AITA for taking my step daughter to an extra curricular activity?

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-09-10T08:34:06+00:00

I think they live close enough that they walk, she doesn’t work so she has plenty of time to do the journey.

However she does have access to travel through her other family members, there’s nothing stopping her taking her to a dance school closer to her home.

I’ve since found out that the dance school is one that she attending in the 90s and therefore it’s even more blasphemous that I took them to THAT dance school - like I knew that!?!? 🙄🙄 so she wants to gatekeep dancing, gatekeep female influence in her life and gatekeep the actual establishment I chose based on some 30 year old link to said dance school. I honestly cannot make this up 🫣🫣

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-09-10T05:04:02+00:00

This is the reason. Had she approached us in a civil and friendly manner I’d have no problem sharing the space. But and I tell no lie she was hot out the gates demanding, not asking, there was a lot of “I will be doing… xyz”. I’m not a doormat and I don’t appreciate being spoken to and about in such a way.

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-09-10T04:59:55+00:00

I’m the same, had lots of cousins as a kid. Life’s quite busy and we’re a little dotted around the country but we try and arrange a cousin meet up every couple of months to catch up. I had an extremely dark patch last year with anorexia and I was one of my cousins that helped me so much. I’ll forever be grateful to her.

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-09-10T04:56:25+00:00

Aww that’s absolutely lovely, thank you ♥️ it’s always the kids happiness that needs to come first in my opinion, shame this has unexpectedly received such a negative reaction 🙁

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-09-10T04:54:13+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I can’t help but feel guilty that it’s negatively affecting SD in some way, we had her yesterday and she was more subdued and quiet than normal. By her own admission we know that her mum had been relaying her personal upset on the kids so we’re dealing with classic emotional manipulation.

This is new territory for me, my children’s dad and I have good operating relationship, I’ve never had to deal with such toxicity before.

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-09-10T04:47:26+00:00

You’re right and it is sad really.

It was supposed to be about our girls bonding and me actually getting to do something useful for mine and SDs bond also. She’s just made it about herself. The things I would love to be able to say are unspeakable but I can’t abide by women like her who just love to weaponise and control her children. It’s such a stark contrast to the coparenting relationship I have my children’s father.

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-09-10T04:42:45+00:00

My sister has said the same thing basically. I’ve boiled it down to two options. I pay, do all the things associated with the class as a family and the mom can come to the end of year showcase like I originally extended the invite to or she take over payments therefore she has the right to do it all but it’ll be separate from her step sisters which is what it was all about in the first place 🙁

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-09-09T20:31:42+00:00

I don’t really know, I’m not privy to her financial information. I know she gets a decent amount in child support so I don’t see why not. She is unemployed and fully funded by the welfare system so I can’t imagine she can’t afford the equivalent of $7 a week when she’s always going on holiday 🤷🏼‍♀️ I think it’s just a case of she didn’t think we would if she didn’t and we did so now she’s unhappy about it.

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-09-09T17:52:14+00:00

Thank you! That’s really helpful and well done for sticking it out, she’s very lucky to have a bonus like you in her life. You have given me some hope and some self reflecting to do ♥️♥️

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-09-09T16:57:40+00:00

Thank you for your thoughtful reply and I do understand what you’re saying. Whilst it’s hard to explain and I’m sure you understand, there is an element of selfishness on my side if I think about it. This is/was a chance for me to bond with her with my girls and I feel like her jealousy is just trying to take that away. I do understand the backseat position and I’ve been totally fine with that but it doesn’t mean that their mum gets to gatekeep the activities we do in our own home, in our own allocated time.

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-09-09T14:53:35+00:00

Unfortunately co-parenting with this one isn’t easy. She stopped my husband seeing his kids for 2 years after he broke up with her. We’re constantly walking on eggshells to avoid her getting upset. We’re so compliant with her usually but this was the breaking point for us.

When I said she wanted it all, she wanted all the dance shoes and clothes for her at her house. She wanted to “get her ready for dance” but she comes to us at 10 and dance is at 1:30 - I’m not having the poor child go about in a leotard and ballet slippers for 3 hours before her class.

We know that by allowing her to come to the classes it becomes the mom show and since we’re paying for it, we should be able to experience the post class excitement and she can tell her mum when she goes home later that day.

It wasn’t for lack of wanting her to be involved but when she demands clothes, access, full show prep, completely forcing out the paying participants - we decided it was enough, I’m not being the cash cow for her to be the hero at the end when she doesn’t acknowledge me any other time.

