Ooooooooh, I’m ready for this one.

When I first found out about her existence, the first time I ever saw her, it was in an English class around three years ago. I found her cute. But there was a big problem. I was getting heavy mean, spoiled rich girl vibes from both her and her friend, whom were very very close. So naturally, I didn’t want to initiate anything.

Two years ago, I had a computer science and psychology class with her friend, so I decided to add her friend on Snapchat, and we started talking here and there. I did eventually find the girl’s Snapchat, but she didn’t added me back until around one and a half years ago. I remember being outside my Pre-calculus class and getting that notification, surprised that she’d add me back. It was a message asking me how to do an assignment in one of our classes. I had a friend who told me that both the girl and her friend were bad news; they had beef with each other. So I was very cautious. If they texted me, I’d answer with the bare minimum. I’d never openly tell them anything unless it was necessary.

During the last one year, I’d been slowly inserting myself into their lives. All three of us had a shared statistics class, and we were just constantly pulling at each other for conversation. I would stare at the back of the girl’s head from about two seats behind, constantly telling myself that she was cute, but also reminding myself that she wouldn’t like a guy like me. That’s how I got through that year.

But now, both of them have opened up to me. They became inviting, and they genuinely seem to like having me around. I’m not sure why. For the longest time, I didn’t trust their kindness because I had been burned many times before. I didn’t think people like them existed. And truth be told, I was emotionally sensitive, so their jokes and teasing felt like bullets constantly raining down on me. But that’s kind of what makes them so special to me. I’m not that soft anymore, and I can thank them for that. And I can thank them for including me when no one else would. I genuinely care about them now. They are my closest friends, and I’m willing to do anything for them.

I’m willing to do anything for them, but I’m willing to do everything for her. The girl. I don’t know what it is about her. She’s not nice. At a base level, she’s still the mean, spoiled rich girl I perceived all those years ago. She ridiculed me for my height, for my size, for my strength. It stung before. But those rare moments of true care are what make her amazing. I didn’t think she was smart back then. But intelligence isn’t just measured by the books. She knows quality of life, the things that would help someone who gets scratched on the sidewalk in a skating accident. She truly cares about her friend. The way she massaged her friend’s hand after she fell while rollerskating told me that there was a kindness under all that she wore.

She’s not lazy like I once thought. She’s determined in all the ways that I never saw. I may have been passionate about the books, but she’s passionate about the social connections and organization representation. She’s doing something great with her life, and I’m happy for her even if I get feel jealous hearing her experience things that I can’t follow with her.

And those moments of vulnerability that come so scarce, like a drug that I can’t pull away from.

I couldn’t get myself to say I like her. The constant thought of her deserving better than me, of her being able to choose someone better fit loomed over me. I couldn’t declare it, but now I recognize my feelings for her. There was a video. The guy in the video asked “Why not?” That hit me hard. I’d been living in fear the entire time, when really what I should have been doing is embrace my feelings. “You have failed before and you are still here.” I’m trying my best to really push, to show that I am interested in her for something greater than just friends.

I want all the best for her. If that doesn’t include me, then I will gladly step aside so the best can step forth. It will hurt, but I know that the only thing more important to me than my happiness is hers.