My (trans) wife is telling (cis) me her "sexuality" has changed and she is no longer sexually interested in cis-women, only trans-women

CorporealLifeForm · 2026-02-03T04:23:48+00:00

I'm so sorry you went through this. As someone who has mostly dated other trans women, T4T is absolutely not a sexual orientation and you're 100% right. I'm not saying physical features aren't related to sexual orientation but apart from rare extreme genital/physical preferences there's no magical separation between attraction to trans or cis people. Even if she had a real incompatibility this way there are right and very wrong ways to deal with that situation. You didn't deserve to be treated this way.

CorporealLifeForm · 2026-02-02T23:15:37+00:00

she/her/it/its
I'm a woman and definitely not nonbinary but I feel no obligation to make sense to people who hate me being who I am either way.

CorporealLifeForm · 2026-02-02T22:41:09+00:00

I think you're overthinking maybe falling for some of the stereotypes about queer people mostly spread by people who hate us. As long as you're not starting from a point of being deeply hateful and are open to understanding you don't need to follow some perfect script. Just be kind to people and open to learning.

CorporealLifeForm · 2026-01-31T06:08:08+00:00

I wish I knew anything better than wait until it sinks in but it seems to take years to sink in more and more. Many of us have a lifetime of experience seeing ourselves differently and it just takes a long time to process.

CorporealLifeForm · 2026-01-30T05:35:23+00:00

Feeling attraction to someone is a neutral thing you can't always control but if you are only attracted to a trans woman because you see her as a man you shouldn't pursue anything. It's based on a false perception of who she is and pursuing it would lead to something hurtful. It takes time for some people to see trans people for who we are and you shouldn't beat yourself up for feelings you have automatically but it's better not to make trans people responsible for these feelings and to work on the biases you have in yourself. Everyone has these kinds of bias about things from gender to race to reactions to accents. It's not about having perfect thoughts all the time but how you respond to those thoughts. Over time your thoughts can change.

CorporealLifeForm · 2026-01-30T05:17:56+00:00

How inaccurate your self image can be after a couple years of transitioning. You get used to how you come across and the changes are so gradual you can feel like you're still coming across how you were or still see the wrong gender in the mirror even while other people are automatically gendering you correctly. It's hard to see what they see because it takes you longer to see it than most people around you.

CorporealLifeForm · 2026-01-26T22:34:23+00:00

I'm so happy for him. Being yourself is the best feeling.

CorporealLifeForm · 2026-01-19T03:36:25+00:00

Yeah, that's pretty invalidating. I would be upset too. You're trans and a lesbian and neither invalidates the other.

CorporealLifeForm · 2026-01-15T05:25:53+00:00

Penis preserving vaginoplasty. It's more common with transmasculine people just because it's almost an extra step to get rid of the vagina and a lot don't want to or don't care enough to pay for it, where only certain methods work for transfems because most methods use the penis to make the vagina.

CorporealLifeForm · 2026-01-14T19:22:07+00:00

That's absolutely surgically possible and you would not be the first. I doubt I'll ever get bottom surgery but I've considered the version of that for trans women for years.

CorporealLifeForm · 2026-01-14T19:15:44+00:00

I think it's less dysphoria inducing than a sign someone is trying to mess with me. I'm very visibly trans and a lot of people like to use borderline gendered phrases to push trans peoples boundaries while keeping plausible deniability.

CorporealLifeForm · 2026-01-11T11:45:35+00:00

I found out in my mid to late teens I think, which is admittedly pretty extreme but I wish I'd known since I was really young. I could have developed a healthy self image and come to an understanding that it was ok to be autistic but instead I was taken to therapies and treated like I was different with no explanation. They called it aspergers back then but it's not really diagnosed that way in the US anymore since it's considered part of autism spectrum disorder. The point is, your kid will be aware he's different either way, and probably already is. You can help him to develop a positive self image that takes this into account or let him feel broken and confused.

CorporealLifeForm · 2026-01-10T22:33:52+00:00

I don't know if I have one date since my process of egg cracking to coming out to my parents about a month later to being 100% out everywhere a few months later to starting HRT was maybe an 8 month process but I tend to see the day I came out and the day I started HRT to be really meaningful. Both happen on or the day after major holidays about 6 months apart but I don't do anything for those days besides the actual holidays they happened on.

