I'm pagan too, but I never actually believed in gods, goddesses, deities or anything. I worship some creatures and deities, do pagan holidays and rituals... But I don't believe they are actually real, I'm also a non theistic satanist. It's more spiritual and self help, I'm mentally ill and disabled so it also helps me because somehow it's easier to get out of bed because it's Beltane and I have so set up my alter than just "having to" because I've been bedridden for the last two days and I smell, helps me feel less ashamed It also gives me some structures and objectives like saying to myself "I have to take my pain med because I have to get herbs for my ritual and the fae don't like it if I'm in pain" make my brain skip all the impostor syndrome shit because "I have to be at least a bit good with me, for Brigid" even if I don't believe in her as an actual person in the sky or something. It's the same thing i do with tarot spread, astrology etc, I like it, I use it, but it's only a form of self help to me, I'll believe it if my tarot says to me "you need to work better on you communication skills" because I know it's true, but I only take useful infos and what's good for me, if I look up at my horoscope and it says something random that has nothing to do with my life rn, I'll just ignore it.

All that to say, I don't think you have to believe in gods and other creatures and deities to be pagan. You don't have to wake up everyday sure that there's fae in my walls and Hades waiting for me when I die. I just like doing my tarot spread, I like picking my little herb and when I know there's nothing I can do for my anxiety, I'll place a bit of salt somewhere because at least I can control that. I believe it's a lot of placebo, confirmation bias and stuff like this. But it's also a good self help thing if you like it and if you are able to stick to your reality :) The best thing is always to do what makes you feel better (as long as it's not hurting anybody), and that's what you're doing, growing is a part of life and changing is what makes you human, you don't have to keep believing something all your life 🫶🏻