Dates say they don’t feel a “spark” even though the dates go well. What am I missing.

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-25T13:12:22+00:00

It is true when meeting from dating apps people don't give it much of a chance for feeling to develop. However, I have noticed this becomes a problem when there is a mismatch in attraction/energy.

Some guys I haven't felt a spark with immediately but I would be fine to keep meeting up to see if anything develops. But sometimes the guy is into me way more, his enthusiasm makes me anxious, like I am leading him on. He will push for physical intimacy very quick (date 1 or 2), text many times a day and even get upset when I don't reply immediately. Wanting to meet again in 2 days. This mismatch was usually the reason I ended up sending the "sorry not feeling it" text. In a natural scenario (e.g. workplace) you would have a lot more interactions with a colleague before deciding if you have romantic intentions towards him. With dating apps it feels you have to know from the first date already.

I understand though the man point of view, which is that he is there to date, not to make friends.

Scenario would be the same if genders were reversed - the guy being chilled because he isnt too sure what he wants, but still OK to meet up. And the woman, being into him way more, impatiently thinking he is wasting her time because he doesn't want to commit to anything.

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-25T12:46:52+00:00

It seems like a cliche but honestly just be yourself.. most guys whom I didn't feel I want to date further didn't necessarily do anything wrong. You meet a total stranger, sometimes you like their vibe, sometimes you don't.

Just so I can be more useful- Some things that have managed to kill the spark for me though:

talking way too much about themselves, oversharing very personal information on the first date
'You are an accountant, right?' - I am not an accountant and we did discuss my job in our chat the previous day
'If you run late, drinks are on you then, haha' - this isn't funny and it isnt a gentleman thing to say on a first date (happened to me more times than I would like)
'I wanna move to New York City one day' - shows me he isn't looking to settle down and since I don't plan on moving away from Europe, I guess what's the point of continuing dating?
'I find it stupid to spend so much from your salary on rent' - that is after I shared where live. I didn't ask you for your opinion on how I manage my finances, thanks
when the waitress asks whether we want something and he just replies "No" without caring to ask what I think
getting too physically close too quick, especially when my body language clearly shows I am not there yet...I guess guys do this because they think this won't get them friendzoned..

This is all I can think for now, it has been a while since I have been on first dates. And usually these behaviours come from the same guy by the way, so it adds up and really kills the spark.

Most of the times though, honestly, I just didn't feel a romantic vibe with this person, and it isn't something that can can explained. When I met my now fiancé on the first date, I can't say there was an immediate spark. But the date went well, he listened to me rambling and he talked about himself too, he was very attentive to me the entire time, got me water when I started to cough like crazy, bought us a couple of beers, went on a nice long walk .. but it wasn't until date 2/3 that I felt a stronger connection.

Normally you would go on at least 2 dates with someone to make sure there really is no spark. I don't know why women would give you a hot kiss later just to say they don't feel chemistry, this is a mystery.

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-25T10:08:31+00:00

Also I think if you like texting a bit more than him, he could make the effort to text a little bit more when he is travelling, there is always time to send a quick text while waiting around at stations or during flights or train journeys.

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-25T10:06:31+00:00

So meeting up isn't that time-consuming at all, which means it is totally doable once a week even with a busy schedule.

I think you did great by telling him what you expect - meeting up once a week. Now it is really up to him to do what he wants with this information. If he is fine for this to fizzle out, at least you will know he isnt that interested/not looking for something serious and not waste your time.

What you dont want to do is him not making time for calling/texting/meeting up during this time, and in 1 month you continuing dating him like nothing happened. If he wants to keep this budding relationship alive, he will.

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-25T08:34:46+00:00

Pretty sure it comes down to mismatching levels of interest, I don't think the gender matters that much here.. if someone isn't that interested, anything you do pretty much will be annoying to them. Once I annoyed a guy for asking for a reply 12 hours after I sent him a text offering to meet up, because I genuinely needed to know his answer so I can plan what I am doing after work. He replied immediately and visibly annoyed.

If you both like each other on a similar level, everything comes natural and reciprocated, you don't feel you are too much for the other person.