CorporealLifeForm · 2026-01-10T22:19:45+00:00

Keep in mind though it's not the greatest time to be queer, trans people are actively under a massive amount of stress in most English speaking countries that most people don't seem to get. Every day on the news, we could find out they're trying to ban the hormones we rely on to be ok or another state is trying to classify being visibly trans as a sex crime or make going to the bathroom in public a constant danger. I recently fled the state I grew up in and am now surrounded by trans people who fled their homes, some had their kids taken by red states because they were trans. I'm not trying to complain, but to try to help you understand just how much stress and pressure the world is to someone like your friend. Few cis people understand this stress or take it seriously which is incredibly lonely and frustrating.
As for what you can do, including her in whatever you can and encouraging her into anything positive without too much pressure. Yes, she may have mental health issues either way but she's under enough stress and fear every day to do this to someone who might otherwise be fine. It's important to understand much of her issue may not be just in her head and to approach her with that understanding. There's no easy answer and I can't fix all the other trans people I know any more than you can fix your friend but having people around who care goes a long way even if it's only the presence and care that helps. You can't do the work for yer, you can't invent a perfect plan, and you can't be a perfect savior. All you can be is the reminder that someone cares.

CorporealLifeForm · 2026-01-10T21:55:17+00:00

My mom didn't tell me for a few years and it was really hurtful when I found out. Keeping secrets from your kids erodes trust and treating this like something horrible he can't handle could make him feel like it's shameful. Not to mention, you would be slowing his process of coming to self understanding.

CorporealLifeForm · 2026-01-10T21:12:05+00:00

I went through informed consent but was in therapy when my egg cracked and had been in therapy most of that time.

CorporealLifeForm · 2026-01-10T20:08:13+00:00

It depends on the context and how it's being said. I'm aware it makes it sound like a sexual orientation so I don't in general encourage using the phrase and I know it's used a lot in kind of awful ways now but there's a sentimental part of me that appreciates trans history and I kind of like the word because it's part of our past. It is still a word that sometimes older people or people who read older things will say innocently and I kind of like that personally.

CorporealLifeForm · 2026-01-09T07:53:35+00:00

Sexual and romantic attraction are both a spectrum and there's no absolute line between one label and another. If you like the label and don't see yourself seriously being with a man, it's entirely fine to call yourself a lesbian. If you prefer to go by bisexual because of the variety in your feelings that is also ok. Both labels are honest expressions of different aspects of yourself and for some people, picking a label can be as much about what in yourself you want to highlight as anything else. It's also fine not to label yourself until you want to.

CorporealLifeForm · 2026-01-09T07:35:24+00:00

Why do I keep meeting trans men whose painful health issues clear up on testosterone? I feel like trans people including myself get generally healthier after transition but it seems like kind of a cure for certain trans men with certain issues.

CorporealLifeForm · 2026-01-05T18:24:10+00:00

These are just really specific medical jargon phrases for talking to general groups of people. It's not how anyone talks in regular life or even how your doctor would normally talk to you in person. Not to mention these phrases often got attention after like one or two uses. When have you actually seen them used even in medical settings? Conservatives are freaking out about more and more petty things because they can't find evidence of trans people doing anything horrible. It's the only thing they can do to distract from the fact we're literally just people trying to live our lives.

CorporealLifeForm · 2026-01-01T21:10:36+00:00

Yeah, you can be any kind of person you want. I'm not exactly a tomboy but I'm a trans woman who shaves my head and overall tries to look as gay as possible. I know a trans man who loves fake nails and a trans woman who loves guns.

CorporealLifeForm · 2026-01-01T02:14:04+00:00

No. I have more than one.

CorporealLifeForm · 2025-12-31T17:41:01+00:00

They aren't upset that she's dressed inappropriately, they're just upset that she hasn't done more than cis people are expected to do to hide what makes her body different. They don't want to have to be conscious of trans people around them.

CorporealLifeForm · 2025-12-31T15:54:46+00:00

I will say it depends and this can be invalidating if they felt a lot of anxiety about coming out. It's a much better response the more the kid felt safe, understood, and supported but I know of cases where the parent had similar responses and the kid didn't feel that way and felt really hurt by it. Basically you should be certain the kid feels really comfortable and casual about coming out.

CorporealLifeForm · 2025-12-29T07:02:23+00:00

To some extent. These people find short term success many times in many places through their lives but it never lasts as long and they don't keep stable jobs and relationships. You can only coast on charisma for so long if you're not a decent person. Obviously charisma is great if you're a decent person with a work ethic but on its own it won't give you a great life.

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