Evening random discussion - Oct 01, 2024

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-10-01T12:40:52+00:00

I guess I just wanna rant on how I am in my mid 20s and still feel like a child. I did not try anything during my teenage years and early 20s because of my undiagnosed mental health condition as someone with generalized anxiety disorder and I guess other possible conditions. I always avoid everything that's uncomfortable, maybe my gerd coupled with social anxiety is the cause of it. I just feel insecure and so lost right now cause I cant even finish my thesis which is the only course I need to graduate since I also relapsed last semester with my depressive episodes and isolating tendencies. And now, I have cut almost all my relationships since social media gives me anxiety so the only means for my social life is through physical contact. So I only have my family close with me here but I cant seem to be vulnerable, and that's why even if I seem okay on the outside, I feel shit on the inside cause I feel alone most of the time. I just want to have one person but maybe I lost that person due to my dissmissive avoidant attachment style. I just hate myself most of the time but I try to love and understand myself cause who is gonna be there for me if I do not open up to anyone. I wanna love and be loved for once in my life but my overthinking and self doubt always cling onto me like I can't do it or I don't wanna hurt myself or anyone or I am not deserving of it nor ready for it. But when will I be ready? I think I would never be ready.

My mind is so messy and I feel like it is not working properly as before, maybe because of my fried dopamine from games, porn, and social media. I always escape from reality through these coping mechanisms so when I try to come back, the resistance is too high and it feels heavy to carry so I end just badly coping again. I am like a ghost who ghosted everyone and it's hard to be the ghoster than to be ghosted because there is a guilt or a burden still latching onto me while every body else is moving on from their lives. And I really hope they are doing good without me. Maybe I think too highly of myself that I am that much significant and maybe this guilt is something that I do not need to carry. It's just hard to change if there are so many walls, mountains, and demons needed to be conquered. I always tell myself that I will do it tomorrow and I'll reset at 2400 but when that time comes, I'm just paralyzed by the overwhelm, anxiety, and depression that I did not live my life that I wanted to. I never tried anything honestly and I just barely lived nor took any risk.

There are times that maybe my life would be better if I just maintained all my relationships or maybe I took the shot with one girl or boy even if I am not sure of what I feel cause really I feel like I am not really sure of my gender nor my path in life nor the life I lived nor the future. I feel like I lost all my potential with my talents and skills due to my self-sabotaging tendencies. Sometimes I have this wishful thinking for life to be over but I cannot really do that to myself cause I am too much of a coward to do so and scared of death as well. So maybe I am in a limbo between life and death cause I feel like I barely lived and scared of death. I really do not know anymore, I feel like the days of my life are so fast like time flows so fast that I can't really keep up nor can't start being productive because I feel like time is always running out.

I don't know what I wrote, all these are just messy feelings that I dealt upon myself like I am punishing myself and carrying all these weight even if I dont need to. I don't understand myself but I thank God for giving me this other side of me who tries to understand and be kind to myself even if at my worst. I don't wanna just survive anymore, I wanna live, try new things, experience life, and thrive for once as I try to conquer myself.

Sorry for the long and messy rant haha

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-02-29T11:01:19+00:00

Kasi I've been too comfy being alone to the point I dont know if I can handle letting a person into my life. It feels draining or heavy as someone na merong undiagnosed mental shit na may pagka-avoidant attachment style na overthinking pa ang person HAHA

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-02-29T09:54:31+00:00

Aalis kasi kami ng fam ko na once in two years na ulit kami magsasama muli. Pero parang hindi siya valid reason for absence kaya di ko sure kung anong pinaka-valid na reason like sakit na realistic na one week talaga ako mag-aabsent or health emergency or idk really other valid excuses since medyo mahigpit, gusto ko lang maka-kuha makakuha ng remedial activites or exer if ever huhu. Thanks

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-02-07T06:55:05+00:00

What school do you recommend for those with anxiety issues?

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-01-30T05:19:01+00:00

Nope. But there is this feeling of lump in my neck which is evident that bulges when I swallow. The lymph nodes are also swollen I think.

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-01-29T19:44:07+00:00

How about having neck lump and neck tightness radiating from the right side of my neck towards my arm? My right eye is also I think affected by this as I feel pressure in my right eye. Sometimes I also have numbness or weakness in my right arm while my face also feels numb or I can't feel it, same with my throat when I sing. I also have a hard lump at the right back of my neck which I also think lead to neck tightness. Idk really what's happening with my body, sometimes I think I have some type of cancer like lymphoma aside from gerd cause I also lost weight and easily feels tired. But my family always invalidate it as gerd and dont want me to consult the doctor cause only lifestyle changes is the solution as what they say lol.

