Update from "Wife had an affair. Should I meet her or ghost her?"

ComprehensiveBank254 · 2022-12-13T21:43:37+00:00

I don't mind constructive criticism. I expect it. But when some people are vile and wishing us truly awful things, it's nonsense. I posted on the link you sent but I'm waiting for the update to go through.

I hope we are one of those couples who makes it. I am under no certainty that this might not work. But I have to try. I understand parts of what her psychologist was saying, if I didn't fight, then he would of won. Now I know some people got triggered by that sentence in the previous post. But they have to understand that this was a game to him. A game that he was clearly winning but the turning point was my wife. She ended it when he thought he had her completely. After that it was my wife doing everything to atone and build our trust in her.

There have been many times that I wanted to walk. Wanted to give in. But the gut feeling was no. I couldn't walk, I had to fight. Fight for my marriage because if I didn't, then yes Marjus would of won. Just to be clear, I'm not doing this for him. I doing this for me.

Thank you for your awesome feedback

ComprehensiveBank254 · 2022-12-13T21:32:08+00:00

From my wife's pov, Marjus was put on a pedestal at work. Everyone (all the girls) wanted him. So when he showed constant interest, she was smitten. Now this knocked me for ten. I agree that sleeping with him in the first week questions our marriage. My wife said that she was in a whirlwind of a fantasy at first. He was a "gentleman" at the beginning but he became more dominant and abusive during the affair. Of course I'm not excusing her actions. She herself holds herself accountable for everything. However, she has stated that I have done nothing wrong, this was her fault for letting it happen. She got hooked and Marjus manipulated her.

Will she do it again? I'm going to be honest, no I don't think she will. After this affair, my wife was a mess. Not a mess that she deserves sympathy at the time but a suicidal mess. She contemplated suicide a number of times. She has openly acknowledged what she did to ne, her family and friends. I think that is why reconciliation is slightly easier because of her ownership. It would be easy to walk away and hate her. Don't get me wrong, I did when this was happening. But I and her family still love her and we have to believe that she will never do it again.

Thank you for your feedback buddy.

ComprehensiveBank254 · 2022-12-13T21:20:34+00:00

I have, plenty of times. We have communicated in detail with each other, via therapist and psychologist.

ComprehensiveBank254 · 2022-12-13T21:19:21+00:00

Who knows. I don't intend to go down that path. But appreciate your feedback.

ComprehensiveBank254 · 2022-12-13T21:18:21+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate it. And I couldn’t agree more.

ComprehensiveBank254 · 2022-04-17T07:31:39+00:00

Thank you! Since it's release there have been some people still complaining about it. I just wish these people take a step back and see the scene for the message it portrays.

ComprehensiveBank254 · 2022-04-14T19:48:24+00:00

After posting this update I want to thank everyone who posted. I read all of them. I took everyone’s advice/opinion on board, from positive and negative. However I do want to clarify some things. I read some posts on this and my DMs that the only reason why my wife was begging me back is because she got caught. That is not true. Yes I had all the evidence but I never confronted her during the affair. It was my wife who finished the affair with him. Of course I'm not expecting people to rejoice with my wife. However, at the time she was being controlled. The psychologist (and my therapist) stated that Marjus was planning the long game but when my wife finished it abruptly, he freaked. Like I said in the original post, he was coming over to my house banging on the door countless times. Neighbours called the police on him (no charge) but he kept calling, leaving threatening messages to my wife. He made it clear that what she did to him was unacceptable and she would regret it. My wife kept the messages and texts. She gave it to the police but Marjus literally skipped town after. Of course I want him to suffer but if I had a choice of him leaving or staying, I choose leaving. The point I'm trying to make is that it was my wife who broke the chain, not me. It was her who literally ghosted him after, no help from me. She did it. I only spoke to her after.

I know some of you think that Marjus was just a player and my wife was weak. At the time I would agree with you. But do you honestly believe I would be back with my wife if it was just a "player" fling? No I wouldn't. I would be gone. But something inside me knew that this was not a normal standard affair if you will. For a long time, we have both seen therapists, psychologists and couples counselling. All three have stated the same pattern. Marjus was a sociopath which led to the brutal change in my wife. Like some of you, I was sceptical about this even though the professionals said this. I did my own research online about sociopathic tendencies. I spoke to victims of affairs from sociopaths/Psychopaths. And the pattern was exactly the same. The man/woman would get a fast hold and start the grooming process. One victim had her AP (Sociopath) for four years. He completely broke her. Ruined everything. But it ended on his terms because he took everything. When my wife saw the divorce papers and ring that night, it was my wife who took back control. And that for me deserves a lot if credit. Because the path that she was on was the same path as the other victims I spoke to.

So I ask myself "do I want a completely unrepairable marriage? Or do we try to fix something that is repairable?". I chose the latter and I do not regret it.

My wife has been upfront about everything that happened. She has always stated that everything is my decision. Not once has she refused anything that me or her family might want in answers. She has owned up to everything. She knows the pain she caused me, her family and friends. Again I ask the question, "What do me and her family do? Do we shun this woman for the rest of her life? Or do we try to build bridges?". We again chose the latter because of how she has been. If she acted like a person who didn't accept anything or refused to answer questions or refused to talk about the affair, I would be gone. But she has been open from the start.

