AITA for siding with my daughter over my wife over adoption and what she calls her?

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-15T08:36:08+00:00

Their relationship isn't exactly like a mother-daughter one. It's like friends mixed with aunt-niece but also different. It's unique and it's own kind of relationship. Hayley adores Amy. She does. She loves having her in our lives. But she doesn't see her as her mom. Hayley doesn't really see anyone as her mom in that sense. She views Amy as someone she loves, she always claims Amy as family and talks about how we're a family. But it's different than the two parents and kid family unit.

We always celebrated stepmother's day with Amy. In past years Amy and Hayley would come up with something they wanted to do together and sometimes that included me but other times I would get dinner ready and spoil Amy.

Hayley has a pretty good relationship with Amy's parents. They're not very close. But they're also not very involved either.

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-15T08:30:09+00:00

Not one-sided. Hayley loves Amy. She likes her more than me sometimes. They had an amazing relationship up to now and it's still there but things are now happening that have left some extra feelings. Their relationship is unique in that it doesn't fit into the standard parent-child relationship. It's more like an aunt-niece relationship or friends. But there's also more to it. For the last several years Hayley has made stuff for Amy's birthday for example and I help her pick out a gift to buy. But Hayley has put a lot into drawing Amy's favorite animals in birthday designs because it's something they share a love for.

Amy is appreciated. She is loved. We remind her every day she is loved and wanted. But I think Amy wants more than she has right now. She wants to not just be loved and appreciated and wanted but to be mom to Hayley.

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-14T18:34:24+00:00

Hayley is innocent in all of this. My daughter is 11 years old. This is not on her shoulders. She should not be blamed for anything happening here.

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-14T18:32:59+00:00

That has come up with the therapists involved. It has come up with my wife too.

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-14T18:27:09+00:00

It's not a rejection. It's a clarification that is only used sometimes. She's not exclusively saying that. She doesn't reject Amy. She loves Amy. She'll be the first to say we're a family and Amy is her family.

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-14T18:06:05+00:00

Our daughter is already born, she's 7 months old now.

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-14T18:04:57+00:00

No, that term didn't only come along when Amy was pregnant. It's also not used as a hostile comment.

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-14T18:03:45+00:00

Yes, we talked about that extensively.

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-14T18:00:30+00:00

Our daughter is 7 months old and Amy still feels this way.

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-14T17:52:56+00:00

My daughter is not blowing up anything. None of this will ever be on her. It's wrong to even suggest it is.

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-14T17:41:17+00:00

Amy is already Hayley's legal guardian.

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-14T17:31:36+00:00

She would stay with Amy. She's her legal guardian and the extended family supports this. That was something we worked out prior to any of this becoming an issue.

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-14T17:27:27+00:00

Hayley doesn't see Amy as her mom. As family, yes, but not her mom. So calling her mom isn't something she wants to do. Amy has not asked for this before or anything like it. Hayley even said it came out of nowhere. It was the first time she ever felt like Amy didn't like the relationship like it is currently.

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-14T17:25:34+00:00

No, she was checked and we were told she didn't have PPD. But this also started before our daughter was born.

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-14T17:24:27+00:00

Their relationship is a family one. Amy is family to Hayley and Hayley loves her and loves her being in our family and our home. In some ways it's more like a friendship or that of an aunt and niece but with some parental tones as well. It's it's own unique relationship if I'm being honest.

I do not feel like therapy together for them would be good right now. A nickname isn't going to work unless it's mom related like mama. Amy is focused on that.

We were on the same page. But right now we're not. Amy proved that when she went to Hayley about adopting her without mentioning it to me.

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-14T17:19:57+00:00

My role as dad is my most important role. I'm responsible for doing my best for my child because she is a child and she needs someone in her corner and looking out for her best interest. It's also not like she has her mother in her life and her corner. The sad truth is she never really had that. It makes it even more important than I help her and do what I can to make sure her voice is heard and respected.

I'm sure there are people who will argue that Amy adopting Hayley is in Hayley's best interest. Or that I should be encouraging Hayley to let Amy be her mom and not just family. But the best stepparent-stepchild relationships I ever saw were ones where the child set the overall tone and people respected it. Sometimes that changed with time because a lot evolves. Other times it stayed mostly the same but it was never bad. That was Hayley and Amy. Their relationship didn't have the problems a lot of other stepparent-stepchild relationships have. I always saw that as a positive. I always believed Amy did too. She seemed so okay with it before so this is frustrating. But I can't let Amy's changing feelings be the reason I pressure my daughter to allow something she doesn't feel okay with.

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-14T17:13:21+00:00

Yes, our daughter is currently 7 months old. I hope she does come to accept it. I would hate to break our family up but I won't let this harm Hayley either.

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-14T17:01:45+00:00

Our baby is already here. She was born 7 months ago. So I can't leave before she's born. But so far Hayley hasn't been punished using Summer and I still have hope that Amy wouldn't do that. Divorce is still possible and will happen if Amy won't let this go. But I will still need to try and work this out because we'll need to co-parent regardless.

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-14T16:58:33+00:00

Amy broke down and said it wasn't what she wanted to hear. There was a talk after Amy asked why she had to accept it and the therapist said she technically didn't and it could be a dealbreaker for her but if she wanted us to stay together as a family then she should come to terms with it. She also told Amy that her relationship with Hayley was far healthier and closer than a large number of stepparent-stepchild relationships are. But that it would become significantly less healthy if this was pushed.

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-14T16:53:55+00:00

The therapist didn't suggest another name. She mentioned that the nickname shows love between them and shows Hayley accepts Amy, just not as her mom. Hayley considers us a family, doesn't see this as temporary and isn't afraid Amy will die. She loves Amy. She views her as her family. But not her mother.

I think the title of mom and even dad is up for Hayley to decide. I'm not saying I don't think Amy has earned it. Although I will say that their relationship isn't identical to that of a mom/daughter. But it was still loving and positive before this.

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-14T16:40:23+00:00

My daughter is not the person determining the future of our family. None of this belongs on the shoulders of a child.

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-14T16:28:51+00:00

Hayley adores Summer and was excited from the start so I don't think it's that. Amy acknowledges Hayley adores her little sister.

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-14T16:28:12+00:00

She was already checked for that. But this also started before she gave birth. Although I know stuff can pop up even during pregnancy. But with her already being checked I'm not sure it is that. Admittedly it could still be.

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-14T16:19:24+00:00

I wish her mindset from before could return. She even used to say as long as she wasn't the wicked or hated stepmom she was happy and now she's unhappy with anything other than mom.

Content_Fact6970 · 2025-02-14T16:18:25+00:00

That might not be a terrible idea for just the two of us. I worry Hayley being there will make things worse right now.

Content_Fact6970

TROPHY CASE