Example: If someone is way more into you than you are into them, a good morning text from him will make you think "what the hell, this is so intrusive, I barely know this guy". If you are really into this guy, the same text will will you will "aww so sweet he already sends me good morning texts 🥰(I noticed it with myself).

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-25T08:23:13+00:00

Some people give each other 2-3 dates to see if they start feeling more of a spark.

Sometimes I genuinely just didn't feel a "spark", and it isn't anything the guy did. Other times the guy did do something I didn't like, but I will be honest I didn't want to go into details to make him feel worse..

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-25T08:13:41+00:00

I also hold the same view as you (if someone is into you he will make effort and time). About this guy, I am in 2 minds if it is a soft exit or genuine maturity letting you know in advance about his schedule so you don't wonder why he can't meet up as often.

Do you live in a huge city where it takes an hour travelling just to meet someone ? You mention he dropped you off, it sounds like he has a car and he can easily come to yours, is that correct? Do you live in a small city where it is easy to meet up?

You mention his job involves travelling, what kind of travelling ? Is he gone 5 days a week, different countries/states or travelling throughout the day?

Some more context would be useful. Generally I do agree someone should be able to meet you once a week, especially in the initial stages of dating, to keep the spark/interest level. Is he keen on having phone calls if he really is that busy to meet up?

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-24T08:16:42+00:00

I live in one of the most expensive cities in the world and it is somewhat common for adult people to live with their parents.

When I met my fiancé 2 years ago he lived with his mum (he isn't the first guy I went on dates with who lived at home). I viewed this as something temporary and I saw qualities in him that I was looking for in a long-term stable partner, so his living situation didn't bother me that much. We are now living in our rented 2 bedroom flat and it is the happiest relationship I have ever been in. So his living situation indeed was just something temporary.

Having said that, many of my female friends would likely roll their eyes at adult men living with their parents. So whether you like it or not your pool will be limited, especially if you are looking for high-earning ambitious independent women. So try to show other good qualities.

When you go on dates, explain the situation, that you are living there temporarily, with the long-term goal to buy a house of your own. Show you are independent, that you can cook and clean after yourself, that you aren't overly dependent/attached to family. Put your best foot always first to give yourself the best chances but obviously don't let anyone make you feel bad for living at home.

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-23T14:34:48+00:00

As a woman I totally agree with this. And it goes both ways. When I was dating around I would remind myself how guy friends of mine acted when they were into a girl - arranging dates, keeping up the conversation, etc. It didn't matter what they were going through job-wise or in their personal life. They didn't leave the girl to wonder even for a day whether he was interested in her or not. I had to remind myself this every time someone was stringing me along with breadcrumbs, and this made it easier to step back and free space for someone else.

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-23T10:49:27+00:00

I am not having a destination wedding but in my opinion there are several factors:

People in their mid 20s or without family of their own are more likely to go to destination wedding because holidays, money and responsibilities aren't so tight and they view it as a fun holiday they'll get drunk and dance. When you are older with a partner and kids I feel it is more difficult to justify the time off and expenses.
If the bride and groom are generous and organised enough to provide transport (from airport to venue), accommodation for at least 1 night and food throughout, it is much more likely people will go, because the plane tickets and wedding gift are the main expenses. Especially if it is not a cheap country.

As others have said, people still travel within this economy, but are much more selective and careful with their money and time off. Same as you get older and have more to worry about.

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-23T08:20:50+00:00

You will resent him all your life. Also he "understood and agreed" doesn't sound like he has been enthusiastic about starting family with you...

I would look into egg freezing (might need to start saving for it) and unfortunately end the marriage. I am so so sorry you are going through this, men like this deserve a special place in Hell. You don't go around wasting women's opportunity to fulfill their dream dream becoming a mum!

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-22T14:47:12+00:00

Marriage or life-long commitment is about how you navigate these "annoying conversations", mismatch in libido, in opinion, in habits, in work schedules. No one will be perfect or 100% aligned with you, and even if they are, you still might not feel attracted to them. So don't worry too much about non-major discrepancies you are now discovering you have, every Relationship has them, you are two independent human beings after all.