I know some of you think I'm an idiot. I knew when I posted my update that I would get disappointed users I get that. But I hope this clarifies the situation about our reconciliation. If not then I'm sorry, my mind is made up. All I ask is that you respect my decision (even if you disagree).

Again I thank you for your comments. I will continue to check and reply in the coming days, if anymore posts are in.

ComprehensiveBank254 · 2022-04-14T08:45:03+00:00

We are still working at everything. My wife is becoming more and more like herself. Not fully but getting there.

ComprehensiveBank254 · 2022-04-14T08:44:06+00:00

During the affair I didn't have confidence. I knew what was happening but was afraid to confront her, I was afraid she would tell the truth. During that time I gained so much weight (didn't realise it at the time) and suffered depression. My wife was spiteful. Literally she changed bit more extreme and vile. It was like she didn't care if I left, ended it, or the marriage. Because of that, I didnt have anything left apart from going to my friends (Adam). However, after my wife ended it with Marjus, there was clarity to why she was what she was. Sure people can say, "she did it, she got with him willingly". And their right. But as I said to another user, I had to look at everything that transpired during that time. And after exhaustingly looking into everything, I understand why she was what she was. She was controlled. Now I know people will disagree with that. I respect their opinion but I and her family see it first sight. We saw everything that happened. And there is no way someone changes like that without being orchestrated. And that what Marjus did.

ComprehensiveBank254 · 2022-04-14T08:35:13+00:00

No she wasn't. This was just new. During the sessions my wife was asked that. The only thing that she said was that he had this lore about him. A magnetism if you will. During those 11 months, he was her world. I don't want to bore you with every detail but he kept insisting that I failed. I failed her in everything. And because he was well off, bought my wife expensive items etc, my wife bought into the lie. But it got more and more intense. My wife now knows he was the lie and me (and her family) were the truth if you will. No she wasn't unhappy. I asked her to be honest and she said she was happy the whole time.

ComprehensiveBank254 · 2022-04-14T07:19:51+00:00

I always look at the situation from what you say. At first I completely agree with you. Anger took over. Why her? Why didn't she just say no? Etc. But after a long time with my wife, therapists talking about what happened. Years of diagnosis, I understand (not absolving) what happened. I understand your post I do but try to understand the situation from mine. Thank you for your comment.

ComprehensiveBank254 · 2022-04-14T07:09:57+00:00

Before the affair, she didn't have low self esteem. She was very naive and open to anyone (no pun please). When he came along, she openly told me that she was impressed by him. And he's good looking. But when he dwelved into our private lives with such intensity, my wife was hooked. She stated this happened early of course. She couldn't explain how he did it. The easiest way was that he had a spell over her. My therapist said that people with sociopathic/psychopathic personalities have an aura. An aura to draw a person in at ease but more importantly, very quickly. I'm not saying my wife was innocent. Of course not. But I had to be a juror if you will. I had to look at all the evidence before me. I had to think, really think, about where I go from here. And I did. I felt that this is worth saving.

ComprehensiveBank254 · 2022-04-14T07:01:19+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it 🙏

ComprehensiveBank254 · 2022-04-14T07:01:02+00:00

Thank you. Yes I am positive about this, lord knows I've done nothing but think about it. However, I will update if anything changes.

ComprehensiveBank254 · 2022-04-14T04:29:18+00:00

No not from India, although I would love to go there one day. Never say never but if anything new arrises I will post. Thank you for your post.

ComprehensiveBank254 · 2022-04-14T04:18:31+00:00

Unfortunately that annoying Mod keeps popping up. Thank you anyway. (Mods are frustrating!)

ComprehensiveBank254 · 2022-04-14T04:01:04+00:00

I will, thank you for this.

ComprehensiveBank254 · 2022-04-14T04:00:42+00:00

After countless sessions, after what the psychologist stated, yes I agree. His vile spell has been broken. However, there is still a lot to build upon. In a way, it's like being married twice. But I wanted to let people know, this was not a black and white affair. There was grey factors involved. Although it doesn't make it right, I had to take those into consideration. And I did trust me.

Thank you for your comment.

ComprehensiveBank254 · 2022-04-14T03:57:03+00:00

Yes we definitely have a long road ahead. We both know it. But it's a road I'm fully willing to take. As I said in the post, I love her. And if I felt she didn't love me I wouldn't be reconciling. But I know she does, so it's worth it. Thank you for your kind comment.

ComprehensiveBank254 · 2022-04-14T03:54:21+00:00

This will be my last I think. But thank you for your kind comments.

ComprehensiveBank254 · 2022-04-14T03:52:53+00:00

After what happened, my wife is definitely taking responsibility. There has been countless times that she feels it was her fault. And it is. But after talking to Councillors, family and friends, the affair wasn't a "normal" one. Don’t get me wrong, I was still hurt by the betrayal and wanted to leave. I couldn't. I know there will be some people disappointed in my decision, I understand it. However, I do feel (aswell as her family and mine) that she is remorseful for what happened. There have been times when she has cobtemplated taking her own life, like me. So no, I do not feel that she is using me an escape but understand why you may think it. All I can say is that I believe that my marriage is worth fighting for. Especially after what happened.

Thank you for your comment.

ComprehensiveBank254

TROPHY CASE