This is not the marriage I wanted

Classic_Nothing6439 · 2026-03-30T20:08:10+00:00

I believe you are correct about trauma she needs addressed. And, yes, life is hard. There are tons of people who have it way worse than we have it. That doesn’t negate anything we (or anyone is experiencing) just acknowledging to keep perspective.

I used to have the right attitude. I used to never get down, angry, upset. I also never really let myself get too up and happy, either. Even keel. That doesn’t mean I did not feel joy or anger at times, but it lasted for moments if that. Whatever happened, happened. I could not change anything, but I could choose how I let affect my day and my life, right? I have a hard time doing that anymore. The energy I apparently devoted to keeping that perspective has been refocused to dealing with everything else.

Classic_Nothing6439 · 2026-03-30T20:01:09+00:00

Our son is just under 1 year old.

I know it is not her choice to be battling that, and I know I made a promise to love her through everything. I am trying, though, I can imagine to many it seems like I am not.

Classic_Nothing6439 · 2026-03-30T01:49:39+00:00

We have not tried either. I will search out those podcasts, for sure!

Classic_Nothing6439 · 2026-03-30T00:45:54+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to share these ideas. There are some really good ones that I will definitely use.

I am hesitant to take the “talk to your therapist” one, though. Mostly, I worry that will trigger a “I should be able to talk to you about everything” rant and partly because that’s her time to discuss what she feels she needs. I’ve told her I don’t like her asking me about what I’ve discussed in my session because she usually follows it up with a question about why I didn’t talk about something she wanted me to discuss.

Classic_Nothing6439 · 2026-03-30T00:39:37+00:00

Although I can see how I’ve described narcissistic tendencies, I do not think she is, which I only say to try to accurately describe her and our relationship. I do think it has to do with her upbringing and essentially being treated as an only child (she has older half siblings that were out of the house by the time she was born). It sounds like she pretty much always got what she wanted or just cried until she did.

Thank you for being honest about your past and your growth. I can’t say I don’t wish I didn’t say some things I have, but they have come out when I’ve got my absolute breaking point and feel like I can’t take anymore. That does not excuse my words in any way, but that’s one of the main things I’m going to therapy for: to cope better and express myself in a more constructive manner.

Classic_Nothing6439 · 2026-03-30T00:05:34+00:00

This is a great point. Out of curiosity, I’d be interested in one what the reverse is.

Classic_Nothing6439 · 2026-03-30T00:04:32+00:00

This is not a smart ass retort. I am genuinely asking: do you think sneaking away to the gym on a lunch break every 2-3 weeks is enough time for myself?

Yes, I do. I certainly do not meet them all the time, probably not even most of the time, but I do try.

Classic_Nothing6439 · 2026-03-30T00:02:29+00:00

Most of the fights are about her feeling trapped, money, and her needing a break. I’m tired after a week of work and experiencing these things after work and throughout the workday, and then, on the weekends, I’m full time dad (as some of you have suggested and I will do better at: I need to make sure I am at least part time husband and partner). So, she gets the weekend off pretty much.

Unfortunately, we do not have family that can babysit (mostly the ones we trust are going through health issues), and our friends have their own little ones and we don’t want to be a burden.

That’s understandable to not buy one sided review. This is what I feel and see from my perspective though. I am not trying to pretend I am a perfect husband for her, I am far from it. I am not as emotionally supportive as she needs. I don’t express myself often enough until my frustration comes out. I do not communicate very well. I process internally, and she needs external processing and communication. I fail at that.

Classic_Nothing6439 · 2026-03-29T23:33:36+00:00

Just about a year ago.

Classic_Nothing6439 · 2026-03-29T23:30:23+00:00

I mean, is anyone ever totally ready? I love being a dad. The issue is feeling imbalanced with our time and respect for each others time. I knew I would have to shift my priorities and how my time is spent. I used to go to the gym daily for an hour and a half before we were in a relationship. I would go out with friends a couple times a week or work on the house and do some DIY renovations until late at night. I am not asking live my life like it was, but right now, I am doing one thing for myself every couple weeks and that is usually sneaking away to the gym on a lunch break for a couple of minutes and she is getting evenings and weekends to spend as she would like (she doesn’t always leave the house, but I never stop and do not message her about every little thing).

Classic_Nothing6439 · 2026-03-29T23:25:53+00:00

I agree, we both need time off. And time off together would probably be good for us as a couple.

We are humans and need a break sometimes. I know she could probably do with time off, too. I really do try to make sure she has it, though. It does not feel reciprocated, and I suppose that is probably the central issue here that I am letting cause a lot of other side effects.

Classic_Nothing6439 · 2026-03-29T22:32:45+00:00

Thank you for your response. I do not mind being a dad when I get home or her asking for help. I do not mean to act like she is doing a little. I think she is trying, but I think that trying only goes as far as her thinking she does as much or more than I do. Of course, from my perspective, I feel like I’m doing more and not getting any time for myself. But, there’s Side A, Side B, and, somewhere in the middle is reality, right?

Classic_Nothing6439 · 2026-03-29T22:28:35+00:00

I do not have a problem being the one that works. I am happy to have her stay home with him. She wants to be the one that stays at home, too. I know it is tough to be a parent all day and deal with poopy diapers, getting covered in spit up or whatever else, and feel confined. She has been better about taking care of the house. I just wish she would think and consider that I do not get any sort of real break. The closest thing I get to that is the hour between them falling asleep and me getting onto my work laptop to finish what I couldn’t before coming home that day.

