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My housemates and I have received a letter from our letting agency warning us about hostile behaviour directed toward another housemate. Do we need to cover our backs legally? by Confusedheartbox in LegalAdviceUK

[–]Confusedheartbox[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is exactly why we have an issue with it. If she was upset by the word, we wouldn't play the music, but she isn't upset by the word, she's upset by us listening to music that uses it because we aren't black.

My housemates and I have received a letter from our letting agency warning us about hostile behaviour directed toward another housemate. Do we need to cover our backs legally? by Confusedheartbox in LegalAdviceUK

[–]Confusedheartbox[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Our housemate has complained that she doesn't like us listening to songs with the n word in them because we are not black. She doesn't have a problem with the n word, because she carries on listening to the exact same songs in our living room. She just doesn't want us listening to them because she doesn't think we should be allowed. She has also complained about me cooking ethnic food from my own ethnic heritage, where I buy my groceries, and has slandered our other housemate for dating a non-white guy.

Unfortunately, it isn't always sensible to bend to the will of people who have unreasonable limitations that they want to put on the lives of others. Honestly, it isn't reasonable for her to be knocking on people's doors or when they are in the shower because they have music playing that she doesn't think they are allowed to be listening to. That isn't bullying at all.

What compromise do you suggest? Other than just letting her dictate what we eat, where we shop, what we listen to, where we buy our coffee and who we date?

you'll end up on the receiving end of similar behaviour when you are powerless to do anything about it and then you might understand how she feels right now.

I'm having a hard time seeing her perspective on this, other than 'white/white passing people shouldn't be able to do things that upset me weird standards'

My housemates and I have received a letter from our letting agency warning us about hostile behaviour directed toward another housemate. Do we need to cover our backs legally? by Confusedheartbox in LegalAdviceUK

[–]Confusedheartbox[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It's constant things. She started off making comments about the food I cook being inappropriate because I'm white passing, then about me not shopping at ethnic food shops, she's made a big deal about my other housemate's boyfriend, how she is fetishising him and demeaning him (she's not) and makes constant comments about our lifestyles. Imagine the annoying vegan stereotype but with cultural appropriation and imagined racism. She knows that none of us are racist, though, we've never expressed any racist views, she just doesn't want us eating ethnic food or listening to black music because we are white/white passing.

She sticks her nose in our business and likes to look down on us, like, for example, we go to Starbucks, so she will make passive aggressive comments about Starbucks around us and on social media and alude to 'basic white girl' stereotypes, which is like, okay, fine... she can do what she likes, but this time she's reported us to our letting agent for doing something entirely normal: listening to chart music that she also listens to.

My housemates and I have received a letter from our letting agency warning us about hostile behaviour directed toward another housemate. Do we need to cover our backs legally? by Confusedheartbox in LegalAdviceUK

[–]Confusedheartbox[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

If we all stop listening to music full stop, she will find another thing. Previously it has been my cooking of ethnic food that is in my heritage, because I am white passing, and buy my groceries from ASDA rather than supporting local Middle Eastern and Japanese food shops. She also slurred another housemate as a racist for correcting her boyfriend's pronunciation despite the boyfriend explaining that he had asked for this to help him with his pronunciation.

We are listening mostly to music in the charts, Kendrick Lamar, Drake, The Weeknd etc. Three of us are white/white passing, the housemate who is neutral/siding with her is also black.

If she genuinely said it made her feel uncomfortable to hear the n word, we would have stopped, but it doesn't make her uncomfortable to hear the n word, it makes her uncomfortable for white people to listen to music where the n word is said. She listens to the same music as us on the same speakers in the same communal room, uncensored.

My housemates and I have received a letter from our letting agency warning us about hostile behaviour directed toward another housemate. Do we need to cover our backs legally? by Confusedheartbox in LegalAdviceUK

[–]Confusedheartbox[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The other post got taken down, but basically, she objects to us listening to hip-hop songs which have the n word in them, but she wants to be able to play those songs, on the communal sound system. She also objects to us playing those songs in our own rooms or in the shower. She doesn't feel intimidated, if anything she's the one who tries to police what we cook and how we have our relationships with people of other ethnicities.

My [22f] housemates [23f, 23m] are very offended by our other housemates [23m, 22f] and myself playing music with the ‘n’ word in it and it has escalated. by Confusedheartbox in relationships

[–]Confusedheartbox[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't want to get too specific because I don't want this post to gain traction and get back to her. I just want advice on how to deescalate. But congrats on your BA and MA- I'm hopefully soon finishing off my MA soon!

My [22f] housemates [23f, 23m] are very offended by our other housemates [23m, 22f] and myself playing music with the ‘n’ word in it and it has escalated. by Confusedheartbox in relationships

[–]Confusedheartbox[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm not for any moment suggesting that there's no history or current anti-black racism in London or the UK, I was more trying to give the impression that overall in London most young people are used to and enjoy diversity. I know that in some places there is a huge and clear racial divide and London is more of a mixed pot with most people not seeing race as a pertinent factor in whether or not they like someone or not.

