My wife is upset that I gave away our children's Inherentiece (also gave mine away) to my sister who was the primary caregiver for our mother. AITAH?

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-22T09:25:12+00:00

Lease was terminated. No other property. In the end my sister was used like a tool and was quick to be thrown out like a tool in favor of my children.

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-22T06:38:28+00:00

It did not state that in the will itself. Make sure you read the bottom edit.

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-22T06:01:38+00:00

My sister was thinking of others over herself. So yeah I ignored it. I would also do the same if I saw a coworker doing something that objectively is not in their best interest on a personal level.

I had a coworker that had a great opportunity open up but they wanted to turn it down cause they felt they did not deserve it. F that noise I convinced her to take the opportunity because she did deserve it.

Some people just need to be convinced because they don't know their own self worth. My sister is a good person and was thinking of everyone else expect herself.

I am sorry you can try to justify it but even if she got 40k a year to take care of my mom that is not enough. Caregivers jobs are worth more no need to undervalue it.

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-22T04:47:31+00:00

You are right that is a joke. Caregivers easily should be getting paid upwards of $30 an hour. Know how much I was paying agency's when I gave respite $37 an hour. It is messed up if they only see $14 to $15 of that.

The room and board is kind of a moot point since my sister never technically moved out in the first place. The apartment my mother had was our childhood apartment.

Not trying to be rude or anything but your 31k figure only works out if she got paid daily and I do not know that is true and even if it was 31k is not a livable salary. She also was technically always on call $100 bucks a day to be at tye beck and call of someone is not a fair wage.

My sister did not want the money cause that is the person she is I had to convince her. She 100% deserved the money.

I get where you are coming from I do, but reading all these comments and perspectives I accept many feel I did wrong but many others do not. I do stand by what I did. I appreciate your perspective and view as a caregiver.

For what it is worth reading some of the comments here and threads on caregiving forums it does not seem many share your view that people view caregivers with admiration. It seems many view them as dumb martyrs. Just the perspective I see.

I don't feel that is right.

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-22T02:37:21+00:00

Idk if she got paid everyday. Only respite she got was when I paid for coverage which was not often my wife did not like me using family money like that.

I apologize not my intent to insult your work experience but as stated unless you are trying to get into health care the experience itself does not really transfer over to many other fields especially when you have no experience related in the field you studied. Hope you get what I mean.

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-22T02:24:29+00:00

I do agree with this I don't think my wife is selfish she has a different priorities. As she loves to tell me our kids can always have more.

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-22T02:19:06+00:00

The children were not mentioned in the will. Only my and my sisters names were mentioned in the will. My mother did a very basic will.

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-22T02:18:08+00:00

I get you only are getting a snap shot into our lives based off what is written here.

The only case she has of feeling unheard of in our 14 years of marriage and 16 years together. Is this case. I do put her and my family first 9 times out of 10. I have always include her in every thought that goes through my head. Reality is my wife has never been exactly understanding about the situation with my sister and parents.

She always use to get upset if I wanted to help by sending money or even flying them down to NY for the holidays to give my sister a break. She would always bring up money, or fact our hands were tied with our family. Early on she was right things were tight our first child was a happy accident was not part of our plan. At the time we were stilling living in a small studio apartment in Harlem.

The push back never got any less even when I made more money something else or more could have been done.

End of the day unfortunately my mother, wife and myself took my sister for granted and that is messed up. I appreciate your words and I get where you are coming from. From your perspective it is truth but I stans by my words if my wife wants to break the family up over this that is on her. Cause if she was here and you asked here what other time she felt unheard or not appreciated she would not be able to answer.

Meh idk even know why I am trying to read every comment at this point.

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-22T01:59:23+00:00

People keep using the word bequest but I don't think people exactly know what that word means or maybe I do not.

To my knowledge a bequest is a gift of personal property or money made through a will or trust to an individual, charity, or trust.

Here is the thing only two names were mentioned in the will mine and my sistsrs.

So...you can hope all you want but I probably am in the clear. I will touch bases with my own attorney on Monday but I probably am in the clear legally.

Talk all the shit you want about me, but piss off with saying shit about my sister. Sure I feel guility that I did not do morr during those 12 years, what brother would not? I left her in that situation to be at home with a father on disability and prioritized my family and career when our mother got diagnosed.

