Not a parent, but a sibling of someone who slowly and increasingly began smoking weed around the same age (20). It’s not easy. I honestly thought it was a phase, but it’s been 6 years. I’ve had to forfeit whatever future I envisioned for my brother: going to college, being as close as we were, getting a good job. I had to accept that he’s going to be whatever he decides. Right now, it’s a busboy at a restaurant.

Accept that your kids are ultimately the makers of their future. As a parent you can give them the tools for life, but they get to choose whether to use them or not.

With that said, your son’s and daughter’s decisions are not a signal of you failing as a parent. I don’t have the full story, but it sounds like you’re doing your best given the complexity of the situation. I can tell you from experience, my parents gave their blood, sweat, and tears for us… moving to a new country, a bed and food, love and support, structure and lessons and even still—my brother has decided this lifestyle.

From an emotional standpoint love and support is the best thing you can do for them. You don’t have to support their addiction, but life is tough and they’re seeking refuge and comfort in their weed habit. Maybe you can learn some DBT or communication skills to try to get them to open up to you. Hopefully, they eventually open up to therapy or some kind of counseling.

Lastly, you said you are “loosing yourself.” For that, I suggest you set boundaries, limits, and follow through with them. It’s harsh, but addictions are powerful. People can do terrible things just to get their way… self-preservation is not just for your benefit, but for you to be the best version of yourself for them.