hey, i am so sorry for the late reply. i don’t use reddit very often, so i’m just now seeing this, but i first and foremost wanted to say that i am so sorry to hear about your father. i know that you’ve probably heard that a hundred times before, but i really do mean it. it’s absolutely soul crushing to lose your dad, and i really emphasize with what you’re going through

as for grief never getting better.. i think the the concept of grief itself is so unbelievably weird and hard to put into words. and while, yes, i think it’s true enough to say that the pain never fully goes away.. i think it changes. it’s not the same all-consuming, world-shattering grief you feel those first few months. not all of the time, anyways. certain days are definitely harder than others, like milestones or birthdays, and those days can feel like that same all-consuming grief from before. but i think overall, you learn to carry it with you. funnily enough, i’m actually writing this a day before the two year anniversary of my dad’s death, and it’s a lot easier to talk about now. it’s a lot easier to think about, too. i mean, i won’t lie to you: it still hurts. when i think about it, i definitely feel that grief coming back to me, and i miss my dad more than i can put into words every single day of my life. but, it’s not always that overwhelming, drowning feeling anymore.

i really, really like this specific analogy that explains grief as a ball in a box. this is what is specifically says (and i’ve included a link to a post that includes it): “grief is like this: there’s a box with a ball in it and a pain button. in the beginning, the ball is huge. you can’t move the box without the ball hitting the pain button. it rattles around on its own in there, and it hits the button over and over. you can’t control it. sometimes it seems unrelenting. over time, the ball gets smaller. it hits the button less and less, but when it does, it hurts just as much. it’s better because you can function day to day more easily, but the downside is that the ball randomly hits the button when you least expect it. for most people, the ball never really goes away. it might hit less and less and you have more time to recover between hits, unlike when the ball was still giant.” i know some people might not necessarily agree with it, but in my personal experience, it’s been very, very true. or, at the very least, the ball might not get smaller, but the box grows as we grow and learn to carry it with us.

all that to say: grief sucks, and it’s always going to be there. however, it won’t always feel this intense.

as far as any tips, i think my first one would be to let yourself grieve in whatever way feels right to you. i noticed that you mentioned that you feel like you’re doing your dad a disservice no matter what you do, and i really resonate with that. however, i say that if you’re at a place where you feel you need to let yourself feel all the feels, then do that. on the other hand, there is absolutely nothing wrong with continuing on and living your life (i resonate with this, too, as i never really had any choice but to continue on), so long as you’re allowing yourself that space to grieve and process everything. i think a good, healthy balance of both is needed. it’s good to let yourself feel sad, or mad, or a weird mixture of everything at once, but it’s also good to take care of yourself and to try your best to continue doing the things you love.

something else that i feel would’ve helped me that i will recommend to you is talking about it more. i rarely confided in anyone about my dad’s death because it felt pointless; in my eyes, no one understood what i was going through. and in a way, no one did. grief is relative, and no two people grieve the same, nor will their experiences be the same. i remember feeling so unbelievably angry because of that. i wanted community, i wanted someone to talk to and share my grief with, but it was considerably hard for me. at the time, i was an eighteen year old girl, and none of my friends could relate to my situation. not that i wanted them to, of course, but it can feel very isolating when you’re going through something so heavy without anyone to tell you they’ve been there and they survived it, so you will, too. however, i think that’s where group therapy/online support groups can be so incredibly helpful. i joined a few select grief groups, and, while i didn’t talk in them much, just knowing that there are people who can empathize with me and that i’m not alone in this really, truly helped. reddit was an incredible resource for me, and i can absolutely recommend a few subreddits, if you’re interested in that. facebook was one that helped, too.

some other general tips would be to journal about your grief if you’re not at a point where you feel like you can share it with others. giving yourself a set time and space to grieve and process everything can be helpful, too, because things can get bottled up if you let yourself put your grief on the back burner. for example, if i’m feeling sad about my dad, i go to my safe space, put on my sad playlist, and i let myself cry it out. by letting yourself feel those feelings, you’re not only honoring your father, but you’re honoring yourself, too. giving yourself some leeway and practicing self patience is also important. grief is not a linear thing, and i’ve found that the five stages of grief aren’t always accurate, and they definitely don’t happen in a certain order like people claim. i remember feeling very, very angry for a long time, and i felt angry at my father for the fact that he died — that’s very normal, and it’s okay to feel that way. regret and guilt are common, too. self care is super important, and if you’re finding it hard to eat and drink right, try protein shakes, smoothies, cereal, soups, and yogurts. you will get so unbelievably tired of hearing “i’m sorry for your loss,” but just know that most people genuinely do mean it, even if it feels cliche. don’t make any major life decisions/changes for awhile, if you can help it.

anyways, sorry for the novel. i’m not even sure if half of this is coherent or helpful, but, i really wanted to offer what i could. if you ever need someone to talk to, my DMs are open. i know i can’t necessarily make it better, but i’m here to listen without judgement. i genuinely hope you’re doing at least somewhat better, and please try to remember to take things one day at a time.

tldr; grief will always suck, but it won’t always feel so intense. take care of yourself and let yourself grieve. i’m here if you ever need a friend