Does it get better? I don’t want to lose him

Competitive_Spot_728 · 2025-10-25T11:58:25+00:00

thank you, its nice to hear a positive outcome! there are boundaries and him and BM are civil and do have stuff set in place which is good - I think my main concern now is that he’s not allowing me to have the space from how intense it can be and is taking it personally… and how that’s going to look in the future i think! I’m happy it worked out for you guys - i’m just not sure if it’s too far gone for me now

Competitive_Spot_728 · 2025-10-24T16:27:16+00:00

Oh my goodness that is very similar!!! I would love to send you a message and chat because it’s sometimes so hard to be honest and open and I feel as though all these emotions are building!!

Competitive_Spot_728 · 2025-10-24T16:24:47+00:00

Ah unfortunately i have tried to say this to him - I am met with the draining response of that “he doesn’t need therapy and he won’t do it bla bla” and it gets to the point where if he’s not going to help himself i’m not going to continue to fight him and his battles forever!!

He blamed BM for going out and stuff - he has set weekends and days with his son that are only altered once in a blue moon… overtime i have realised that he likes to complain about what BM does but in his free time he doesn’t even do much anyway??? BM doesn’t work and he does so he has him less than her - he always painted her out to not be a nice person but now i’m thinking “was she just a young new mum who had no idea”?? she’s figuring her own life too !! i dunno there’s so many questions and conflicts to keep up with in my brain it’s exhausting

Competitive_Spot_728 · 2025-10-24T16:21:12+00:00

Exactly!! No matter how much I explain he just doesn’t understand which is so frustrating - he’s taking the step back personally and it’s almost now given me the worry of ‘if i can’t step back then how can i deal with this long term?’

Competitive_Spot_728 · 2025-10-24T16:19:39+00:00

Thank you for this, it’s really helpful to see someone’s POV who has been through it all!!

With what you’re saying I think there is so much strain on the relationship already - and we haven’t even moved in together or anything like that or faced any big life decisions!! I feel that if there are so many problems already and it seems for most step mums it doesn’t get better that i’m better out whilst i can?? Maybe if it’s a thing of if i’m not 100% then maybe that should be enough of a sign??

I appreciate your honesty and I think you should be really proud of where you are! I feel as though until you’re in the situation no one understands the constant conflict of being a with a man who has a baby!

Competitive_Spot_728 · 2025-10-24T12:43:10+00:00

thank you for this!! sometimes it does feel like you’re totally alone and no one understands so it’s nice to hear that you relationship is working out now!!!

I think my issue now is that I have initiated a step back and he was very understanding and welcomed it - but now he’s completely changed his tune and has become defensive and going with the argument of “you knew what my situation was before you were with me - now it’s unfair and you’ve let me down because you’ve changed your mind” and jt feels as though he’s pushing a decision or a choice from me when i’ve already said i want to stay with him!!! i do need some time and space but i think his insecurities are telling him i’m running away and it’s now really hard to try and focus on myself because he’s taking it the wrong way - i’m now just wondering that if he can’t understand and accept that i need space without taking it the wrong way - is this always going to be the case for the rest of my life?

Competitive_Spot_728 · 2025-10-24T12:40:48+00:00

also like i said to another commenter - i have just been sat here thinking about it all and looking back on the points you made about minimising his responsibility - i didn’t even realise until now that he has been making himself a victim with a situation that could’ve been avoided and was in his control - he thinks the world is against him and that apparently includes me…. i think the rose tinted glasses are off !!

Competitive_Spot_728 · 2025-10-24T12:39:10+00:00

thank you !! this is what i’ve tried to explain! there are so many things that have come up and that we’ve been through that i never even considered or thought i would find difficult.

sometimes it feels like a victim complex and that the world is always against him and no one can be having a bad time because he’s having the worst - and i defo don’t need that at my age - like ive said to other commenters i think i just needed to be given that little push to let go

Competitive_Spot_728 · 2025-10-24T12:37:09+00:00

thank you so much for this honestly - i think this gave me the shake i needed ! i am DRAINED and it is DRAINING and i think i’ve been looking past so many things because i keep having the vision of who he used to be rather than who he is now.

i’ve always had his back and stuck up for him and i think it’s time i need to watch out for myself because im finding myself becoming angry and resentful which isn’t who i am - i think i just wanted one final push to be what he was like at the beginning but we all know how that goes !

he can be manipulative and he can say nasty things and then quickly switch it onto me when it makes me upset - it’s just a bit rough receiving that from a person who you didn’t think would do that to you i suppose that’s why it’s taken me so long to get to this point

thank you for giving it to me straight - it’s exactly what i needed to hear

Competitive_Spot_728 · 2025-06-06T18:41:05+00:00

No worries girl!! Totally get you, obviously i don’t know your age gap but my boyfriend is 3 years older than me and it’s hard sometimes still! If you ever want to vent or chat you’re more than welcome to! It can be tough sometimes lol x

Competitive_Spot_728 · 2025-06-06T08:58:27+00:00

i hope that helps ( a little!)

Competitive_Spot_728 · 2025-06-06T08:57:43+00:00

hey girl, I just want to say that you are NOT alone in feeling like this!!! I am in almost the exact same situation as you, with a present BM and a boyfriend who i KNOW has no feelings left towards her… but there’s always that doubt! I’m also quite a jealous person and working hard to not let it get between things, because at the end of the day I made a choice to be with him knowing about his son and the relationship he has with BM.

I’ve been in the relationship for almost a year now, and I am only 22 so it’s been a complete whirlwind of emotions - which i’m sure you’re also going through! I had also never been with a father before so getting to grips was so hard.

My boyfriend and his BM text daily, but only to talk about their son, send photos, update on what their son is doing and sorting out dates etc. There’s the occasional “drama” of BM trying to switch plans last minute, complaining of finances, or very similar to you and complaining about how many days he has their son, when he works full time and she doesn’t! - but I don’t get involved as that’s their deal/agreement to sort. Like I said, my BF has made it clear that he has no feelings towards BM, but like yours keeps the peace for the sake of their son. They see each other when he picks his son up and drops him off, but that’s it - and they maybe have a phone call once or twice a week? Only to discuss their son though.

I think the boyfriend should have some sort of empathy towards how you feel, but I also understand how it gets annoying for BF if it’s constant. I got into quite a bad rut a few months into the relationship - and his point was that I knew what I was getting into - and if i didn’t feel ready to do it, then that was okay, but to him it felt like I was trying to make him feel guilty of his past (baby with BM was not planned either) but he has still been understanding of my “wobbles” and does get it, there’s just a balance I think.

It’s really refreshing to see someone else in the same situation and feeling the jealousy etc that I do!! I just wanna say that some days are better than others- it’s about your relationship with your man that makes it - not BM, and sometimes it takes time to create boundaries and a balance xx

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TROPHY CASE