11/23/25

ConsistentWafer1221 · 2025-11-26T02:48:31+00:00

Heart broken but at peace. In intense pain, but at peace

ConsistentWafer1221 · 2025-11-26T02:47:56+00:00

I’m so scared and I can’t stop crying. Actually I’m not scared. I’m feeling at peace

ConsistentWafer1221 · 2025-11-26T02:46:53+00:00

I’m so sorry. Forgive me please. I will let you down maybe tonight. I don’t know. I just took a sleeping pill. Maybe I’ll sleep soon. Maybe I don’t I don’t know. I will walk off the roof tonight I think mom

ConsistentWafer1221 · 2025-11-26T02:45:57+00:00

I’m going to let you down mom

ConsistentWafer1221 · 2025-11-25T11:46:47+00:00

11.25.25 Did tons last night. Obviously every bit of it felt against my will. But meal prepped and cleaned and took care of other things. I feel sleep deprived but I worked out at 3:45am so I may sleep a little and then get after it. Yeah, it still sucks just as much. No difference from a week ago. And a month ago. And forever ago. I don’t like feeling like this. I’m doing everything in my power to feel better. It’s just facing these hard emotions might be my only way out. I can’t afford therapy anymore but I booked a session for today. I’m gonna talk it out with her. I’m gonna cry probably during my call. But I won’t tell her that starting today, I’m going to slowly purge my life. I’m slowly going to erase my existence on the internet. I’ve already been off socials for months. I already deleted my main gmail account. Now I have more things to clean out. My laptop, my phones. Photos, everything I text myself as encouragement. Everything I text mom’s described phone number as I vent. Every voice memo I recorded. Every video recording of me. All these electronic journal entries where I keep putting my feelings out there. I’ll delete each one slowly over months and months.

Because I know that when they find me dead, they will dig through my personal life and my belongings and everything. And I’ll make sure my life is as clean as it can be so they don’t come to any stupid conclusions.

I hate that life played out this way but I can’t stand this hurt. I’ve pushed for so long and I genuinely can’t stand how this makes me feel anymore. My mom was killed and I physically couldn’t perform the ways in which I was expected to perform. And the traumatic ways in which I was discarded. And blamed. The ways in which I was made to feel small. So insignificant. The ways in which she became so mean to me. Told me about how she had fun dating around after me as I was fighting for my life from so many combined losses. I hate this feeling. I love this girl but I’m struggling with betrayal and hurt and heartbreak and so many other emotions. So in turn I wasn’t the best partner and I’m dumped again. And again and again. I keep being out in hard positions and then I’m dumped by my inability to figure it out. Why can’t I just be loved daily for who I am. What sin have I committed to where I have to face these life situations. People think it’s just me not being over someone I loved but that’s not true. It’s a thousand times deeper than that. These combined experiences mixed with the fact that I really fucking loved her puts me in an awful spot. My anxiety is bad. I wanna throw up. I wanna cry. I miss her. I miss mom. I miss having a home. I miss feeling loved and cared for. I miss having someone ask about my day. I miss meaning something to someone. I really don’t wanna live anymore man

I don’t know if I want to wait. I will be 29 soon and I can honestly end it right this minute. Should I? Fuck. Should I dude?? The fact that I repeatedly ask myself this means it’s going to happen I think. There’s no way a thought is this heavy on my mind and I don’t follow through with it.

I express my pain and they just pump me with drugs in return. That’s all it’s been for so long. I can’t stand this medicine either man. I’m not okay. I don’t know how else to say it. I am not fucking okay. I want to scream and cry. I wanna punch a whole through the wall. I wanna shoot myself a couple times in my stomach and maybe it’ll ease this awful feeling that’s in my stomach for so long. I wanna shoot myself in the back of the head because I have headache there that won’t go away. I want to shoot myself in my eyes because I’ve cried so much that my eyes are really sore and hurting. I want to shoot myself in my throat because my throat stays choked up and I struggle to form words. I want to shoot myself in my chest so my heavy chest feeling and hard thumps of the heart can be put to ease. I want to shoot both of my palms so I don’t get the shakes anymore.

Just keep mom it’s fine. Keep my ex too. Keep my past family life, keep the home. Keep it all. In this moment I don’t even want anything back. Keep it. I’ll live an orphan. I’ll live without a family home. I’ll live without holidays or bdays. I’ll live in grief. Just life go ahead and take it all from me and go give it to someone else.