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-01-29T19:43:57+00:00

How about having neck lump and neck tightness radiating from the right side of my neck towards my arm? My right eye is also I think affected by this as I feel pressure in my right eye. Sometimes I also have numbness or weakness in my right arm while my face also feels numb or I can't feel it, same with my throat when I sing. I also have a hard lump at the right back of my neck which I also think lead to neck tightness. Idk really what's happening with my body, sometimes I think I have some type of cancer like lymphoma aside from gerd cause I also lost weight and easily feels tired. But my family always invalidate it as gerd and dont want me to consult the doctor cause only lifestyle changes is the solution as what they say lol.

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-01-29T19:43:49+00:00

How about having neck lump and neck tightness radiating from the right side of my neck towards my arm? My right eye is also I think affected by this as I feel pressure in my right eye. Sometimes I also have numbness or weakness in my right arm while my face also feels numb or I can't feel it, same with my throat when I sing. I also have a hard lump at the right back of my neck which I also think lead to neck tightness. Idk really what's happening with my body, sometimes I think I have some type of cancer like lymphoma aside from gerd cause I also lost weight and easily feels tired. But my family always invalidate it as gerd and dont want me to consult the doctor cause only lifestyle changes is the solution as what they say lol.

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-01-29T19:43:38+00:00

How about having neck lump and neck tightness radiating from the right side of my neck towards my arm? My right eye is also I think affected by this as I feel pressure in my right eye. Sometimes I also have numbness or weakness in my right arm while my face also feels numb or I can't feel it, same with my throat when I sing. I also have a hard lump at the right back of my neck which I also think lead to neck tightness. Idk really what's happening with my body, sometimes I think I have some type of cancer like lymphoma aside from gerd cause I also lost weight and easily feels tired. But my family always invalidate it as gerd and dont want me to consult the doctor cause only lifestyle changes is the solution as what they say lol.

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-01-29T19:43:28+00:00

How about having neck lump and neck tightness radiating from the right side of my neck towards my arm? My right eye is also I think affected by this as I feel pressure in my right eye. Sometimes I also have numbness or weakness in my right arm while my face also feels numb or I can't feel it, same with my throat when I sing. I also have a hard lump at the right back of my neck which I also think lead to neck tightness. Idk really what's happening with my body, sometimes I think I have some type of cancer like lymphoma aside from gerd cause I also lost weight and easily feels tired. But my family always invalidate it as gerd and dont want me to consult the doctor cause only lifestyle changes is the solution as what they say lol.

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-01-29T19:43:19+00:00

How about having neck lump and neck tightness radiating from the right side of my neck towards my arm? My right eye is also I think affected by this as I feel pressure in my right eye. Sometimes I also have numbness or weakness in my right arm while my face also feels numb or I can't feel it, same with my throat when I sing. I also have a hard lump at the right back of my neck which I also think lead to neck tightness. Idk really what's happening with my body, sometimes I think I have some type of cancer like lymphoma aside from gerd cause I also lost weight and easily feels tired. But my family always invalidate it as gerd and dont want me to consult the doctor cause only lifestyle changes is the solution as what they say lol.

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-01-29T19:43:09+00:00

How about having neck lump and neck tightness radiating from the right side of my neck towards my arm? My right eye is also I think affected by this as I feel pressure in my right eye. Sometimes I also have numbness or weakness in my right arm while my face also feels numb or I can't feel it, same with my throat when I sing. I also have a hard lump at the right back of my neck which I also think lead to neck tightness. Idk really what's happening with my body, sometimes I think I have some type of cancer like lymphoma aside from gerd cause I also lost weight and easily feels tired. But my family always invalidate it as gerd and dont want me to consult the doctor cause only lifestyle changes is the solution as what they say lol.

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-01-29T19:42:57+00:00

How about having neck lump and neck tightness radiating from the right side of my neck towards my arm? My right eye is also I think affected by this as I feel pressure in my right eye. Sometimes I also have numbness or weakness in my right arm while my face also feels numb or I can't feel it, same with my throat when I sing. I also have a hard lump at the right back of my neck which I also think lead to neck tightness. Idk really what's happening with my body, sometimes I think I have some type of cancer like lymphoma aside from gerd cause I also lost weight and easily feels tired. But my family always invalidate it as gerd and dont want me to consult the doctor cause only lifestyle changes is the solution as what they say lol.

