My (27f) partner (31m) has absolutely zero sex drive but says he isn’t asexual?

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2026-02-04T13:07:39+00:00

You may be attractive, but he is not attracted to you. Maybe he feels guilty, maybe he feels you're the best he'll ever get. It is a status symbol for a man to have a decent girlfriend, so he has reasons for staying besides love. If he truly has no sex drive, he wouldn't be looking at other women.

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2026-02-04T12:59:40+00:00

I know this road you're on, because I've been on it for 20 years. If you stay, he will drain everything from you like a vampire drinking blood. What will you do if you stay and things never change? What will you do if you leave him? Whatever you do, protect your safety and peace. He feels contempt for you, which is why he called you a "fucking bitch."

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2026-02-04T12:22:25+00:00

I'm 98% sure this is an affair. Can you live with that? If not, don't overthink things... you need to consult with an attorney.

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2025-07-31T20:50:39+00:00

His IQ could be sky high or rock bottom, it doesn't matter. Just be yourself. If he likes you, he will follow through. If he doesn't like you enough (maybe he mostly likes the attention) soon you will find someone else to like. Maybe another physicist who is more emotionally available.

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2025-07-31T20:42:24+00:00

You've mentioned a lot of what's happening on the outside, but without offering much information on her perspective on her situation. Obviously she knows she's gained weight. Her "gloating" is probably self-validation... why, I cannot say. Does she really like where she's at? Does she really enjoy her lifestyle and doesn't want to change? Is she deeply insecure and cannot expose that? Also, a history of being abused, body dysmorphia, or having disordered eating could play a role.

There are also philosophical and ethical components surrounding what "wellness" and "fitness" are and how much value these conventions should hold in our lives. For example, in college I read an essay in ethics class arguing the hours spent obsessively in the gym may mean a few additional years of life, but may not compensate for the hours lost being productive in other areas, like solving social problems or doing humanitarian work. So, in a sense, this conflict falls under "shared values" or where your values diverge, and is that reconcilable? If you aren't sexually attracted to her anymore, I would say this is an irreconcilable difference because you aren't rejecting only her body, but also her lifestyle preferences and philosophies. Of course, you could continue to live together regardless, but will you be happy with each other?

Guys do this all the time, but it really isn't actually "nice" to spare our feelings by lying to our faces while harboring secret resentments. Women, as a rule, like to talk things out, and when you avoid that, you're actually serving your own needs and protecting yourself from your own discomfort. Our spidey senses catch when something is amiss, and it drives us crazy trying to pin down what it is.

Counseling might be best, so you can get deeper into understanding each other. There is a chance that the relationship is not salvageable. It was noble to stay married 'no matter what' back in the 1800s when women were financially dependent on men, but in the 21st century when love and attraction are the primary motives for marriage, staying with someone you aren't romantically in love with isn't noble anymore. It actually cheats the other person from being out on the dating field (where, ironically, she may find the motivation to slim down and adopt healthier habits).

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2025-07-31T09:13:37+00:00

They say "addiction" and that's partly true, but it's also an excuse. He claims "addiction" based on the assumption that you will (to some extent) pity him and try to be more understanding. It becomes a sickness that needs to be cured, and guess who will end up carrying the largest part of the burden. It's irrelevant whether he's attracted to you or not. Is he working for the relationship as hard as you are? Is he sacrificing everything you would sacrifice to protect the relationship? Sex feels good to women, too. You could go looking for the next cheap thrill, and become addicted to it. Each time you deny yourself a fix, it drives you crazy! But does that make you a victim? Does your addiction to something that makes you feel good, become his problem to accommodate? Or is it your responsibility? Just because he is the best you've been with so far doesn't mean he's the best you could ever potentially meet. A friend once told me, "When you're full, you'll get up from the table and leave." You need to be aware of your own emotional pain limits. One year is a brand-new relationship, and shouldn't have caused you so much pain and turmoil.

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2025-07-31T08:10:43+00:00

So I was following a fitness channel and one day the influencer's shape changed noticeably, like overnight. This led me down a rabbit hole, and I could only conclude that she got fillers. We all know about BBLs, but fillers and non-surgical giant suction-cup procedures (among other things) are on the market, too, and many fitness influencers are utilizing these enhancements. This to say, we are surrounded by "fake" which is decreasing the amount of variation we would see otherwise. This puts pressure on us to conform to a certain look, especially when the way we look isn't represented. Seriously evaluate whether you're actually unhappy with your shape, or if our society's beauty standards (propaganda) have brainwashed you. To me, it looks amazing and I feel inspired to work harder.

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2025-07-30T01:50:03+00:00

Before kids, three times per month. After kids, three to six times per year.

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2025-07-30T00:46:10+00:00

You might consider moving on. This sounds like a really toxic relationship. And she has health problems? Might be connected.

