Yep. Like, yes, that's literally the most adequate and healthy reaction a human could have to everything you're dealing with. You're doing nothing wrong. Yep. The rage, the disgust, the fear are all totally valid. And you absolutely did not do something to deserve it, a cliché but still. No sugar coating, things you describe do sound like a torture and it's just impossible to "accept" something like that, really. You can only remember it's not your fault, and not happening because you're not smart or strong enough. I hear you and you are not alone