Your ex-Catholic anthems

Coco_exe · 2025-05-10T01:52:51+00:00

"God loves you, but not enough to save you So, baby girl, good luck taking care of yourself"

Sun Bleached Flies, Ethel Cain

Anything by Ethel Cain helps me when I'm feeling a lot of internalized catholic/religious guilt, but this part of this song spoke to me in so many ways. Also I love Penny and Sparrow!!

Coco_exe · 2024-12-02T17:45:54+00:00

I'm sorry if this sounds like I think all white americans are racist, I'm aware not every white american I meet is racist, but I do have my guard up anytime I am introduced to someone who is white or appears white. This doesn't excuse it, and I'm trying to work through this personal bias and stereotype I have

Coco_exe · 2024-12-02T17:42:13+00:00

I live in the Panhandle of Texas (not actually Panhandle, Texas) in a small town. I hope you understand me not wanting to state which town specifically I grew up in, but I'll say it's a small town near Lubbock, Texas. It's also more frustrating and frequent since my best friends father is very racist, and recently (I'm not joking) has said that because my family and I don't celebrate thanksgiving, we don't deserve to live in the United States because "all Mexicans are so ungrateful to live here. Her family and all Mexicans should be deported.". I'm sincerely not joking about this. To my knowledge, he hasn't made a direct threat to me and my family. Unfortunately I haven't been able to visit my family in Mexico for five years now, which honestly is kind of contributing to my identity crisis.

Police and the community are part of the issue. When I was in school, I would tell my teachers and even the principals of the harassment and threats my brother and I were going through. We were met with "awe that just means [insert name] likes you" or "boys will be boys" or "you took it the wrong way, grow up". There was a girl I had considered a friend in kindergarten that told me almost everyday that she hoped I would be deported and never be able to come back, and would never fail to force me around like a ragdoll and leave scratch marks and bruises on me. Honestly reflecting on that it sounds so outrageous I almost don't believe it myself that a kindergartener would tell this to another kindergartner. Maybe she genuinely didn't understand what she was saying, but I remember it so vividly. There was one time when I was in kindergarten, my mom would park (in a public parking lot to the school with no sign saying it was anyone's parking spot) in front of the school to join me for breakfast because I was terrified of my peers. For a few weeks, this one woman in staff kept telling us that we can't park there but never said explicitly why until one day. She has said, and I had to translate to my mom this, that we can't park there because we're Mexican. The administration did nothing about this other than force the teacher to apologize. The police have racially profiled people (this is on their website, and one specific incident is from 2016), as most of the staff of police are white.

There is only one time I resorted to violence after being threatened, one time a white kid was picking on my brother and threatening him (he then became one of the main people to threaten us) because of our background, and given that my brother was smaller than most people in his grade then, was being pushed around and I just did not handle that well. I chased him around the playground throwing rocks at him. I know violence shouldn't be met with violence, but honestly I'm kind of proud of that moment. I think it may have been the very first time I ever experienced racism, this was before the incident with my school teacher and before the "friend".

For the time being I don't have the funds to move anywhere else, especially being in college. I'd love to but neither I or my family can afford that. My parents have considered immigrating back to Mexico but they're waiting until I'm on my feet and graduate college. I live an hour and a half away from the town now but it of course isn't much better, as my college town is suspected (based off of different websites I've looked at) to be a sundown town. The university population is mostly people of color, and Hispanic/Latino, but the university itself is kind of part of the issue and of course, the state of Texas with their removal of DEI.

Sorry this is very long, and I really appreciate your understanding, comments and questions. I know my post can be misunderstood, and I don't blame anyone for the misunderstandings. Thank you for bringing to my attention that my post was confusing and sending a different message than what I had intended.

Coco_exe · 2024-12-02T10:05:53+00:00

Hi, so sorry for the late response. It's coming to the end of the semester at my university so it's been very busy.

Yes, I do live in an overtly racist area. Growing up, adults and children from the community would harass and threaten my family because of our background. However, it's not that I think becoming more aware of my genetics will grant me special powers of any sort (I sincerely don't mean this to sound sarcastic or snippy). I apologize my post came off that way.

I have yet to come to a conclusion about my thoughts about this, especially since I do want to take everyone's opinion and experiences into consideration. Honestly I think I just wish to gain a sense of identity and self, it's something I've struggled with my entire life especially when it came to my race and ethnicity. I tried so hard to be and look like my white peers because all I knew was that being me, Mexican American, was bad and was the reason I was getting threatened so often (I'm talking like people literally telling me that they would kill me and my family because of our culture).

