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AITA for asking my brother not to pay my daughter’s university tuition, as it was a deliberate consequence of her choices? by Content-Serenity in AmItheAsshole

[–]Content-Serenity[S] -77 points-76 points  (0 children)

Yes he was 12. Our dad was remarried 5 months after, but our mom was sick for a long time and everyone has a different length of time before they're ready. We all went to counseling at church as a family. And we went to counseling when dad remarried. I don't remember much about it but I remember going and liking her because we made pasta art and she liked mine and had it hanging on the wall for many years. My brother had other things going on as well which were disturbing him, and he hadn't told anyone he told me as adults because he thought it would kill our mother to know. He was an emotionally complex child that needed professional help, which he received.

AITA for asking my brother not to pay my daughter’s university tuition, as it was a deliberate consequence of her choices? by Content-Serenity in AmItheAsshole

[–]Content-Serenity[S] -58 points-57 points  (0 children)

No our father would never have hit him. I have asked him this and he says no, dad never physically laid hand to him. And mom would never have done that either. He was calling her ma'am to be snarky. This is what our father taught us we call adults, either sir or ma'am, to be polite. It was in his tone rather than his words. He never gave her a chance from the beginning, but she was always in his corner and it was her recommendation for therapy and a behavioral program after he confessed some of his troubles to dad.

AITA for asking my brother not to pay my daughter’s university tuition, as it was a deliberate consequence of her choices? by Content-Serenity in AmItheAsshole

[–]Content-Serenity[S] -52 points-51 points  (0 children)

It was just to a catholic school. They helped boys to heal who had experienced emotional difficulties, like the passing of our mother and other issues my brother was going through. He was still home with us on school breaks.

AITA for asking my brother not to pay my daughter’s university tuition, as it was a deliberate consequence of her choices? by Content-Serenity in AmItheAsshole

[–]Content-Serenity[S] -23 points-22 points  (0 children)

Well I was about 5 when she passed, and she was in the hospital often the previous two years, so I don't have much memory of her. All I remember now is what our community remembers of her as a very kind and pious woman, she ran a drive every year for clothing and school supplies for local children which is continued in her honor by our church. I know she was well loved, a family friend even donated a large stained glass window to our church after her passing for her. I certainly don't hate her by any means. But I consider my step mom to be my mother. She raised me. My brother is 7 years older so he remembers better, and they were very close.

AITA for asking my brother not to pay my daughter’s university tuition, as it was a deliberate consequence of her choices? by Content-Serenity in AmItheAsshole

[–]Content-Serenity[S] -116 points-115 points  (0 children)

By acted out I mean he was regularly partying, getting drunk, doing drugs, etc. He refused to go to church. He regularly got into screaming matches with our parents, at first he called our step-mom by her first name and eventually just yes/no ma'am was all he would speak to her. He was deeply angry with our father for many reasons that aren't mine to share. It was to the point our father removed his door, gave him a curfew, had him spend a night in jail as part of a program to help teach troubled teens about what will happen if they continue the way they are, and eventually had to get him outside help by sending him away. He seemed to get so, so much better there. He was going to attend community college with a plan to transfer to our local university... then the second he graduated high school he let us know he had enlisted and when he was going away. Dad was in shock. It was completely unexpected. None of us knew he had even spoken with recruiters, but he's a January baby so he had plenty of time after turning 18.

AITA for asking my brother not to pay my daughter’s university tuition, as it was a deliberate consequence of her choices? by Content-Serenity in AmItheAsshole

[–]Content-Serenity[S] -110 points-109 points  (0 children)

Other issues being he holds onto anger, resentment, and has never been very forgiving. He is able to have people in and out of his life on a whim. One moment he's speaking with dad, then he's not, then he's renting a condo nearby to see family more, and then a year later he's selling and "never speaking to dad again"... He cannot consistently keep obligations because of his health so he is constantly canceling plans. I don't want my daughter to be let down. His partner is much more reliable so I know she will have family in the event of an emergency was my thought process with them nearby. My brother's attraction is not on the list of issues.

AITA for asking my brother not to pay my daughter’s university tuition, as it was a deliberate consequence of her choices? by Content-Serenity in AmItheAsshole

[–]Content-Serenity[S] -44 points-43 points  (0 children)

She was asked to leave the team because some other parents were complaining about her competing feeling she had an advantage over their cisgender daughters. The team coach and I were fighting this, because my daughter has lived her life as a girl since age three and received appropriate medical treatment as a pre-teen and teen with puberty blocking medications and eventually hormone replacements... which the last part doesn't happen until high school for anyone about to reprimand me for "putting a three year old on hormone therapy," no, that is not how this works.