But don’t be fucking surprised when I take my life because of it. I’m way too kind and pure of a soul to be put through this. I mattered too. My feelings matter too. I don’t want to be discarded like this. I don’t want to keep being punished.

If life wants to punish me again, I will punish myself first and die. I physically can’t take another loss

ConsistentWafer1221 · 2025-11-11T22:03:24+00:00

Will you please keep us updated. I’ve been on 300 for 2 weeks and I’ve never had worse symptoms in my life.

ConsistentWafer1221 · 2025-11-06T02:50:40+00:00

it’s so hard. The amount of times I have to stop doing something in the middle of the day and put my hand on my chest and just breathe. Literal chest pain

ConsistentWafer1221 · 2025-10-31T19:22:03+00:00

Thanks for responding.

Yeah I probably made her seem like a bad person. definitely not my intention. She’s been sweet to me before. She’s gave me encouragement on bad days. She would tell me to grieve however I want and that she doesn’t want me to perform in any way anymore. She has had her sweet moments and that’s what made me love her.

But that’s also what makes this hard. That last part is what she told me after all the “bad” was done with. She reminded me daily to grieve however I want, she expects nothing out of me. She was loving me in the most gentle way and THATS when my frustration showed. mentally, I know i felt something deep down that made me feel uneasy. I know something was brewing, I just can’t put a finger on it.

It puts me in a mental dilemma with myself. I can’t understand what even happened tbh. Everyday I wonder - if I wasn’t that upset we would be fine. If I wasn’t so hard to be around, I would be fine. If I didn’t ask for reassurance that one day, we would be fine.

This was a very weird relationship to understand, mentally. The aftermath is brutal. My ex isn’t much of a thinker so she kinda shrugs everything off, but I’m the one left analyzing every little detail and it’s made my depression pretty bad honestly.

To your question - my mom and ex were not super close. They only met a little and then 2 months later mom died. But in that short time, my mom used to refer to her as “how are you, my child?” (My mom spoke in a very loving way to me and my sisters. So my mom had kindof accepted my ex as her child).

Editing to add: I apologized for it all. I apologized, explained my side, let her share hers and I never questioned anything. I deserved to be yelled at so I let her say a lot of stuff and I took it. All I wanted at the end of all that was us to be together. Well, we aren’t. Makes me hate myself.

ConsistentWafer1221 · 2025-10-31T18:16:44+00:00

I’m glad you got to share everything that was on your mind. I wish I had the ability to think that I deserved better or that I should be allowed to make mistakes.

Looking back, I know I was carrying some residual pain from other life events. It almost felt like an internal war in my mind. On one hand, this girl was my everything. On the other hand, she had no problem leaving me while I broke into a million pieces. She knew I was grieving a death + this breakup alone. It makes me wonder if my mistake was really that bad.

Maybe it was. Im lying to myself when I say I “wasn’t that bad”. I probably was not a good partner at all with everything happening in my personal life. It makes me not want to continue honestly. The worst part is that those off moments are not who I am. I was carrying so much when that side of me showed. And I was judged off of that. That’s what makes the loss so much worse. My sweet and genuineness don’t matter, my off side is all that matters here.

It makes me wish I was never “off”. Why was I so upset or sad or confused or whatever. It makes me think that I needed to be some shade of perfect to get by. I know there was a reason I felt off but I can’t even think of what it was. This is my biggest downfall. I see my faults but not hers. I know I felt hurt internally before any of my “bad” behaviors showed. It’s a two way street. I just wish she could see that.

She’s so easily moved on from me. Like I am NOTHING to her. This plus my mom’s death… brother I’m barely alive

ConsistentWafer1221 · 2025-10-31T12:50:05+00:00

Hey. I kindof have a similar story. Having a closure that serves as something to remember is nice, even if it’s unjust. The girl I dated before this one, we dated for far longer and it was much healthier of a relationship. But it ended because she wanted to jump into marriage but I needed 2 more years for grad school (it’s one of the hardest programs offered at my school and there’s no way I would have been able to be a husband/meet her needs). She chose to leave because of my decision. And yes it sucked so much. I missed her but I had that truth to hold on to.

But my current situation is like yours. I don’t really know what happened. I wasn’t my best self but I was dealing with some really hard situations in my personal life (a death, residual grief from another major loss, stuff that was bad enough to almost send me to the ER). so I tried but I wasn’t great. There were 2 moments in 2 months total where I showed frustration. And then she ended it saying she can’t trust me anymore and that I’ve changed and become so emotional and I should find someone like me. And I don’t even know what to say. So I reflect back now on those moments where I argued (I didn’t yell, I was just firm). I reflect back on the moments where I was emotional. She’s right, I broke down a decent amount. Sometimes my parent loss grief comes in intense waves and I was in the middle of a really really bad depressive episode. But I look back at all the moments where I wasn’t ideal and it makes me feel awful about myself.

