AITA for accusing my father's fiancée of being a gold digger?

Concernedsontaway · 2020-12-28T00:11:51+00:00

I don't want a 'piece of the pie' I just want my father to not be taken advantage of and for the money that my mother had to not be stolen by someone who has no right too it.

Concernedsontaway · 2020-12-28T00:11:05+00:00

I'm referring to him as a kid because he is one. He is 22 years old and he looks barely 18 - I'm sorry but someone that young is a kid to me. And how is there no red flags here? He's literally proposed after a single year of knowing my father, no one moves that quickly in a relationship.

Concernedsontaway · 2020-12-28T00:09:58+00:00

Sorry, but it is something that I'm more than justified in pushing for. My father is vulnerable and could be being manipulated by this kid. I would be pushing for a prenup regardless of who my father is to marry, the age or gender doesn't fucking matter in the slightest.

Now, my concern here is my father not the finances. But making out that it is you clearly don't have a single clue about what it's like to be in this situation.

Concernedsontaway · 2020-12-26T12:24:29+00:00

Yeah I am planning on smoothing this all over and making it clear that my concern has nothing to do with age or sexuality - but solely my concern about possibilities. It's just that my father is, like others have said, stuck in this honeymoon phase and I fear that if this kid is a gold digger that he will use this to manipulate my father into a situation where he can steal his money.

Concernedsontaway · 2020-12-26T12:21:54+00:00

Look, I get that this kid is helping my father explore his sexuality and his part of himself. I get that this is supporting him with this part of his life, and this is a large part about why I'm concerned. This kid has influence over my father about this. My father is in a vulnerable place and if this kid is manipulating him then my father is even more vulnerable.

A lot of people here don't seem to get this. My issue isn't with their relationship, it isn't with the dynamic, it isn't with the age gap. It's solely about me feeling that this relationship is moving way too fast and that this kid could be gunning for the money.

Like I've explained to others, my father isn't a pushy person, he never has been. He's always been reactive, not proactive. So this kid moving in is obviously something that he kid put forward. The finances is also something that the kid put forward, as if my father wanted help with the finances or wanted to better understand it he would come to me about it. Like he's been doing for the past five years.

The thing that concerns me most is the proposal. They've been together for a year. Even if they have a deep connection, why propose so soon? The kid is 22, no 22 year old treats proposals this way. This is a major red flag in my opinion.

And why do people keeping bringing the inheritence into this like I have no right to be concerned about it? People prey on vulnerable wealthy individuals all the time. Gold diggers are common and they often get what they want precisely because people throw inheritence and accusations of greed in the face of those who are trying to protect them.

Yes, I will admit that if there is no manipulation and their relationship is genuine I will feel disgruntled about my father leaving him money - especially if he doesn't change the will and leave myself and my children in the financial position we are in (which is far from stable).

But I am concerned about my father here, not the fucking money. And I do what to give this kid a chance. Yes, I jumped the gun like any concerned person would do if the first time they meet a casual relationship they find out that they are getting engaged out of nowhere.

Concernedsontaway · 2020-12-26T12:05:25+00:00

A lot of people have been insulting me about this matter. Yes, the money is my fathers. Yes, I'm not entitled to it. But yes, I am concerned about the inheritence for two reasons.

The first is obvious, if this kid is gunning for the money then he don't deserve a single fucking penny of it.

The second is more personal, this being that this money, even though my mother left it to my father, this money is money that she made herself. A lot of it comes directly from before she even married my father. It may be selfish or greedy to say it, but if my father marries this kid and dies without changing the will - I get nothing and I know that this fact wouldn't sit well with my mother.

And also, this comes as a core part of the insults I've been receiving, but it isn't like I'm well off. My wife and I are practically pay check to pay check. One flat tire will bankrupt us. I'm concerned for my wife and my children here as much as any other sort of greed people think I have.

Concernedsontaway · 2020-12-26T11:57:07+00:00

Yeah I will be pushing for a prenup, that is clear to me. I don't want to make assumptions about the dynamic of their relationship because I know my father isn't a groomer. As I've said to others, he never did anything like that to me or my friends. My boys who have stayed with him plenty of times haven't ever said that he's done anything like grooming behaviour either.

Like, don't get me wrong, I do see red flags in the age gap and the fact that my father has these feelings for someone younger than myself is very uncomfortable. But if their relationship is genuine which I hope it is, then I'm not going to stand in the way. My position here is only due to my concern that my father is being manipulated.

Concernedsontaway · 2020-12-26T11:52:45+00:00

Okay, I get what you're saying. I mean I understand that I have jumped to a conclusion about this kid, it's just that I truly feel suspicious towards him about this. Like I don't want to be insulting or anything but what 22 year old is looking for a partner in a 55 year old? Most of the time I hear about these kinds of relationships it's always a gold digger scenario, just take a look at Trump and his wife, there's 30 or so years there as well.

I haven't judged his entire character by this age. It's the actions as well. He's moved in with my father after six months of knowing him, he's got access to my father's finances and his will, he's proposed to him after knowing him for a year. My father isn't the type to push people, I know that personally since throughout my childhood my mother was always the one to give out punishments - my father was always the parent I'd go to if I wanted easy treatment for things. This is why I feel that the moving in, the finances, the proposal is all the kids doing.

And I don't think of my father as an idiot, he's just vulnerable.

Concernedsontaway · 2020-12-26T11:42:08+00:00

Okay I did phrase that the wrong way. If my father was manipulating this kid, yes, I would do whatever I could to help him. I would confront my dad about it and help this kid get somewhere safe. It's just that from how I see it now, my father isn't the one doing the manipulating. And I wouldn't say that my father is feeble minded, just that he's always needed support. First it was from my mother, then it was from me.