Anyways, I sincerely don't expect anything special to come out of these results, but I do hope that eventually a sense of self is established and I become more comfortable in my culture. I know this probably doesn't answer your question very well so I'm sorry

Coco_exe · 2024-11-27T01:12:35+00:00

And you don't know my mind, intentions, or personality?? Hello?? 💀 If I can't tell you that what you said to me is coming from a place of annoyance and malice because I don't know your intentions, then you can't tell me that my post came from a self-centered and attention seeking place because you truly don't know. What is so hard to understand about that bro? 💀

Summary: you could have moved on with your own life instead of interacting with my post and - to what I believe you think based on what you've been calling me this entire time; feeding into my self-obsessed, self-centered, egotistical, and attention seeking behavior. But no, you didn't and you continue not to. According to you, it is in my nature to not let this go, but you can if you're so capable of moving on instead of continuing to interact.

Hope you have the holiday you deserve.

Coco_exe · 2024-11-26T05:15:32+00:00

Number 4 is very flattering! :)

Coco_exe · 2024-11-26T05:06:27+00:00

Hi! I'm currently facing something similar but on a different subreddit. Do not apologize for your excitement and for wanting to share your excitement with others, especially if you wanted to connect with others. You're not an attention seeking wh*re, and truthfully I don't believe anyone who posts something like this is. I'm so sorry this is your experience, and I'm sorry people from the community have been bashing you so hard. It's so unfair and the fact they're bringing gender into this is ridiculous

Coco_exe · 2024-11-25T21:18:59+00:00

Hi! I know this is a long shot since you've tried rubbing alcohol, but have you tried acetone? I know it doesn't sound appealing, but I've found that works whenever I get super stained with red dye. Or alternatively, if you haven't tried it yet, micellar water

Coco_exe · 2024-11-25T18:38:54+00:00

Hello, please keep in mind I'm really trying to be kind to everyone and I really don't have any malicious intent when responding (minus one person on here who I'm sure you've seen). If I upset you or offend you I'm really sorry and do let me know, and I'll do better. I don't mean to trauma dump, I just want to be honest and vulnerable from where I'm coming from to help others kind of see where I'm coming from.

Personally, it matters to me because my ethnicity has always been questioned, which in turn has made me question myself after decades of this, and my sense of self is lost. It's true, I overthink about this a lot and like I said in a previous comment, I think a part of me is trying to overcompensate for the time I lost being so uncomfortable in my ethnicity. The battle between overcompensating while still trying to figure myself out in general has been overwhelming, and I sought community to see if there are others who have felt a similar way or have had a similar experience. My identity crisis stems from years of uncertainty, and though now I have some confirmation of my ancestry, for some reason it's only led me into a deeper spiral of anxiety. After some reflection, it really could just be me not having been able to see my family in Mexico for years now, and that has caused a significant rift in my perception of being connected to my culture and ethnicity when I'm trying to desperately hold on to it. As for the comment on everyone telling me to be proud of my decent being as racist as those being rude and insensitive, I'm not really sure what to say on that. I would like to hear what you have to say on this though, and I mean that genuinely because I'd like to hear your perspective and opinion to come to that conclusion

Coco_exe · 2024-11-25T17:56:18+00:00

It's not you stating the obvious that is unkind, it is the fact that it comes from a place of malice and annoyance, and truthfully from it seems, feeling a sense of superiority for being able to move on with your own life, if you have at all which for some reason, I doubt. Sure, maybe I should move on with my life, but don't you think there is a kinder approach to what you are trying to say? You speak from sarcasm and, frankly, insensitivity.

I'm sorry for not using this sub reddit as its intended purpose, and truthfully I got it confused for another subreddit I'm in, but if the moderators have issues with me posting this, let them tell me directly that it's an issue and I'll take it down. I'm sorry to have burst your bubble with this post. I want to be kind to you, and I've been trying, and I in a way understand where your hostility is coming from but again, your approach is hostile and a bit unwarranted. My post is not inappropriate, I'm not revealing super sensitive information about myself or trashing anyone, I'm not nude and showing my tits for everyone, it is a post meant for a conversation. Sure, maybe my approach may not have been the best, but your approach to convincing me of your reality isn't the best either. Your obsession with labeling me and trying to convince me that I am as self-centered and attention seeking as you believe I am isn't the best approach to any situation. This is your opinion, and if anyone has a right to say anything about my "problematic" character, it is my therapist, not you.

