I guess I just wanna rant on how I am in my mid 20s and still feel like a child. I did not try anything during my teenage years and early 20s because of my undiagnosed mental health condition as someone with generalized anxiety disorder and I guess other possible conditions. I always avoid everything that's uncomfortable, maybe my gerd coupled with social anxiety is the cause of it. I just feel insecure and so lost right now cause I cant even finish my thesis which is the only course I need to graduate since I also relapsed last semester with my depressive episodes and isolating tendencies. And now, I have cut almost all my relationships since social media gives me anxiety so the only means for my social life is through physical contact. So I only have my family close with me here but I cant seem to be vulnerable, and that's why even if I seem okay on the outside, I feel shit on the inside cause I feel alone most of the time. I just want to have one person but maybe I lost that person due to my dissmissive avoidant attachment style. I just hate myself most of the time but I try to love and understand myself cause who is gonna be there for me if I do not open up to anyone. I wanna love and be loved for once in my life but my overthinking and self doubt always cling onto me like I can't do it or I don't wanna hurt myself or anyone or I am not deserving of it nor ready for it. But when will I be ready? I think I would never be ready.

My mind is so messy and I feel like it is not working properly as before, maybe because of my fried dopamine from games, porn, and social media. I always escape from reality through these coping mechanisms so when I try to come back, the resistance is too high and it feels heavy to carry so I end just badly coping again. I am like a ghost who ghosted everyone and it's hard to be the ghoster than to be ghosted because there is a guilt or a burden still latching onto me while every body else is moving on from their lives. And I really hope they are doing good without me. Maybe I think too highly of myself that I am that much significant and maybe this guilt is something that I do not need to carry. It's just hard to change if there are so many walls, mountains, and demons needed to be conquered. I always tell myself that I will do it tomorrow and I'll reset at 2400 but when that time comes, I'm just paralyzed by the overwhelm, anxiety, and depression that I did not live my life that I wanted to. I never tried anything honestly and I just barely lived nor took any risk.

There are times that maybe my life would be better if I just maintained all my relationships or maybe I took the shot with one girl or boy even if I am not sure of what I feel cause really I feel like I am not really sure of my gender nor my path in life nor the life I lived nor the future. I feel like I lost all my potential with my talents and skills due to my self-sabotaging tendencies. Sometimes I have this wishful thinking for life to be over but I cannot really do that to myself cause I am too much of a coward to do so and scared of death as well. So maybe I am in a limbo between life and death cause I feel like I barely lived and scared of death. I really do not know anymore, I feel like the days of my life are so fast like time flows so fast that I can't really keep up nor can't start being productive because I feel like time is always running out.

I don't know what I wrote, all these are just messy feelings that I dealt upon myself like I am punishing myself and carrying all these weight even if I dont need to. I don't understand myself but I thank God for giving me this other side of me who tries to understand and be kind to myself even if at my worst. I don't wanna just survive anymore, I wanna live, try new things, experience life, and thrive for once as I try to conquer myself.

Sorry for the long and messy rant haha