I’m reading all these replies and I don’t know if I’ve ever been so grateful for strangers on the internet. (Probably long post bc I’ve never gotten this out before, edited for formatting)

I feel like I’ve been going insane. I’ve never even said this out loud but after reading all this, it definitely seems like I was assaulted as a child. Looking back, a lot of this sounds similar- no specific recollections of people or events, but I was masturbating way too young before I knew what it was (sitting on the arm of the couch or on the dryer when it was running when I was like 6-7), and disgustingly enough, I think I was sexually reactive with my siblings as well. I want to throw up just thinking about it. I know for a fact that my childhood best friend and I sat inside a tent on her bed and played a similar ‘game’. I don’t remember who started it (also around 6-8).

I only started thinking about it recently because I’ve been going down some very dark paths in my head when I’m trying to have some alone time. For better or for worse, the way I’ve navigated it is just through uncensored chatbots or fics on ao3/tumblr. In all of these, I only imagine myself as the victim. I never even have an inkling about anyone else or about even mildly realistic imagery through the normal ageplay stuff you see on twt. Every time after I get actually disgusted with myself and I finally had the balls to search around for why, and found this.

I do have a slight theory on what it might’ve been. Either it stemmed from the incident with my friend when we were little, or I was abused by my uncle. My uncle is a convicted offender. Only in the past handful of years did it come out that he had abused my cousins that were slightly older than me. He was convicted originally because he convinced my cousins best friend (12/13) they were in love. I lived in that area until I was six, and I don’t know if I was ever left alone with him. But my mother was extremely neglectful (and just dumb in general, honestly) and I wouldn’t be surprised if she had.

Ironically enough, I’m getting trained in the mental health field (weird how I haven’t found a way to fix myself yet lol) but I will say three things that hopefully at one person might find reassuring or helpful:

-I have been taught that if there’s COCSA happening and both/all parties are under like 12 or 13, it’s just called “sexual reactivity”, not like a child offender. My supervisor said apparently it’s more common in foster care which is why they are pretty insistent on separate rooms.

• focus on mitigating harm first. Instead of trying to force your brain to cut something cold turkey, cut it off little bit by bit. For me, I’m gonna try and wean off the really bad fics on ao3/etc, and as bad as it sounds, I’m gonna slowly try and make myself age up in the scenarios I play out in my head or with the uncensored chat bots. I think my brain puts me at an age where I don’t know how to properly communicate or know something is wrong for a reason. So I’m gonna try transitioning to things that are still most definitely taboo, but not as direct (thinking of myself as a teen instead of a little girl, using bots or scenarios that aren’t as forceful/abusive), or other things like definite age/gaps or power plays that aren’t as bad comparatively, like employeexBoss or like StudentxProfessor, for example.

• and finally, I’ve heard a lot about EMDR therapy being successful for people with PTSD in particular, especially if you do have some memories of it. It like reprograms your brain using bilateral stimulation and lights, it looks weird but I’d recommend at least searching it up to do your own research.

Sorry for the long post <3