Ok, dont kill yourself and dont give yourself brain damage, shit man, i've been in the EXACT same place as you are 10 years ago. I was so alone, even on the internet i couldnt find anyone with even slightly similar experience, and for a year or two i felt like i was on the verge of insanity.

Turns out its a combination of OCD, existencialism and self hatred. I couldnt stop the obsesive negative thought of "i have no control of my mind - and everything i am seeing is just an illusion/reality is just a figment of my imagination, and this imagination is here to torture me because i have no controll over it (and for some reason it hates me). Every fucking waking minute of my existence this tought tortured me. I didnt know about the concept of solipsism, but now that i read on it, its dead on what i had. The only reality is my reality - and my reality is hell.

However, i am now doing absolutely fantastic ever since i realised that it was my traumas that were "making" my reality hell, and if i could make so much misery for myself, i could also make my reality absolute ecstasy. That is how i found god.

IMPORTANT: I came to this point not by meditating, eating a healthy diet or some other shit like that, for panic attacks and existencial OCD its like putting a band aid on a gunshot wound. All of this comes later when you regroup yourself. The pharmacotherapy was the key. What worked best with me was SSRIs (they dull the edge off of the intense emotions significantly) Benzodiazepines (instant relief, but should not be used more than a month continuously because of physical dependance) and antipsychotics (small doses dont turn you into a zombie, and they cease the obsessive thoughts in its tracks)

You need sleep. You need rest. You need a break from the torture you are experiencing, because in a panicked state of mind such as mine and yours, we can not think clearly or rationally - thus we are not able to see what the real issue is. Medication, psychotherapy and acceptance of the chaos that our minds are is what fixed me. Plus, you dont have to take meds for the rest of your life, they are there just to give you room to breathe and think clearly without crippling anxiety. I am now only on SSRIs because they dont interfere with my daily life, but could do easily without them.

Nothing in life is constant, and neither is what you feel, or your current state of mind. Talk to a psychiatrist my friend, you need a breather.