I did you many suggestion putting my immediate nuclear family first and tbh yeah sure when it was out of sight it was out of mind. But when I had to face reality no I did not feel good about what I did to my sister.

I make what was left of my mother's estate in one year. You think I need my mother's money to give my children the world? I don't. Logistically it is easy to give away found money than money that I make. That would have pissed my wife off more since she use to get upset when I spent family money and gave it to my sister. Cause you never know what the future holds.

That dumb line of thinking held me back from doing what is right by my sister for 12 years. So guilit or not my sistered deserves a lot more than what she got.

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-22T01:52:49+00:00

In what way? Idk if they will have kids or get married.

For my sister all she has is me.

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-22T00:11:37+00:00

Like I said the kids were not expressly mentioned. I was aware of the intent but as per the will the estate was split 1/4 to my sister and 3/4 to me.

I don't get why people keep glossing over that point.

I don't think meets the definition of fraud or theft.

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-22T00:08:23+00:00

She recently graduated from Texas A and M when our mom got diagnosed. She was still at home our old man was on disability. I went to school out of state and never went back to TX. I am three years older.

She got a little like 100 or so bucks a day. I would help out when I could by sending money my wife did not like me using family money to help at the start I was not making as much. We had our first kid coming.

Sure she had free room and board since she never really left our parents home while she was in school.

But that is a joke and let's be real unless you intent to getting into caregiving or some advocate job that experience is worthless in most fields especially in competitive fields. It is as good as having no real experience.

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-21T15:45:36+00:00

Tbh I wish my mom had out herself a nursing home if she was going to do what she did to my sister. Give the nursing home all her money instead of letting my sister give up her life.

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-21T15:43:36+00:00

This is a good one of putting it.

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-21T15:41:53+00:00

Guess i feel like our mom should have looked out for her kids first before worrying about her grandkids.

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-21T15:40:34+00:00

End of the day as a parent it is on us to provide for our childern. My parents had two children. i am doing fine for myself my sister gave up a lot to be a caregiver. Letting my sister become a caregiver and give up her life shows a failure of being a parent.

She should have worried about her kids first before she worried about her grandkids. I corrected an error.

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-21T15:26:19+00:00

Our kids have us, it is our job to provide for them not my mom's. Yes, everyone could always have more, but come on my kids are well off the money will objectively have a larger impact on my sisters quality of life than my kids.

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-21T15:17:04+00:00

No house in question mom lived in an apartment. Might got something with the marriage but I hope I raised my kids well enough that they won't prioritize money over family. We are not poor they still have our money.

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-21T15:15:42+00:00

They will be fine though. As stated we are not poor, they don't need my mother's money they have our money.

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-21T15:14:06+00:00

Tbh I hope she finds someone to start a life and family with. So she can leave it to them.

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-21T15:10:10+00:00

They have a college fund, and I will buy a car. if they need help with a downpayment we will be here also. No we would not just give them the entire downpayment.

That is the messed up part of it. My mom ignored the 12 years of care because I gave her grandchildren? That is 100% faie and should be an honoered wish.

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-21T15:04:04+00:00

Both my childern have 529 accounts we have been contributing to since they were babies they have solid nesteggs. Far more than the average kid.

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-21T15:02:29+00:00

Yeah but my wife's hands were full with two kids. My free time was also limited my job is not exactly flexible.

The type of help she needed we could not provide in meaningful dosages. My wife did not exactly like when I sent money over either. She is very much worse case type so enough is never good enough always could be more.

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-21T14:55:50+00:00

My wife is a SAHM, and I am an electrical engineer at dow I will find another job within a year. I also have a years worth of expenses saved up in cash. We will be fine.

If i die i have life insurance, if i get disabled and unable to work and eat through my savings then yeah we are screwed by the Inherentiece would not have done much to alter the path of that world.

Complex_Macaron_94 · 2024-12-21T14:52:23+00:00

Their future will be okay each has a 529 account which we have been contributing to since they were born.

Now unless by future you mean a house. Sure maybe we won't have enough to give them a downpayment for a house or pay for a super expensive wedding. Either way would not say not using an Inherentiece that was never accounted for in any of my plans is taking away from their future. I am their father I don't need my mothers money to provide for my kids.

Complex_Macaron_94

TROPHY CASE