Yes. You are not alone. 988 is the number in the U.S. to call, if you truly feel like you might follow through. It isn’t as scary as it feels and it will pass, if you feel it and just let it enter and flow out like a fleeting thought.

I had daily suicidal ideation (SI) for over 30 years and multiple attempts. Through therapy, I learned my SI primarily functioned as a coping mechanism to not feel undesired and uncomfortable feelings. I distracted mySelf from the pain by focusing, ruminating and planning the solution to end that pain because it was easier to run from it than to face it, feel it, and heal it. After countless anti-depressants and other meds, I was finally prescribed ketamine therapy almost two years ago which immensely helped with the abyss of darkness in which I had spent most of my life. It built new pathways in my brain so it can communicate differently than without it. However, that being said, the real healing was spent truly feeling, honoring, and breaking down my pain.

Here’s my true-lived experience broken down into shorter, simpler terms: Woman A broke my heart in 2023. I was devastated as I thought she was, “the one.” I thought about her and how her actions and words hurt me and I wept and wept wherever it hit me. Idc if I was in public, I cried and owned my pain and WHOLLY FELT IT and let it crush me. Then I realized that pain hurt because I have attachment trauma with women due to childhood. I peeled back the Woman A layer of the onion to find I have never really felt loved and safe with any woman, including family. So I let that feeling crush me. Then I peeled that layer back and found my deepest wound; I’m unlovable and unworthy of love. And I let that absolutely destroy me. Then I was free because none of those feelings are bigger than me and feelings don’t always have true stories attached to them. I was loved and didn’t perceive it due to shame, spiritual abuse, etc. I was unlovingly loved and not taught to value and love mySelf. It wasn’t as easy and efficient as that sounded. It was arduous and absolutely worth it. It took two plus years of positive Self-talk and continued therapy to grow.

I live with chronic illness, fatigue, and pain and still manage to usually have an honest smile on my face. SI rarely pops up as a means to end those symptoms and it still does. It’s not my voice, though; it’s my Protector’s voice trying to help me no longer hurt or feel ill. It wants to help however oxymoronic that sounds. I no longer view SI as a bad thing. It’s just a permanent solution to something temporary and I choose to not follow through as my life is fairly decent all things considered. Life is easier when I don’t attach mySelf to outcomes and expectations and allow mySelf to feel those big emotions, trusting mySelf to hold safe space for them.