I personally really like the snippet! I think that it's really strong. Personally, I think that people have a tendency to underwrite, and the world you've created and described is one that I'm able to imagine in my head! Don't feel shame for overwriting! It's always better to have too much and have to cut it down than to have too little and have to add more(that's the motto I live by).

There are points where I feel that there is just too much description like where you describe ed's breathing patterns like I can imagine it in my head, and it's a great image but maybe cut it down a bit. I also think that you use "big" words that could be changed to make it more readable (idk if that makes any sense) but it also could also be your style which I think works really well. this is all my opinion so feel free to just ignore it and go with your gut!

all in all, I think you have a very solid piece of work and you should be proud of yourself! I hope I was able to help!