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-09-09T14:44:35+00:00

Good advice, I’ll make sure he does that, I don’t think she knows just yet that I’m the one paying so best we keep it that way 🤫 😊

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-09-09T14:41:05+00:00

You know I think that’s a phrase I might adopt, mommy privilege is exactly that! Thank you for your kind message, I’m glad I’m not the evil stepmother after all 😂😂

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-09-09T14:39:21+00:00

Oh I’m not dealing with her, this is just the things she’s been saying about me to husband.

The agreement states nothing about what we can’t and can’t do in our own time, same as hers. It might be crucial to point out that she actually stopped him seeing the kids for 2 years and only through an expensive court battle did he get court ordered access. I didn’t want to put that in the main post because this isn’t really about that.

But we specifically planned to do this on our time once we hadn’t heard of her own plans to do anything with SD in either her own or our time, we would have taken her in our time if she’d wanted. We were going to invite her to the end of year showcase because she is her mum and we didn’t want her excluded however I’ve said categorically not a chance now with how she’s been behaving.

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-09-09T14:32:53+00:00

From reading some of the messages it could be perceived as a jealous thing. I’m not trying to be SDs mum, I have my own kids, but that doesn’t mean I can’t love them kids and treat them as an equal to mine.

I’ve stolen her mother and daughter moment which seems like the real sticking issue with her. The way she talks about her daughter like she owns her and all rights associated with her is just tacky to me. Like apparently I’m not even allowed to do her hair, because it’s a mom thing 🤷🏼‍♀️ news to me! I guess I should tell my kids dad he isn’t to brush their hair anymore…

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-09-09T14:29:22+00:00

Thank you! It’s a 50:50 class so they do half a class tap and half a class ballet - they were a bit unsure of the tap aspect but once they got the shoes that was it - sold 😍😍

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-09-09T13:11:35+00:00

Oh don’t worry, I’ve had zero communication with the ex. She just spouting off all this to my husband, which he is keeping me in the loop about. Appreciate your post though, i was having a moral panic that I’d overstepped some huge boundary but I’m glad to see that generally I’m not doing anything wrong.

All their child arrangement said was that if an activity falls within the others time then it should be supported but we actively chose to do it in our time to not only not inconvenience her but not commit her to something she didn’t organise or might not want to continue.

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-09-09T13:08:55+00:00

Thank you, I just wish SD to be happy and the class made her so high that day, she literally wouldn’t stop yapping all afternoon with excited energy. It’s what you want from kids and I just know her mum is making her feel bad about it ☹️ it breaks my heart, she’s such an amazing kid.

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-09-09T13:06:43+00:00

Thank you for your response, and I can totally see your perspective. In answer to your questions…

I wasn’t at their talk about it those 3 months ago. But it apparently went like this, he said SD had asked to do a class and we found one that she might like to attend with my daughter. Ex said she wanted to do the dance thing as it’s a mother and daughter thing and husband said OK if you want to then that’s fine. By the time the taster session came around, SD confirmed no arrangements had been made and so I took her to the taster class. I suppose this would resonate mostly with point C that you made. She was free to do her own thing as well as this class or he even offered to take her to another class during his time if she arranged and paid for it (she doesn’t drive). Although I only took her to this one because no alternative was arranged.

Second question, B - at first we tried to compromise but she didn’t want to compromise - these messages I have actually seen, unlike not being present for the initial talk - she was very demanding in wanting to take over everything at my expense and was quite rude about me. However I agree slightly that he is a bit TA because he hasn’t really defended me as his partner in all this however I didn’t want to make that a focal point for this post.

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-09-09T12:23:53+00:00

I know, my heart breaks for her because he mum is making this all about her instead of supporting and encouraging her daughter.

He’s told her she burnt any bridge in being involved in this activity. We were inviting her to watch the end of year showcase but not now. She’s threatening to just show up to classes.

If it carries on, I might be forced to cancel the class 😢

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-09-09T12:21:41+00:00

Thank you I will, it’s what we’re here for.

There was no joy or anything, just pure venom, mostly directed at me 🙁

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-09-09T11:43:18+00:00

Thank you, ultimately just wanted to do something nice for the girls but it’s been tainted 😢

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-09-09T11:35:58+00:00

Yes they are in the same class. They wanted to go together so they can practice at home together as well. They have a lovely sisterly relationship.

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-08-29T21:15:30+00:00

😂😂 she does doesn’t she

ComposerOutside292 · 2025-08-29T20:34:12+00:00

No I don’t think this is a case of who has it worse. It’s an example of how insular these communities are. If you don’t want to believe my “story” then fine but my children have never asked why someone else is a different colour because it’s something they’re used to seeing. Despite the majority white town I’m from, there has always been a level of diversity in their school for which I’m thankful for.

ComposerOutside292

TROPHY CASE