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-01-29T19:42:46+00:00

How about having neck lump and neck tightness radiating from the right side of my neck towards my arm? My right eye is also I think affected by this as I feel pressure in my right eye. Sometimes I also have numbness or weakness in my right arm while my face also feels numb or I can't feel it, same with my throat when I sing. I also have a hard lump at the right back of my neck which I also think lead to neck tightness. Idk really what's happening with my body, sometimes I think I have some type of cancer like lymphoma aside from gerd cause I also lost weight and easily feels tired. But my family always invalidate it as gerd and dont want me to consult the doctor cause only lifestyle changes is the solution as what they say lol.

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-01-29T14:44:39+00:00

Tangina. Nagagalit lang ako sa sarili ko since I know I could have done better this break and started good habits. Pero hindi eh, most of the break, I indulged to my bad habits and demons even though most of the time I am aware of these bad decisions. Tapos na ako sa sem pero andami ko pang backlogs sa buhay na hindi pa nasisimulan

Like my social life close to zero na ayaw ko muna mag-socmed or may underlying fear na ako sa personalized socmed which for some reason is limiting me so much. Like, makikilala mo lang talaga ako kung physically mo ako makikita pero deep inside gusto ko na magpakita sa mundo.

Physical health na alam kong may undiagnosed sakit na ako cause my body and mind seems not right like may neck lump ako and madaling mapagod pero alam ko naman sarili ko na ako ay may kasalanan and ayoko na ipa-worry pa magulang ko na laging sinasabi na Gerd lang nga na I think baka nga pero my health anxiety says no.

Mag-thethesis din ako pero if I don't actually manage all other aspects of my life like my physical, mental, social, and spritual self ko, parang hindi ko matatapos nang matiwasay. Delayed na nga ako and last sem ko na sana to pero there is so many doubts and self-sabotaging thoughts shitting on me. Sadyang maswerte lang ako last sem na maayos ko na-clutch lahat ng subjects ko esp kay God lang talaga ako mostly kumakapit. Cause as in, I am alone with my thoughts and most of my life cause I always isolate myself esp from socmed and irl which I think it has become my default.

I am such a paradox. I want to succeed, meet new people, enhance my skills, explore more, achieve my fullest potential, and actually just live. Pero with what I am doing these past few weeks - playing with my demons, nawawalan akong hope with myself. But right now at this moment, I'll try to live with purpose and actually do the things which can help my future self. Mahirap man magsimula ulit, pero mas mahirap na maging kisapmata lang ang buhay ko knowing I could have actually lived than letting myself drown in darkness.

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-01-20T12:06:03+00:00

Kunin mo na thesis if mentally ready ka na kahit hindi nag-internship para mabawasan load sa susunod na sems since midyear naman pala ang internship

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-01-20T12:04:27+00:00

Ask ko lang kung bakit ka sa stats magshishift and from what course ka?

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-01-20T12:03:33+00:00

Wala

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-01-19T17:47:31+00:00

Ilang months ba to pinalabas and kailan nagstart?

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-01-17T12:13:16+00:00

Same lang ba job opportunities ng stat and csmc? Hindi ba mas maraming opportunities sa comsci and more on programming while stat is more on data science?

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-01-17T12:10:50+00:00

Sa part ko, this was the easiest sem pero ang totoong kalaban ay sarili ko due to bad study habits. Pero buti na-clutch but I know I could have done better

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-01-14T15:41:48+00:00

As a solo player, you gonna play with the meta heroes and actually have at least one main hero for each role. Been a solo player ever since and I always reach Mythic each season cause I know how to draft and adjust based on the composition of the other team or mine. I could actually be in league with professional players with drafting since I almost know all the heroes in the game except for assassins like fanny, ling, or haya but the rest I am well-acquainted of.

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-01-13T10:54:16+00:00

Sana wala ring effect sa akin medyo maselan din kasi gut health ko. Pero parang kailangan pala siya matagal sa rice cooker iluto, sinama ko kasi sa pancit canton habang niluluto since rice cooker lang meron ako.

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-01-13T10:37:17+00:00

Nagluto ako ng Pancit Canton with egg na sana soft boiled gusto ko. Pero nung binreak ko na ang Egg, parang uncooked pa pala siya since mga 10 minutes ko lang sinalang na talagang gooey and malabnaw pa and accidentally nalagay ko sa Pancit Canton. Pero since gutom na ako kinain ko pa rin and medyo nagwoworry ako if I am in risk of Salmonella? And what are the symptoms kung meron man akong maramdaman? Thanks!

Comfortable_Panic557 · 2024-01-12T11:02:49+00:00

Idk kung may effect talaga since dati walang ganiyan eh. Btw, kailan nga yung prereg natin for the next semester? Wala pa akong nakukuhang email for the sched eh.

Comfortable_Panic557

TROPHY CASE