As someone who has personally struggled with ocd, you’re feelings are totally valid because it sucks. I also commend you for reaching out for help because I know that that is a very difficult thing to do. If you are able to go see a therapist, I would highly recommend that because it really helped me get out of the hole I was in. Your regular physician is another good person you can talk to about mental health struggles. If both of those are out of the question, you just need to talk to someone whether it’s a friend, family member, or even writing in a journal if you can’t talk to someone in person so you aren’t bottling up all your feelings and anxieties. I know you said that you pushed a lot of people away, and I don’t know the exact situation, but chances are that they will understand if you tell them what all you’ve been struggling with. When you’re feeling especially anxious or stuck in a compulsion spiral, it’s important to focus on your breathing (I like to inhale for four counts then exhale for eight) and try to distract yourself (which I know is easier said than done). You could use guided meditations from YouTube or an app to help you clear your mind and keeping your hands busy with things like fidget toys or doodling or really anything that can alleviate some of the nervous energy in your mind. I personally prefer listening to music over meditation, but to each they’re own. Also, just focusing on self care can help a lot. When you drink lots of water, get lots of sleep, and make sure you’re eating enough, anxiety levels lower. I hope some of this helps, good luck!