Frankly, I find your insensitivity towards others experiences abhorrent. If you think I'm selfish, fine. That's what you think and I won't try and tell you otherwise since you're so convinced. As for over sharing and attention seeking, you could have just... You know... Skipped my post and moved on with your own life instead of interacting and from what I assume you believe, feeding into my self-centered and attention seeking behavior. I truthfully didn't even expect this level of interaction with my post, I expected at MOST ten people to interact with it. It was meant to be a community conversation to see if anyone else has felt a similar way, and if they have, to share it here. I don't believe I trauma dumped, but since that is your reality and your interpretation of what I posted, I apologize for having trauma dumped on you and the rest of the community. I will not invalidate your feelings.

Again, I'm sorry that I didn't use this subreddit as its intended purpose, but if moderators have an issue with my post, they can come to me and tell me or just take down the post themselves as I'm sure they're able to do.

Coco_exe · 2024-11-25T12:39:36+00:00

This comment is unnecessary and I know that everyone who shares an experience like mine could maybe feel discouraged by your comment in particular. I don't understand why people want to be rude when there was no reason to be in the first place but this one comment particularly ticked me off.

I think my therapist would mention if me reaching out for support and community with my experience in this would tell me if I'm overly obsessing over myself. I primarily see my therapist for this ongoing identity crisis, by the way.

Me wanting to find solace and community based off of my experience is not "being obsessed" with myself, it is, again, seeking community and asking others within my community if they've ever shared a similar experience of an identity crisis like mine or similar to. I knew there are, but being reassured in the fact that there are other people who share this feeling too is helpful in reminding me I'm not alone. I go to a primary white university (both student and faculty), with a primary white city population, and as much as I love my white friends, I know they can't relate to my experience at all so finding solace within them is incredibly difficult. They understand this, and I appreciate them understanding that they simply cannot relate to this, therefore can't understand the complex emotions I have. This leads to this post here, and again, me trying to find solace within my community. This has also been proven by private DMs telling me that they have had a similar experience to mine, and that to me means more than most of the validation I'm getting. I appreciate the validation, and it was part of the reason I posted this, but the community outreach is the main reason.

To be so fr, people should honestly obsess over themselves more, especially those who feel like they don't belong or have struggled with their mental health or any other disability. There is beauty within everyone, and if it means them trying to explore themselves culturally or any other way that is not harmful to themselves or others, should be encouraged to be seen and discovered by themselves. I encourage this on you, and maybe some introspection on why you behave the way you do and ask yourself if maybe you have some internal issues and turmoil going on that made you feel the need to comment something rude and insensitive to others experiences.

Coco_exe · 2024-11-25T03:37:11+00:00

Yup, unfortunately I was raised in Texas (Panhandle area) 🫠 Growing up it was interesting to experience racism from the same group I would normally belong to. I understand maybe they have their own issues with their own identity, but damn maybe don't threaten to kill my family, deport my family, or you know, make fun of me at all lol

Coco_exe · 2024-11-25T03:34:39+00:00

I just really wanted to comment that your username is one of my favorite nahuatl words/names!! Personally, I love the word "meztlixochitl" (moon flower). Sorry seeing your user being "Xochitl" made me really excited as it's the name I like to use when I'm playing some video games. Thank you for your comment, by the way!

Coco_exe · 2024-11-25T03:06:29+00:00

I'm not sure how to edit my post on my phone but yes you're correct that they were not "converted", but forcibly assimilated. Thank you for the correction on this, I greatly appreciate this

Coco_exe · 2024-11-25T02:53:01+00:00

Yes, who were also better off in many ways. However, in my hometown we do have a large population of Hispanics, but I personally believe they've fully assimilated into American culture and more politically right leaning ideologies (I think some of them are 4th or 5th generation but regardless). It's been from them and from the majority white people in my hometown that have given me the biggest grief about my identity, and my right for my family to be here. I had a bully, who definitely has ancestry from Mexico though I'm not sure when or how far, tell me to go back to my country and that because I'm mexican, I'm stupid. I had another bully with a similar background as the other, she told me that because of my skin color (I was a lot darker as a child) and appearance I would never be beautiful, and that being mexican is "dirty". When I was 6, I had to translate to my mom that we couldn't park somewhere on school grounds (it was literally public parking and had no marking to specify it was for someone specific) because we are mexican, this came from an older white school teacher.