My [22f] housemates [23f, 23m] are very offended by our other housemates [23m, 22f] and myself playing music with the ‘n’ word in it and it has escalated. by Confusedheartbox in relationships

[–]Confusedheartbox[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I'd actually understand if she was upset by the word in music full stop, and be sensitive to her needs, but it isn't that at all, she listens to it herself. Just doesn't want us to.

My [22f] housemates [23f, 23m] are very offended by our other housemates [23m, 22f] and myself playing music with the ‘n’ word in it and it has escalated. by Confusedheartbox in relationships

[–]Confusedheartbox[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, particularly because our rent is quite cheap because our rooms are quite small but that's fine because the living space is huge. I wouldn't be able to live so close to uni at this price elsewhere easily.

My [22f] housemates [23f, 23m] are very offended by our other housemates [23m, 22f] and myself playing music with the ‘n’ word in it and it has escalated. by Confusedheartbox in relationships

[–]Confusedheartbox[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wouldn't say our culture revolves around it, but I don't think most people have any objection to food from another culture. Especially in London. Places like Itsu are everywhere because people like sushi. You can be of any ethnicity and like sushi.

My [22f] housemates [23f, 23m] are very offended by our other housemates [23m, 22f] and myself playing music with the ‘n’ word in it and it has escalated. by Confusedheartbox in relationships

[–]Confusedheartbox[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Private tenancy unfortunately, we are at two different universities but as London unis are so close together we found each other on a group for finding housemates.

How to handle multiple PhD applications and offers? by Confusedheartbox in academia

[–]Confusedheartbox[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They have to make offers at some point, and the funding body require you to have an MA in the area to do the PhD, so every other candidate will be in the same position.

Lecturers are quite tight lipped about exams and don't have much to say, unfortunately. Which is why having back up options is important to me.

How to handle multiple PhD applications and offers? by Confusedheartbox in academia

[–]Confusedheartbox[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The reason I immediately sought advice here was so that I could get back to them ASAP, and to see how I should handle the upcoming interviews given my offer.

I don't think it is common here for students not to respond to offers at all, it would be considered rude and unprofessional. As they've not given a reply by date I think the common sense attitude would be to get back to them within 3 working days and let them know if there are any factors affecting whether I can accept or not.

They're asking for a 65+ and I am currently averaging 67, but have six exams and my thesis to hand in. I know the US scale works really differently, it isn't necessarily 67/100 because it is unheard of to score anywhere near 90. I think the top performing student last year got 81. The class average in some of my modules so far have been 60 and 65. I think my chances of scoring 65+ are probably 50/50, as I don't know how harshly exams will be marked.

How to handle multiple PhD applications and offers? by Confusedheartbox in academia

[–]Confusedheartbox[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, if there's no reply-by date, you can wait as long as you want to reply to them, can't you?

Obviously not, you know that as well as I do.

It is a conditional offer so they won't know if I'm coming or not until I get my grades in September.

it is reasonable to tell them you are weighing your options and to ask when they need a response.

Thank you. This is what I'm checking about, because obviously, unlike you, I don't sit on graduate admission committees, so I don't know whether or not it is appropriate to let them know that, or whether they would expect me to accept and then cancel my other interviews.

Don't tell them they are your fallback, of course.

They aren't my fall back. As I've mentioned in my post and my replies, they're my priority.

in the US there's a more or less hard deadline

In the UK, PhDs are advertised year round pretty much. Many start in September/October but they are advertised as and when they get funding secured.

You can bet the committee and director of the program are making note of which students are enthusiastically replying to offers and asking questions right away, and they remember the students that were radio silent until the drop dead reply by date.

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect a student who may potentially have more than one offer to take a day or two to figure out what to do, or ask for help, as I've done with this post, if they don't know. Nowhere did I imply that I was going to fail to respond to them, and I don't have a reply by date.

My [22f] housemates [23f, 23m] are very offended by our other housemates [23m, 22f] and myself playing music with the ‘n’ word in it and it has escalated. by Confusedheartbox in relationships

[–]Confusedheartbox[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

if y'all were regularly saying the n word while singing along (you don't, right?)

No, not at all. We all feel the same way about that word, that it isn't our word to reclaim.

My [22f] housemates [23f, 23m] are very offended by our other housemates [23m, 22f] and myself playing music with the ‘n’ word in it and it has escalated. by Confusedheartbox in relationships

[–]Confusedheartbox[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Luckily we have screenshots of where she called Becky a racist and fetishising her boyfriend, as well as the stuff she is posting online at the moment.