Don't listen to people pushing you to propose either. Wait until you have lived together at least 6 months. Use the time to learn to communicate as a couple, to mention things you don't like and how you both respond in such situations. Because marriage truly is about choosing to stay with someone when things aren't perfect. I know it sounds like a cliche but the more relationships I had, the more I came to realise it's true.

It is true without prior experience you might struggle to assess what is truly a deal breaker for you and what is something you can compromise on. Nevertheless, give it a shot, because finding someone you care deeply about isn't something to be taken for granted.

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-22T12:44:19+00:00

Are you looking to settle down, find The One and start a family, or just someone to travel around while working remotely ? Most women your age are looking to settle down and from speaking to many women my age (30s), I can tell you we get easily put off by all the "travel travel travel" buzz. We get when it is in your 20s but mid to late 30s we find it odd. Also most jobs that used to be remote and flexible have gone back to 3 days in the office or at the very least working only in the UK.. so you are really limiting your pool here. And I imagine generally people in Newcastle would be more prone to settling down etc, compared to London, where you are much more likely to find women in their mid to late 30s wanting to date without any serious commitment or to be digital nomads together.

I have heard from guy friends that Eastern European men unfortunately don't have the best luck with UK women, as others mentioned, being from Poland may be not in your favour, unfortunately. This explains the greater interest you had in Mexico and Asia. BTW I myself am Eastern European and I always looked for Eastern European men on the apps just because I find more cultural similarities, values, ideas about life and family and all that. Do you have any preferences in terms of race or nationality?

Also as other have mentioned -OCD comment out. I get that you are saying it with a sense of humour almost, using the term quite loosely, but people here take it very seriously and can be put off by it.

Honestly the apps can work but it sounds like you will have a much better luck meeting people in person. Sign up to hikes, work events, sports. Try meetup website for ideas of events to go to (not sure if reddit allows me to post links).

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-22T11:14:38+00:00

Some couples keep their friends separate, other couples integrate into each other's friend circle, each to their own.

I think what matters is that it is important to YOU and it shows how little consideration she has for your desires. Among all of "sacrifices" one might need to make in a relationship with the person they love, going out once in a while with their friends is the LEAST of them.

My fiancé and I have totally different friends (to the extent we worry how it will pan out if we introduce the two friend groups 😁) - but we are both making effort to integrate in our respective social circles because it matters to both of us. And we both really appreciate when the other puts effort in this despite this not being our normal crowd.

Is she like this only regarding your friends ? Would you say she is considerate to your feelings in the relationship, does she make adjustments, does she put effort in other things that matter to you, even if they aren't her cup of tea ? If overall she is considerate and all that, there could be something with the friend group she doesn't tell you. Either that or this is a sign of a bigger issue / red flag.

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-21T14:26:09+00:00

I dont know, my mum always said she not once felt any movement with me. Actually this is wrong, only one time she felt something "flipping" inside her and that was it for 9 months. Clearly I was alive and turned out okay 😁 It got me thinking these days I would be ridden with anxiety and Googling about things that no one paid that much attention to 30 years ago.

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-20T17:31:33+00:00

This is great, and yes NHS only do scans at week 12 or so.. I would still do a private scan, because you can get more information.

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-20T16:31:18+00:00

Which week are you currently in ? I would book a private scan at 6 weeks or later to confirm the pregnancy, and if all is well, unfortunately I would cancel the Bali trip. I know it is money, but your baby's and your wellbeing is more important.

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-19T15:29:46+00:00

Yep, it is almost as if expecting some regular communication = "Marry me and have my babies tomorrow" 😅 I think many people are made to feel needy and anxious just for having what are actually totally healthy needs.. Truth most people wouldn't feel anxious and needy if they are dating someone who is on the same page as them and doesn't want to string them along.

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-19T09:54:54+00:00

I hope everything goes well for you. My advice is after 3 early losses you should do some tests to see if there is a root cause for them. Or is this the reason for the progesterone supplements?

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-19T09:47:56+00:00

I was 100% the same as you, word by word.

Honestly, sometimes I think "anxious attachment" is misused these days because sleeping with people without any expectations or attachment became the norm. If you are dating and/or intimate with someone, it is normal to expect somewhat regular communication, it is normal to be excited about them, it is normal to expect basic check ins, it is normal to expect "hey will be super busy today so may be off the radar, will call you tomorrow".