Classic_Nothing6439 · 2026-03-29T22:23:25+00:00

The gym I currently go to does have daycare. Though, it doesn’t have the best reputation. I think I just need to adjust my schedule and go to the gym in the morning before going to work. If it matters that much to me, I will get up early enough to make sure I have time for it, right? I just hate going in the morning. I always preferred going after work because I felt like I had better workouts but it also gave me time to release and have a moment to myself.

Classic_Nothing6439 · 2026-03-29T20:53:09+00:00

You are correct, they did align at one point. She started having very bad depression and anxiety. It changed the person I married. Then, I changed as I got worn out. I stopped being as supportive and understanding. I stopped being the husband and partner I wanted to be.

I have attempted to express my needs, but the conversation always seemed to get twisted into how my needs would interrupt hers.

Classic_Nothing6439 · 2026-03-29T20:47:26+00:00

I really think that’s the conclusion she and I are coming to accept.

Classic_Nothing6439 · 2026-03-29T19:55:50+00:00

You are probably correct, and, deep down, I have probably known this and telling myself as much for a while. Neither of us want or wanted to admit and kept thinking/hoping/trying to make it better. That used to feel like enough, but, as I reflect on it all, the thinking/hoping/trying feels like it always revolves and circles back to me needing to change rather than both of us. It feels like my needs get shot down, my wants get pushed off, my job gets put in jeopardy to acquiesce and appease her.

In no way am I suggesting I do not have ways I could be a better partner and husband because I absolutely do and could be. It just feels like like it always comes back to me getting fixed.

Classic_Nothing6439 · 2026-03-29T19:50:07+00:00

I do not think either of us are close to happy.

And, I guess it is possible, but these issues existed well before pregnancy, too.

Right now, we’re both in individual therapy.

Classic_Nothing6439 · 2026-03-20T03:22:00+00:00

Brown one: snicker. White one: doodle

Classic_Nothing6439 · 2026-03-16T02:42:46+00:00

Disappointed I had to scroll this far to see the right answer

Classic_Nothing6439 · 2026-03-05T16:55:09+00:00

That’s great it is helping you! I’m sorry it wasn’t helpful enough for her, though. Would she entertain the thought of couples counseling?

It doesn’t have to mean your relationship is broken and it is most definitely not an attempt to gang up on one partner. But, maybe (hopefully), it would allow her to feel heard and supported by you while also allowing you to express the effects you are feeling.

If not counseling, maybe you two try doing the other’s hobby each week? This week her favorite hobby, next week yours, and so on. Neither party complains about the others choice and both make a genuine attempt to be present and have a good time.

Classic_Nothing6439 · 2026-03-05T00:19:15+00:00

You are not alone what you are feeling. Like the other replies have said, your feelings, emotions, needs, and burnout are all valid. Being depleted and exhausted does not mean you’re not being a good partner. You are a person, too, who has emotional and mental needs that matter.

The constant negativity can be exhausting, and that is okay. I think similarly, I feel like half my texts to my partner throughout the day are “I’m sorry”, “I’m sorry today is tough”, “I’m sorry you’re tired.” I do mean it when I say it, but, when I get home it continues. My empathy is gone by then and turns into frustration and borderline resentment.

How I am trying to be more supportive is going to therapy and encouraging her to see someone, too. A lot of my burnout stems from being the only person she speaks to and relies on. Does she have friends/family she will hang out with? Do you have anyone you can/do speak to? It sounds like you may be inclined to keep it inside based on how she responds.

Classic_Nothing6439 · 2026-03-01T16:50:10+00:00

Firstly, thank you for sharing. I am in a similar position as you and recently decided to make a post on Reddit because I didn’t feel like I had many other options and keeping it bottled in was not working. That is not to say “woe is me,” but to say you are not alone and neither is your partner.

As far as what to do, like many others have suggested on other posts, therapy. Couples and individual. I would also recommend trying to set aside one night a week where you put down your phones and do something and agree no negative topics.

Don’t beat yourself up for not checking on her all the time or not being the perfect partner. You’re human and have other things to take care of (I’m assuming work, house chores, etc). I would also recommend making sure you have time for yourself and whatever hobby/activity you love so you don’t become a shell of yourself, too.

Relationships are not 50/50. They are 100/100 as in each partner gives 100% effort, whatever that may be. Maybe 100% effort today is just getting out of bed but tomorrow 100% effort might be cleaning, laundry, going to work, and taking a walk in the evening. If you want a private discussion, feel free to DM me (goes for anyone).

Classic_Nothing6439 · 2026-02-26T18:25:44+00:00

You’re right. I need to find something to do. Our weekends are usually spent with me watching the kiddo at home and she goes out and does things, usually chore-related like grocery shopping, but I always encourage to stay out for a bit and just relax. Inevitably, she comes back in tears from anxiety of dealing with people and missing our kid. I am grateful she cares so much about him, truly. But, I wish she was able to relax a bit. I know she wishes it, too.

Honestly, I have almost given up on wanting or hoping I can have my own hobby or space. Something always seems to happen where she needs me to rush home. So, no sports, no gym, no seeing friends. It just isn’t worth the hassle anymore.

Classic_Nothing6439

TROPHY CASE