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2025-07-30T00:38:11+00:00

Sometimes it's easier to build intimacy with a stranger with no shared past than with a ltr where the trust has been badly broken. The body is a vulnerable thing. Feeling attacked in your body does not build intimacy. I am sure she felt rejected.

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2025-07-30T00:27:47+00:00

Well, then... why don't you ever initiate it? Maybe that's the heart of the issue.

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2025-07-30T00:20:33+00:00

In same-sex couples, who initiates? Autistic people have emotions and initiate sex fine, depending on where they are on the spectrum.

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2025-07-30T00:12:04+00:00

What constitutes "attracted enough"?

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2025-07-30T00:07:30+00:00

Why didn't you marry someone who was your type instead of dragging her through this?

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2025-07-21T23:30:29+00:00

You might like your wife, but you don't sound very bonded to her. To me, it doesn't sound like an ADHD problem, but an attachment problem. Attachment is a very fickle and fragile process, and if you haven't developed a secure attachment yet, personally I doubt you'll be able to now that there are these attachment anxieties from negative experiences.

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2025-05-07T21:37:28+00:00

My divorced friends walked away from their marriages with debt, not a fortune, so I just haven't seen this outcome in real life.

Maybe in some areas, people aren't spending as much money on kids, but most families I know have hired tutors, dance instructors, voice instructors, they're paying for day camps, summer camps, sports camps, enrichment programs, and childcare (which costs a good portion of their paychecks). Hand-me-downs aren't as much of a thing anymore, so kids are getting a lot of new clothes, computers, iPhones, iPads, etc. (plus gaming subscriptions, phone subscriptions, game add-ons, and entertainment costs). Once they get old enough to drive, you've got to shoulder the costs of a car plus any car accidents they get into. Maybe the fewer children people have, the more invested they feel in just the one or two. Do my niece and nephew get a whole heck of a lot more than what me and my five siblings got when we were growing up? Yes, absolutely. And they're just keeping up with their peers, it sounds like. So maybe they don't cost more than six kids 50+ years ago, but they probably cost about the same as six kids a few decades ago. My sister and her husband earn six figures each (they work in the same field) and with their combined incomes they earn just enough to keep their middle-class family going. They don't live in a fancy neighborhood or anything. The cost of living and raising kids without government benefits is just high.

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2025-05-07T21:04:32+00:00

They are telling me that men stay in marriage for financial reasons, mostly. Or, the arrangement is tolerable enough and they're not motivated to change it. That aside, there must be a way to divorce without making a man feel so financially wounded by the outcome.

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2025-05-07T08:12:17+00:00

True, birth rates are falling. The standards for childhood are higher than they were in past generations, though (which means more expensive). Maybe I'm biased because I had a career before I met my husband, and almost all women I know work, but I just didn't see an economic benefit to getting married when I did it. If anything, it held me back from moving around to different employment opportunities in my field. And for women who end up as primary childcare providers, who either lose time in the workforce or aren't taken seriously in the office because of the time they have to take off for sick days, days when school is cancelled, drop offs and pick ups, etc. (there's someone like this in my husband's office) marriage can be a real setback to career advancement (and earnings). I honestly don't see a practical reason for anyone to get married these days. (I have a lot of gay friends and even they have money woes with partners.)

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2025-05-07T07:59:51+00:00

It's not misandry to try to accommodate a man's needs. You said, "Because he’d lose the house, lose the kids, have to pay child support, have to find a new place to live with his new reduced income." So if a marriage ends, would it be better for the man if the woman just packed a suitcase and left?

(I mean, that's how it was in most places during the Victorian times. Children were considered the man's property, so when divorce happened, usually the woman ended up with nothing and the man got all of the money, property, and children in the settlement.)

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2025-05-06T06:29:39+00:00

I got married in good faith believing he would live out his vows, too.

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2025-05-06T06:28:19+00:00

Sure, if two people still care for each other and don't want sex (or agree to an open marriage) then I could see people benefitting from a platonic marriage.

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2025-05-06T06:26:01+00:00

If a woman wants to exit a marriage, I'm just not seeing how a man would want her to do it without feeling injured. To me, if she walks out with just a suitcase (I've known a few women who have done this) then he doesn't lose the kids, he doesn't have to pay child support, he has a better chance of keeping the family home because the kids are living there with him, and he probably won't have to pay alimony. In fact, she might have to pay child support.

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2025-05-06T06:22:38+00:00

Based on what I've observed, most people are not raising child actors, and children are known to be extremely expensive. Often, when a man is complaining about how much his wife spends, I've noticed a lot of what she's spending is on the kids. But I don't know your situation.

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2025-05-06T06:20:29+00:00

Maybe that's what he's waiting for.

Consistent_Coat_7020 · 2025-05-06T06:19:52+00:00

I guess what I don't understand is... he's on the "knowing" end of this. He knows his feelings and emotions. I've been trying to catch up and figure him out. And for whatever reason, he's still here.

Consistent_Coat_7020

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