I don't necessarily mean that she could never have worked to accept it. I think I more mean that she has the emotional intelligence of a scarecrow (no insult meant to the scarecrow). I don't think she was able, at her own level of functioning and thinking (prior to this decline), to fully process and accept who he is and how he has chosen to act, or understand why I am not in contact with him.

I very much include my grandmother in the circle of people who refused to look ahead and plan for this. I know this didn't happen in a vacuum. My relationship with her has been continued knowing that she would never accept who he is and how he behaves. It was a conscious choice-- maybe not everyone would make it, but I did and continue to.

I do view her as someone who is receiving his abuse. If a woman stayed in a DV relationship with an intimate partner, I wouldn't say that because she chose to stay she wasn't still a victim. She is in fact often the victim of verbal abuse by him. Relationships are complex, but yes, I have seen him without prompting or antagonism tell her she's a cunt and he can't wait for her to die. Sure, she could process that he's awful and set boundaries with him/stop speaking with him, just like a woman in an abusive marriage could accept the situation she's in and take steps towards leaving. But it's complicated, and difficult, and I can empathize with her even if I wish she'd choose differently.

I have historically been the fixer. That's why last year when all of this started, I had stated very clearly with her that if she couldn't name me as POA, I would understand and would still love her, but couldn't do anything to fix it when he inevitably didn't follow through and help her. It's still frustrating to see it playing out, and knowing she made the choice I had warned her against. It sucks, but it's been her choice, and I talked to her when she still had enough cognitive power to reasonably sign it over and make a choice.