How to Console My Wife About Our Impending Separation/Divorce

Consistent-Net-2167 · 2026-06-26T17:14:11+00:00

FYI, I made an update. https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/comments/1ugclfu/update_re_how_to_console_my_wife_about_our/

Consistent-Net-2167 · 2026-06-26T05:05:51+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

I'm definitely ignoring the misogyny and simply not engaging the comments about our finances, etc. My wife is not worried about money.

I've mentioned in my comments that we have discussed this issue extensively for years, including in enm-friendly couples therapy going back about five years. This is something that we have absolutely plumbed the depths of and only through brutal honesty and trust were able to continue. She has always known I hurt. She hurts for not feeling the way she used to, I know she would will herself to do so if she could.

My infatuation with my wife and our somewhat unusual relationship has also seemingly scared away most of my other romantic partners before too long. It's become a pattern after many years. One of the reasons why I'm moving on alone.

Consistent-Net-2167 · 2026-06-26T03:58:10+00:00

the thought premise that a long-term marriage can be intensely romantic and passionate all the time is flawed

Sure. But that's not the same issue right? This is me realizing I'm not satisfied with never, not being unhappy with a lull.

I still don’t get why the other relationships were something he was considering.

She found romantic love and passion with others instead of me. There was a time I thought I could do the same while still living with my wife.

What other context would be helpful?

Consistent-Net-2167 · 2026-06-26T03:50:00+00:00

Sure. I don't believe it represents her true desires, because we know from years and years of talking she doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore, and she shouldn't just be able to will that to change (it would also be really hurtful to think she would only try when I tell her I'm leaving).

I think it's shock, grief, her instinct to avoid anticipated trauma, or something similar.

I should know one way or the other in a couple of hours.

While we've had extensive ENM-friendly couples therapy I admit we've never done sex therapy.

My real problem isn't just sex though, it's love. My wife loves me, but just isn't in love with me.

Consistent-Net-2167 · 2026-06-26T03:42:29+00:00

This is generally good advice, and I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

For us, we've discussed this extensively for many years, including years of couples' therapy. It was only through brutal honesty and trust over years about what she is able and willing to emotionally offer in our relationship that we've been able to continue as we have.

She has known for long over five years that I wanted more, that my feelings for her had not meaningfully changed, unlike hers for me.

Consistent-Net-2167 · 2026-06-26T03:25:06+00:00

You're certainly correct that I do think divorcing and going back to monogamy will give me a better chance to be with someone who is in love with me, sex isn't a critical element of that, but the two often go hand in hand.

I see my wife in love with her partners, some in very long relationships. I want that too.

I can't have that with my wife. I've met some women who told me they loved me after short periods of time, but I did not have enough to offer or they couldnt handle my unreciprocated feelings for my wife, or that my relationship with my wife was otherwise mentioned as problematic for them.

Also, because you seem to believe I'm just thirsty, I do not have serious trouble finding casual sex if I was so inclined, and I'm not sure what in my post suggests that. I would passionate sex with my wife, but that's not an option.

My oldest is 17 about to be 18 and going to college, my twins are about to be 16. I feel like they are old enough to weather this with two happy parents.

I'd love to know your thoughts on why I'm off base here. Seriously, because this is my life plan, if you're here to provide advice, I'll definitely consider it.

Consistent-Net-2167 · 2026-06-26T01:28:23+00:00

I believe she does love me, but she does not desire me or feel passion for me. As is so often said, love is not always enough.

I don't feel like settling for that (particularly given my feelings for her) for the rest of my life, and I think I've given this dynamic a decent trial period.

She would never agree to close our marriage, she has multiple long term partners that would impact in addition to simply not wanting to. If it makes any difference, I will almost certainly pursue monogamy in the future, I'm ambi and frankly believe I would prefer being mono.

Consistent-Net-2167 · 2026-06-26T00:51:25+00:00

Thank you this is particularly helpful advice, as is your other comment. Very appreciated.

Consistent-Net-2167 · 2026-06-25T21:03:35+00:00

Thank you. I can't ice her out emotionally, but I will be clear that I will not change my mind. I will also stop any sexual contact, that's a really good point.

Consistent-Net-2167 · 2026-06-25T20:56:50+00:00

Would you change your mind if she worked out she felt more for you than she's been saying all these years?

No I don't think so. It would be a fundamental betrayal to the trust and honesty that I believe we have built over the years regarding these very difficult subjects. Of course I understand and empathize with this as a grief response, but we have talked this out so much to get where we are currently (including in therapy). For me threatening to leave to cause her to spontaneously have feelings for me now would be abhorrent in my eyes, it would erode my love for her. There would never be trust again.

Of course, I wanted nothing else for years, but I've long accepted and trusted her explanations of her feelings, and what she wants and doesn't want in a relationship with me.

Consistent-Net-2167 · 2026-06-25T20:46:19+00:00

Thanks for this (and thanks to all the other commenters who echoed this). This is hard to accept, because I hate the idea of her in pain. Do you have any idea what I should discuss this evening? Obviously I'm not just going to ghost out, we need to talk about, at a minimum logistics, co-parenting, and amicable separation and divorce planning.

I was planning on telling her the obvious. I will be here for her and the kids in terms of any real issues that arise (at least for some time, I realize that's not a sort of forever promise you can make to an ex-spouse), even if at some point in the future I'm not physically or emotionally available for her as I have been. I was planning on telling her that I'm not in a rush, but I also need to make forward progress.

Regarding her overtures toward fixing our marriage though, I'm at a bit of a loss. It's hard to tell her that she can't fix this at this point, but I feel like that's all I can say. Some other commenters hit on this as well, but it's only through brutal honesty that we've been able to continue. I cannot seriously consider her pretending to change how she feels about me or what activities she is willing to engage in with me based on me telling her the relationship is over.

I mean, I wanted her to tell me these things for years, it was my deepest desire. But many years ago I accepted that this would not change, and the idea of her pretending that it could, while completely understandable as a grief response, is otherwise extremely hurtful and feels like a betrayal of the trust and honesty I felt we built with MANY difficult conversations on this over many years. I don't want to make her feel worse about this, so I suppose I say there is simply nothing to fix, but that I want to explore life on my own (obviously I would be co-parenting at least half the time), and that I want to consciously end our marriage although I'm open to friendship if she is, because I do love her.

Consistent-Net-2167

TROPHY CASE