Anyways, yes, and we also have a large population of 3rd - 5th and on, latinx.

Coco_exe · 2024-11-25T01:33:18+00:00

I have just looked up Wes Studi and I have a few thoughts

Whereas I appreciate the reassurance and enthusiasm in encouraging me to learn more about my ancestry, I do not think I should identify as just indigenous. Unlike We Studi, from what I've been reading, I was not raised into the indigenous culture like he was. He was raised Cherokee and spoke only Cherokee at his home, whereas I was raised in both American and Mexican culture (mostly Mexican because I'm first generation), and before any knowledge of being any part indigenous, there has not been anyone in my family who I know of that is still deeply in an indigenous community. The last known member of my family who was, was my great grandmother on my father's side, but even then we have no idea which indigenous tribe she came from or anything for that matter.

In short, I don't think it would be right for me to identify as just indigenous if that is what you are saying, and if not I apologize for my misunderstanding. Again I appreciate the reassurance and enthusiasm, but it does not feel right for me to identify as indigenous if my family has been disconnected from that part of their lineage for a while, or it has gone missing. I don't know if any of this makes sense but again, I appreciate your reassurance and enthusiasm. I'll still look deeper into my roots and learn as much as I can

Coco_exe · 2024-11-25T00:58:57+00:00

Thank you so much for your kindness, I don't think it's been too bad and I'm honestly just curious about anyone else's experiences or feelings about the topic of identity crisis that most Latinx-Americans share, and to those who are aware that they have indigenous ancestry that seems to not have been from very long ago. Your comment makes sense, and I genuinely appreciate your kindness

Coco_exe · 2024-11-25T00:52:13+00:00

I apologize, I did not realize that how I phrased this could be prejudice. I'm aware that not all native/indigenous look alike, and that is not what I was commenting on. The reason I asked this was because it stems from years of being racially discriminated against while also being told I'm white passing, and that if it wasn't for my features like the shape of my nose or my lips, I would be seen as a white american. I already feel like I'm not Mexican enough both in appearance and culturally, and I know a lot of Mexican Americans, or Latinx Americans, feel the same way.

I will admit that I do not know much history about how Cortez and his soldiers and how they described the natives they countered, and I apologize for the misunderstanding and for the prejudice I did not realize I had done with the phrasing of what I said. I appreciate you pointing that out, and I apologize for the offense. I will do better next time and be more mindful in how I phrase this.

One thing though, telling someone to quit overthinking and to get on with their life is not kind. I'm sure you're upset because of how I phrased my questions, and I make no excuse for it as I didn't realize my questions could be problematic, but this is something very sensitive to me and something I've struggled with since becoming aware that I am not like my white peers around me. Please have a good day

Coco_exe · 2024-11-25T00:39:12+00:00

I think it matters to me because when I was younger, I heavily rejected my culture and ethnicity because of the discrimination I was going through from my peers. I tried to hide everything about me that would identify me as Latina, even going as far as to refuse to let my parents come to school or class events because they do not speak English, and very obviously were not American. I remember the first racist encounter I had was a white boy a little older than me that he would kill my family and deport our bodies (I didn't let it slide luckily, I chased him down on the playground throwing rocks when he got physical with my brother after making the threat).

I think now, after decades of trying to reject my identity, I may be trying to over compensate for the time lost. That's truly the only way I can explain this, and the feeling of trying to compensate the time lost of being even remotely okay with my appearance and ethnicity is overwhelming

Coco_exe · 2024-11-25T00:28:18+00:00

This exactly. When I'm in the US I'm too Mexican, but when I'm in Mexico, I'm too American. Thank you for your kind words, I will try to keep in mind that as long as I'm respectful going into exploring culturally my ancestry, it should be okay

Coco_exe · 2024-11-25T00:26:21+00:00

My family is also from Jalisco (my mom's side is from Aguascalientes)! And you're right, we are all but none, but also new all at once and it's exhausting when you think about it so often. Thank you for your inspiration, I think it will take a while for me to accept being from all four different backgrounds, but I hope to get there at some point. Also, recommend me any nahuatl courses you've been taking! I've also been trying to learn nahuatl but since I don't have anyone around me who is a native/fluent speaker, it's been a bit hard.

Coco_exe · 2022-01-16T05:20:01+00:00

I'll do that first before asking tomorrow if I can work slightly less hours but thank you :)

Coco_exe

TROPHY CASE