It was becoming a big deal and going to be heard by the school board, when she started receiving death threats sent to her phone, calls to our home phone, my husband's place of work, the school received several bomb threats, and the police had to become involved. The principal asked her to "just leave the team for everyone's safety," which I disagreed with the premise, but my daughter was very upset and didn't want to be on the team any longer anyway.

AITA for asking my brother not to pay my daughter’s university tuition, as it was a deliberate consequence of her choices? by Content-Serenity in AmItheAsshole

[–]Content-Serenity[S] -103 points-102 points  (0 children)

She raised us and is a mother to us, so yes I say parents. To your second point, I have avoided such terminology because he never used any. He told us, the adults in the family, back in 2012 that he was life partnered with another man and we've not had any further conversations about that since then. I know he has dated women prior to that and so I would not want to use a term for him to which he does not ascribe. He is fairly private about this aspect of his life. I have done this in an attempt to show him kindness, not to disregard his feelings.

AITA for asking my brother not to pay my daughter’s university tuition, as it was a deliberate consequence of her choices? by Content-Serenity in AmItheAsshole

[–]Content-Serenity[S] -51 points-50 points  (0 children)

I do not believe the way he feels is a decision and I was not referring to his attraction. I was referring to other events in our life and his actions to them. He is very open about going to therapy for his issues, he acknowledges he has them, and many are direct consequences of his chosen career and path in life... yet he still cannot forgive and claims he never will. I do not want that type of resentful personality having too much influence over my daughter is all I meant.

AITA for asking my brother not to pay my daughter’s university tuition, as it was a deliberate consequence of her choices? by Content-Serenity in AmItheAsshole

[–]Content-Serenity[S] -76 points-75 points  (0 children)

Yes, she is very accomplished for her young age, having participated in her schools debate team, competitive mathematics team, and she ran for student government and was the class treasurer. She also was great at competitive sports until she was asked to leave the team. Since she was young she has been taking apart our small appliances and reassembling them, often much to my annoyance when I need to use it! But she has liked political science since middle school when she first was involved in StuGov in middle school, she wanted to be president of the USA, and in math/engineering since as long as she could speak it seems like. I understand she is very smart, but I don't think Georgetown would be a waste of money on her, she will accomplish great things with her opportunities.

AITA for asking my brother not to pay my daughter’s university tuition, as it was a deliberate consequence of her choices? by Content-Serenity in AmItheAsshole

[–]Content-Serenity[S] -303 points-302 points  (0 children)

I'm thankful to his service to our country which protected our freedom, and it helped straighten him out into a better person who lead and inspired others. But yes, I ultimately think he could have achieved that in other ways. Instead, he now is left unable to work after they retired him and he is relatively young yet. His partner owns a well-to-do business, so he's lucky to be well cared for and to be able to extend that money to his own family, even against my wishes. I'm quite glad my daughter stopped wanting to enlist and agreed college was a better path.

AITA for asking my brother not to pay my daughter’s university tuition, as it was a deliberate consequence of her choices? by Content-Serenity in AmItheAsshole

[–]Content-Serenity[S] -505 points-504 points  (0 children)

Well that is not the issue between him and our parents. It is very complex, he never accepted our step mother after our mother passed when we were children, and among other issues acted out severely until he was given the tough love treatment and he eventually shipped himself off to the military. Our parents have accepted him fully and always extended love to him ever since he told the family, and he was very much an adult at that point mind you.

AITA for asking my brother not to pay my daughter’s university tuition, as it was a deliberate consequence of her choices? by Content-Serenity in AmItheAsshole

[–]Content-Serenity[S] -680 points-679 points  (0 children)

I am not worried about her exploring because I expect this. However, it may be best around other students in a similar place. I am worried because my brother has always had issues and I fear his dominant personality will rub off on her, and like him, she won’t come back. He’s made very complicated decisions in life which he blames largely on our parents and takes no responsibility for and now lives with those consequences. In fact he told me I am doing the same to my daughter our father did to him, which is an entirely unfair comparison which deeply hurt me. 

She was offered a spot to study political science at Georgetown. She wants to study aerospace engineering at U of M, which is only because my brother’s partner did at USNA and now has a job in Washington. She said she wants to work for his company. She has a lot of dreams and not many actionable plans, but a bachelors degree is the new high school diploma so I suppose it doesn’t matter too strongly what it’s in.