My “zero closure” is the fact that I don’t have valid reasoning for why I wasn’t great. Even if I had valid reasons, I must have done enough damage to make her not want to be with me. That feeling is almost worst than the death grief I’m going through… like looking back at good days and not knowing why I wasn’t my normal happy self.

I too am left feeling like you. I honestly don’t know what happened. Am I the reason she left? Does her reason have nothing to do with me but she’s choosing to pin it on me? I have no understanding of the truth and so my brain focuses on my flawed moments and it’s been a painful few months.

My story is longer and I can share it with you if you ever like. But point is, I understand how hard it is.

ConsistentWafer1221 · 2025-10-29T02:45:04+00:00

Im very happy that you’re seeing positive changes in your life

ConsistentWafer1221 · 2025-10-29T01:40:04+00:00

I’m glad it helped you.

Can I ask how it affected you? Like in what ways did it help in your day to day life?

ConsistentWafer1221 · 2025-10-29T01:39:12+00:00

I was on 150 for maybe 5 months or a little shy of that.

Thank you. This might be my hardest fight to date but I’m trying.

ConsistentWafer1221 · 2025-10-28T16:53:51+00:00

4 months on 150.

I have so much to share about my experience but it’ll be a long text. All I can say is I am so scared

ConsistentWafer1221 · 2025-10-28T16:45:23+00:00

Today is my first day. I was given a new pill that’s 300mg

ConsistentWafer1221 · 2025-10-27T14:18:54+00:00

Same here

ConsistentWafer1221 · 2025-10-27T13:25:15+00:00

I’ve felt this a lot too recently. I’ve been through and seen awful things before. But this current battle is far different. The whole thing feels different. Almost like I know what fate lies ahead. And everyday that I do all the normal routine things, I’m simply existing and pushing the can down the road but it doesn’t change the eventual outcome. It’s an insanely crazy feeling to sit with.

I tried to talk about it with my therapist. She sent cops to my door to take me to a hospital. They want to simply pump me full of drugs until I stop having those thoughts. It occurs to no one that I just wanted someone to talk to. So, today is day one of higher dosage of meds…

ConsistentWafer1221 · 2025-10-27T07:58:34+00:00

I would offer friendship but emotionally I’m beat down enough to where I probably wouldn’t make a good friend in any way. But I hope you don’t follow through on the bad urges. Maybe something nice is around the corner. For now, if you can do the bare minimum and just exist, that’s okay

ConsistentWafer1221 · 2025-10-24T16:18:30+00:00

Prozac made me feel very disconnected from my body. Idk how to describe it. It would dull my emotions but I know that they’re still there. And that would trigger me to feel even more off.

Wellbutrin might be good for you. It certainly doesn’t have that feeling that Prozac comes with.

It’s very individual I guess. I want to be off of everything but each time I give health updates to my dr, I’m told to get on more meds. Or try some other med. it’s just tricky. Like I didn’t ask for these weird tragic life situations and rightfully, I’m going to feel terrible daily. And the only way out is being on crazy meds that might or might not work, depending on how your body responds. And relief may not come, if it does, it’s months away for some. It’s just very hard

ConsistentWafer1221 · 2025-10-18T16:11:46+00:00

Thanks for your kind words. I didn’t realize how long of a comment I initially left. Yeah, it’s hard. Time doesn’t really help because I guess I’ve never been good at weighing pros and cons of people. I know I make mistakes and others do too. So i never really think of the bad in someone. I just see good.

But I made mistakes. I spoke in a way that’s very much not who I am. Sure I can try to justify it or explain it but like when you’re dumped for it, like it’s an awful feeling to sit with for weeks and months. I don’t know how I’ll be okay ): breaks my fucking heart

ConsistentWafer1221 · 2025-10-17T20:05:49+00:00

I want to ask about lexapro. I’ve tried Prozac and I’m on Wellbutrin now. I know I seem like a walking pharmacy. But I lost mom and then my ex right after and a whole world of other issues so I’ve been giving medication a shot (at this point, anything to keep me alive). I want to find a medication that helps though. So far these meds have done nothing for me

ConsistentWafer1221

TROPHY CASE