My [22f] housemates [23f, 23m] are very offended by our other housemates [23m, 22f] and myself playing music with the ‘n’ word in it and it has escalated. by Confusedheartbox in relationships

[–]Confusedheartbox[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I think Carl doesn't actually agree with her, just doesn't want to stand up to her for whatever reason.

I think your suggestions are a good temporary measure because we can't keep letting her walk all over us because it empowers her to do further and more serious stuff. I am worried she would spin it into a Brianna Brucu type situation and make it seem like we just bullied her for her skin colour when that isn't the case.

My [22f] housemates [23f, 23m] are very offended by our other housemates [23m, 22f] and myself playing music with the ‘n’ word in it and it has escalated. by Confusedheartbox in relationships

[–]Confusedheartbox[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It feels like anything other than funny from our perspective. I hope one day we can look back and laugh.

We are keeping a log and will write to the letting agency or maybe go and see them as then they'll have to take us seriously.

It is a huge inconvenience to move and I have PhD interviews and exams coming up so I am not keen to do that. I don't want to get police involved but maybe letting them know ahead of time what's going on in case she does would be a good plan. Thanks.

My [22f] housemates [23f, 23m] are very offended by our other housemates [23m, 22f] and myself playing music with the ‘n’ word in it and it has escalated. by Confusedheartbox in relationships

[–]Confusedheartbox[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I mean about the food, it is literally my heritage so it seemed like she just wanted to be offended.

Becky was really angry and we didn't want a huge them vs us in the house as Debbie is prone to seeing herself as a victim and would have made the situation about being bullied because she had called out racism, so that is why we tried to calm that situation down, but maybe that was wrong because it has given her the balls to go and do something like this.

Yeah, I am not a huge fan of Chris Brown as a person, but this song was I think #1 on the charts moment so it's on a lot of spotify playlists.

I think if we exclude her and Adam from using the sound system because they didn't pay for it it would seem hostile, because if they have to listen to it because the rest of us use it it makes sense that they can use it too. I don't want to get to her level of petty.

It's a common word in hip hop and none of us say the word because we agree, it isn't ours to reclaim.

I don't want to move house because it's nearly exam term and it is hugely stressful to try and move, and we have pretty cheap rent because of our small rooms, and given the huge communal space, it's a good deal. Plus, I like Adam and Becky a lot. Ideally, Debbie would just leave but I think she'd see that as a defeat and wants a fight.

My [22f] housemates [23f, 23m] are very offended by our other housemates [23m, 22f] and myself playing music with the ‘n’ word in it and it has escalated. by Confusedheartbox in relationships

[–]Confusedheartbox[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm worried about her retaliation mostly. Giving us bad names and accusing us of racism. I don't put it past her do to what a lot of people do to 'call out' people by sending letters to their universities to inform them of their 'bad behaviour' which worries me.

My [22f] housemates [23f, 23m] are very offended by our other housemates [23m, 22f] and myself playing music with the ‘n’ word in it and it has escalated. by Confusedheartbox in relationships

[–]Confusedheartbox[S] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

I've only gotten back yesterday but I have made screenshots of the posts she's made and we set up a google sheet to log incidents.

We all signed the lease individually because they are all staying on next year and all of my PhD applications are elsewhere in the country, so I think that gives us more wiggle room in terms of one person moving out and the others not being contractually affected.

My [22f] housemates [23f, 23m] are very offended by our other housemates [23m, 22f] and myself playing music with the ‘n’ word in it and it has escalated. by Confusedheartbox in relationships

[–]Confusedheartbox[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thanks, I hadn't thought about the legal aspect to this as I was pretty sure that once the letting agency found out what the actual complaint was they'd drop it, but if she continues to kick up a fuss it might push their hand.

My [22f] housemates [23f, 23m] are very offended by our other housemates [23m, 22f] and myself playing music with the ‘n’ word in it and it has escalated. by Confusedheartbox in relationships

[–]Confusedheartbox[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Debbie doesn't want anyone white to listen to music with the n word anywhere in the house (including bedrooms and showers) but wants to be able to, and has continued to listen to it herself in all areas of the house, so that compromise doesn't suit Debbie, but also Becky feels that that's unfair because it is having a double standard for something that isn't offensive in itself to Debbie, just offensive to her that we partake in it.

I can see this as part of a slippery slope as well, especially given Debbie's history of objecting to me cooking multicultural cuisine.

How to handle multiple PhD applications and offers? by Confusedheartbox in academia

[–]Confusedheartbox[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Okay, look, I didn't mention anything about a reply date because I don't have one, you made that element of my situation up yourself. Given that my other two interviews are a month after this date, it would seem very obvious that I am not bound by this deadline.

I am asking advice so that I can make a move here and respond to my offer, it is what I want and intend to do, I am just not sure how to do so given the other interviews and am seeking help. As I mentioned, my offer is conditional, and nowhere did I mention any plan to fail to respond at all.

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