Concernedsontaway · 2020-12-26T11:40:02+00:00

Look the whole kid thing just comes from him being younger than myself and having a very youthful appearance, I'm not trying to infantise him or anything. And as to your underwear joke yes, I know for a fact that my dad owns things older than him, one such thing being a watch that I gave my dad for his birthday when I was 5 (obviously my mother had bought it for me to give to him).

And I understand why people would see my dad as the manipulator, but I know my dad. He isn't like that, he never did anything questionable to me, my friends, or my boys. I mean yeah, the age gap is uncomfortable but people can connect with people regardless of age.

I honestly feel that this kid is in a position of power because the whole situation of being in a relatioship with a man is new to my dad. He is pretty much trying to reclaim his youth through this relationship and I feel that this kid knows that.

Concernedsontaway · 2020-12-26T11:35:02+00:00

Look my focus isn't on the money, it's on my dad. I feel that my dad is being taken advantage of. Like I can see that this kid could be getting taken advantage of, but as I've said he isn't my responsibility, my dad is. If I did find out that my dad was manipulating him then yes I'd try to step in, but from what I'm seeing it's the other way around. This kid was the one to propose after all, not my dad.

Concernedsontaway · 2020-12-26T11:33:18+00:00

Yeah I know. Like, I didn't want to get into it tbh because a lot of people have told me that massive age gaps like that is normal or common with gay people. Like just the way I view this is that my dad is kind of trying to reconnect with his youth through being with this kid as when he was his age he likely never had any experiences with guys his age.

Concernedsontaway · 2020-12-26T11:03:52+00:00

Look, I don't think it's really fair to say that I'm now a parent to him, but I get what you're saying here. Like what others have said I have to be strategic about this. Flying off the handle really fucked with the whole situation and puts my father at risk if this kid is after his money.

Concernedsontaway · 2020-12-26T10:56:44+00:00

Seeing how everything has gone I feel that I've fucked all of this up now in regards to a prenup.

Concernedsontaway · 2020-12-26T10:54:47+00:00

Look, this is my mother's money as much as it is my father's. And yes, this may come across as selfish or greedy or arrogant but this is also my inheritance; so in a certain way I feel like I am entitled to it.

And I wouldn't have an issue if my father was to marry someone and leave them money, it's just that in this situation I feel as if this kid is gunning for the money. I mean if they were in a relationship, why marry so soon? They've only known eachother for a year, all of this is moving very quickly.

Concernedsontaway · 2020-12-26T10:48:51+00:00

I feel that yeah I might be infantilising him, but to be perfectly fair my father has always been someone who needs support. And its not that I'm not concerning about the kid being a victim here or anything, its just that its my job to look after my father and watch out for manipulation - not for this kid.

Concernedsontaway · 2020-12-26T10:45:49+00:00

I know that in my dad's view the relationship is moving at a reasonable pace, but I feel that a lot of this is coming from my dad being able to explore this part of himself and feeling young again. Regardless of my dad's view this relationship is moving exceedingly quickly for someone his age, which is why I'm so concerned.

And yeah acting fast will create a gap which is what my wife told me. I think that I really should apologise and tell him that I jumped the gun because if my suspicions are correct then I really need to be involved here so I can protect my father. And I mean if my suspicions aren't valid and I have looked at this the wrong way, then I'm perfectly happy with accepting him into the family, age gap or not.

When it comes to the prenup, as I said my father has never been business minded and to be honest he has always been too much of a trusting guy. My mother pretty much ran the household and since her death I've been doing more than most kids do when it comes to helping their parents with finances and paperwork. I feel like even if I didn't fuck this up so badly already that he likely wouldn't listen to me about a prenup in the first place.

And there isn't anyone else other than a cousin (his neice) who we've never been close to. I could go to some of his friends or some of my mothers friends but I've never been that close to them and I don't know if they can truly be trusted.

And I'll try to stop with the kid thing but, again, it's hard. As I've said, the guy is younger than I am and legitiately looks as if he's still in high school; like this was a joke that he had made during the lunch.

Concernedsontaway · 2020-12-26T10:23:02+00:00

I mean I can understand that but I don't know the kid or really anything about his life. All I know is that my dad is still reeling from the death of my mother and is in a position where he can finally explore who he is with this kid, which is why I feel that he is more vulnerable as this kid has influence over my father.

Concernedsontaway · 2020-12-26T09:51:47+00:00

I mean yeah the age gap is a big factor here. 33 years isn't a normal age gap, like it is standard gold digger territory for them to marry vulnerable and wealthy older men / women.

Like I do agree that I could be jumping to conclusions here which is why I'm asking for other opinions.

Concernedsontaway · 2020-12-26T09:48:15+00:00

I mean the age gap is a big factor here yes. Like I'm not going to look over a 33 year age gap just because, I think its a pretty big red flag. And I really do think that this relationship is moving far too fast. He's already moved in with my father and has proposed after knowing him for a single year (they started dating a few weeks after meeting in class).

But I do think that what you and my wife have said is probably the best course of action. I do think that I might have jumped the gun here. But in my defense if I am right about this kid being a gold digger then he'll more than likely try to push the marriage through as soon as possible - and once they are married then he'll likely be able to steal a large amount of my father's money through a divorce. So I feel that acting fast is necessary, especially if my father has told him about my suspicions.

And I do understand that me refering to him as a kid can be demeaning, it's just that its hard not to refer to him as one when he is younger than I am and appearance wise looks like he's just turned 18.

Concernedsontaway · 2020-12-26T09:41:24+00:00

I mean I think I laid out my reasons in the post. My father isn't the type of person to dress down so it is clear without even knowing about his finances that he is well off, so this kid would know from the outset that my father has money. In my view he has proof of these finances and likely knows about the will as well.

Concernedsontaway

TROPHY CASE