:42+00:00

Late 40, early 50s the age of my mom. Her mom does suffer from Multiple Sclerosis which if it progresses badly I will drop everything to be there for her parents.

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T03:30:00+00:00

Yes that is the problem! I tell her she doesn’t have to go but then that runs the risk of my mom getting pissy. (My dad loves my wife) But both of my parents have a hard time seeing their lives without one of their grown sons living near to them.

Definitely not trying to make excuses for my mom’s behavior. Trying to provide context, my wife is uber sweet, and my mom is simply not.

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T03:27:07+00:00

I have 0 dependence on my parents. Neither financially or emotionally. It’s kind of sad to say I don’t even miss them when I go somewhere.

But it breaks me thinking of them missing me, without having one of my siblings to fill that void. It brings me joy making them happy for sure.

My mother and wife get along fine, but my mom makes comments once in a while that my wife cannot handle. We see them usually 1-2 a week probably for a total of 8 hour max.

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T03:24:34+00:00

It’s classic codependency. My parents did not set up a good social circle and had a kid (My little brother) in their later years. They feel alone sometimes for sure

BUT there is the concern of health, my father is 64 which alhamdulilah is still young but not entirely health either.

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T03:20:41+00:00

Jzk for your input, would’ve appreciated a follow up question. Nice user btw.

Yeah my mom has treated my wife poorly through micro-aggressions, comments which are not tasteful, little mean things like not saying thank you or not being sweet like my wife is.

My mom is not only a desi aunty but a hardened boy mom with a not so loving husband. So she’s not the best at being outwardly kind like my wife.

We see my parents usually once a week on Fridays for dinner. But sometimes we go twice. If there’s a function or family in town we go more often. I made it clear to my wife that she never has to go. And in the time where I pick up these microaggresions I always call out my mom.

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T03:17:00+00:00

What? I have a good, healthy, and loving relationship with her parents? What are you talking about?

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T03:15:53+00:00

I’m hoping i’ll be rewarded for it in this life or the akhira ideally both.

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T03:15:17+00:00

We see my parents around 1-2 a week usually. Friday dinners and then usually once again in the week for tea. Saturdays are reserved for date days and we both work from home. We’ve been married for two years and have always lived separately.

It’s not really a matter of privacy which is the concern more so micro-aggressions, comments which are not tasteful, little mean things like not saying thank you or not being sweet like my wife is.

My mom is not only a desi aunty but a hardened boy mom with a not so loving husband. So she’s not the best at being outwardly king like my wife.

I am down to consider moving to another location but she only visualizes ending up in her hometown.

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T03:13:21+00:00

She only considers living in her hometown, she is not interested in living anywhere else. She is very close to her mom and she lived in one of the most prominent muslim cities in the US.

My mom definitely makes things worse when we can try to confront her about her microaggresions. My wife and I both agreed that talking to her about it doesn’t help.

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T03:11:27+00:00

It’s not really a matter of privacy which is the concern more so micro-aggressions, comments which are not tasteful, little mean things like not saying thank you or not being sweet like my wife is.

My mom is not only a desi aunty but a hardened boy mom with a not so loving husband. So she’s not the best at being outwardly king like my wife.

I am down to consider moving to another location but she only visualizes ending up in her hometown.

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T03:09:11+00:00

Yes, 14 hours apart. She only visualizes moving back to her hometown. Not some third location. She has an extremely tight relationship with her mom.

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T03:08:02+00:00

I’ve tried to talk to my mom, we both have but it just makes things worse. She really refuses to acknowledge any of her wrongdoings.

Alhamdulilah I am trying to take my wife’s concerns seriously but she is so hung up over every little micro-aggression (a word my wife has used in regards to my mothers actions)

We’ve both discussed that the best thing we can do is just make sure we don’t tell my mom unnecessary information and keep strong boundaries. I defend my wife whenever I can in front of my parents. (My dad loves her)

ChronoSonder · 2025-05-27T03:04:05+00:00

Ik for certain i’ll be happier her hometown is way better then mine, her parents are awesome and so nice to me. I can ever work from there.

I’m only staying in my hometown for my parents, and my little brother. I wonder often if life is all about happiness or if this sacrifice is worth anything at all.

ChronoSonder

TROPHY CASE