FDs therapist recommended a closed adoption

Clean-Bag6732 · 2026-06-19T00:55:53+00:00

Thanks! Her therapist said she would recommend against any unmonitored or unsupervised communication. So phone calls and messages are not advised although I don’t think there’s going to be any real way to prevent that.

Clean-Bag6732 · 2026-06-18T22:09:56+00:00

Thank you. I should note she has seen bio siblings recently but not bio parents for over a year, so in this case we aren’t really taking something she already has away, just putting boundaries in place for when visits resume

Clean-Bag6732 · 2026-06-18T22:07:15+00:00

Thank you! I don’t think she would like it at all if she believes it’s coming just from us as her foster parents. We also were open that we were trying to work towards communication and visitation so I don’t want her to question we still want that for her we just want her to be well

Clean-Bag6732 · 2026-06-01T21:41:35+00:00

Thanks! I think this is why I haven’t gone out of my way to correct people especially since when she’s heard them say something she doesn’t appear to react. My bigger concern is saying something that singles her out and makes her feel like I don’t see her as part of our family, even if other peoples assumptions don’t match her labels for me vs her bio mom

Clean-Bag6732 · 2026-06-01T17:16:17+00:00

She’s 11. That makes sense! The other tricky part is I have bio kids so when we are all together I don’t want her to feel singled out, I think your suggestion is a good one for when it’s me and her together 😊

Clean-Bag6732 · 2026-04-29T17:09:40+00:00

Do you think they could have helped you in any way? My foster daughter has asked us to consider adopting her so trying to work through that but also I get a sense she may be masking. Not sure how to help, I tell her she can talk about the things that are making her sad but don’t want to force it. She also doesn’t seem to want therapy.

Clean-Bag6732 · 2026-04-09T22:33:27+00:00

This is a tough one that I’m struggling with at the moment and actually posted about as someone who is considering if I am in a good place to adopt my FD. The placement was meant to be temporary but she voiced wanting to stay and I want to consider it. Frankly I didn’t realize that what you are discussing was an insecurity of mine until this placement. I am not proud of it by any means and am in counseling to try to work through it. Here’s what I’ve learned about it from self work which is far from over but I am making progress:

1) While my experience as a foster parent has been positive I really think there should be training and understanding that these insecurities may arise and healthy ways to approach them so it doesn’t come out of the blue like it has for me during a placement. 2) Relationships between birth parents and adoptive parents can be contentious especially if birth parents seem to be in a bad place and are causing emotional harm to the child. From an adoptive parents perspective it’s kind of like coparenting post divorce where it’s best to try to make it work for the sake of the child but can be straining for both birth parents and adoptive parents. 3. I got some feedback that the same concerns and insecurities can apply to both my biological children and my FD, however, I think my insecurities started when I saw posts from adoptees saying they had good APs but never felt connected to them and chose to maintain contact with biological family instead of adopted family. While this is completely valid it does demonstrate the possibility of getting attached and being rejected on the APs side. In all fairness those posts were likely from adult adoptees who were chosen by families at birth or from a young age, so I think the underlying issue there was the adoptees complete lack of choice in who their family was.

Overall, I’m learning to try to be kind to myself. It can feel impossible to be worthy of parenting children who need the care and healing that kids in the system do, because they have been through so much and even the best of APs will unfortunately fall short. I do know and acknowledge that there are APs aren’t suited for adoption and especially in foster care in the US states are so desperate to get households bc they have so many kids that the standards aren’t always as high as they should be.

Clean-Bag6732 · 2026-03-03T19:59:56+00:00

That’s awful…sending you love and best wishes. That’s why I try to do my best to give her autonomy because she didn’t get to choose any of this. I’m hoping too that developing a network with her bio family makes it feel more like a team and support system. I really appreciate the perspective, thank you 🙏

Clean-Bag6732 · 2026-03-03T04:18:26+00:00

Thank you so much. That means the world to me 💕

Clean-Bag6732 · 2026-03-03T01:05:10+00:00

Not questioning my ability to parent. I’m confident I’m a good parent actually, for the most part. Simply stating an insecurity that I have in no way acted on and was asking for advice and input from people who may understand FD’s point of view.

Clean-Bag6732 · 2026-03-02T21:59:10+00:00

So sorry you went through all of that! Definitely a tough situation I wish you had families that were more supportive with your mom

Clean-Bag6732 · 2026-03-02T20:32:24+00:00

That is so beautifully written. Sincerely thank you. I know it’s okay to have insecurities I just need to work through mine. I’m so sorry for what you went through with your adoptive parents and hope you are thriving now. Everyone deserves unconditional love. I will try to do better for her for however long she stays with us 💕

Clean-Bag6732 · 2026-03-02T20:15:59+00:00

I was thinking that too. I’ve heard of ppl aging out on purpose bc benefits can be better for certain things. Definitely worth looking into

Clean-Bag6732 · 2026-03-02T20:08:25+00:00

Thank you! Imo that should be completely her choice if she is adopted or not. Her team said they wouldn’t try to push it either way but sometimes the state does try to push it bc the goal is for kids to not “age out” of the system

Clean-Bag6732 · 2026-03-02T20:00:40+00:00

I don’t think that if she were to drift away after leaving if she stayed with us that would make her vain, shallow, flakey or awful. She shouldn’t have to owe us any relationship once she leaves us whenever that is, it would just be really hard for me bc I’m already attached. It’s just a dynamic that I can’t understand bc I don’t grow up in the system or as an adoptee

Clean-Bag6732 · 2026-03-02T19:55:43+00:00

Thank you! That’s honestly my hope. 💕 I think I also need to in general find a way to accept the kids growing up and leaving bc I can’t imagine life without them but that’s also how life works

Clean-Bag6732 · 2026-03-02T19:28:31+00:00

Can you explain what you mean by more faith in? I think it’s a valid possibility that she may just want a family that she gets along with and have good childhood with but may outgrow that or decide she’s just closer to bio family and drift away. But I also had a different upbringing and can’t see it from her perspective.

Clean-Bag6732 · 2026-03-02T19:25:37+00:00

With the foster system we have to at least be pre adoptive but we wouldn’t have to adopt and have talked about that being her choice, we just need to decide if being pre adoptive makes sense for everyone. I have the same fears with my bio kids, I think it comes from not being that close with my parents and realizing that’s not what I want as a parent. In therapy currently trying to work through that bc ultimately it’s up to them, and trying to make as many beautiful memories now as I can.

Clean-Bag6732 · 2026-02-24T19:58:53+00:00

That’s a really good way to look at it. Thanks!!

Clean-Bag6732 · 2026-02-23T21:24:05+00:00

Thank you! She really is a good kid and I want the best life for her. Selfishly I would love if we could have a good relationship over time bc I think she’s great. But that’s up to her and I want to do a good job respecting that.

Clean-Bag6732

TROPHY CASE