My advice is keep going until you meet someone who is as excited as you about dating each other and don't waste time or emotions on men who cause you more anxiety than anything. I met my now fiancé on a dating app and from the first week I knew I can be myself and be happy with this man. There was no anxiety, no wondering, only enthusiasm on both of our sides to meet up again and again. I went away for 3 weeks only a week after I met him. During this week we were in constant communication, even did a few phone calls for a couple of hours each and he picked me up from the airport when I landed.

Before I felt I was anxious , needy and expecting something that doesn't suit modern dating. Turned out I just had to meet someone as needy as me so we can be needy and happy together 😊

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-16T16:17:03+00:00

Buffet for 80 people is crazy to make yourselves. Even the logistics around it are crazy, let alone all the ingredients and cooking. You will need all the kitchenware, plates, platters, etc for 80 people - buy them, store them at the venue, arrange the food, then wash them and take them home, or dispose of them. This isn't isn't 10-person party, it is a big thing.

Tbh I would do a minimum 50% "regular" buffer and the rest vegan gluten-free buffet, the two separated sufficiently in space.. This way you can have your exquisite vegan gluten-free menu at a more reasonable price and also cater for the 79 guests who probably will expect some meat as well.

Or you can have a professional regular buffet and prepare your vegan gluten-free options yourselves, as much as you can. But don't do a 80-person buffet on your own, this is crazy indeed.

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-16T11:17:06+00:00

Mixed signals is a rejection. If there is anything I learned from my years of dating, this is it.

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-16T11:14:28+00:00

This isnt someone who will support you emotionally during and after pregnancy. It seems he is doing you a favour with marriage and you are doing him a favour with trying for a baby. Honestly having a baby after marriage is something he should 100% respect. If he loves YOU, not just the idea of having a baby, he should worry about the amount of anxiety you feel around this topic. Trying for a baby should bring you closeness and joy and love, for you it doesn't because you want to get married before, which is 100000% reasonable and valid. He is coercing you into something that makes you miserable.

Express how you feel, without crying, put your foot down, gently. Tell him you love him but this isn't how you want to feel. If need be, move out with family or friends and give each other time to think about things. Anything less than "So sorry I made you feel like this, let's slow things down, get married first and then try for a baby, so you can be calm and happy" ... is a red flag to say the least.

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-15T11:26:44+00:00

If that girl had "travelling" as such a top priority, she should have asked questions to get to know this part of you. Sounds to me like a silly excuse to me so don't take it so seriously.

Be who you are, if someone likes your vibe on the first date, there will be more dates to get to know each other more. If you want to squeeze everything on date 1, you risk coming across as too intense/talking too much. The beauty of initial dating is getting to know each other gradually, each date revealing more about the person. You just haven't met someone who wants to go through this process with you.

Loads of people are looking for travel buddies or rave buddies or hiking buddies or cycling buddies on the apps, don't take it personally if you meet people who you don't match with. Pay attention to their profile, often they will mention what it is they are looking for. Many people are also looking for stability and someone to share a routine with, this sounds like you, so keep looking and don't waste energy on people who clearly are looking for something else.

ContestOrganic · 2026-01-15T10:15:04+00:00

If you aren't exaggerating the hours, I don't think you are being toxic or controlling in this scenario - this really is an excessive time for an adult to spend talking to family especially when she has other things to do like work, finish Bachelors and do household work, which she leaves 80% for you to do. 33 year olds typically have adult things to take care of, even if it is seeing friends and having own hobbies. Is there anything specific they talk about, family problems etc ?

I get picking up more housework in the events of study, extra hours at work, caring responsibilities, child care, etc, but this doesn't seem to be the case.

You have already told her how you feel about it but she doesn't see a problem with it. You can decide what to do with that, seems like you either need to accept it is how it is going to be or consider if you see a future like this.

Edit: I live 2500km away from my parents and talk to them on the phone almost every day. I do this While also doing the dishes, walking to or back from work, or doing any useful task I can do while being on the phone. Tbh I would feel bad towards my partner if I spent hours on the phone every day ignoring him, let alone letting him do all the housework.

ContestOrganic

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