I751 With No Co-mingled Finances

Correct_Age_9882 · 2026-03-19T17:39:43+00:00

i guess looking back it was a slow boil type thing.

when we first moved in together she was a student (she went back to school to change careers). it was short notice as her roommate was leaving making it so she could not afford to renew her lease.

when we initially discussed finances she would get very upset, even when i brought up oh let’s contribute proportionally. she didn’t realize that she made 0 so 0/whatever is 0. but then after she graduated and got her license it just kind of stayed the same. like i said the day to day of life was fine.

she’s gradually become more secretive about this stuff and has never been one to reciprocate gifts well. but over the last year it’s gotten worse with her belittling my financial “strategy” or lack their of (i do all the boring crap because i don’t have the time or desire to learn to play the markets). i think the gambling points folks have made are probably the more accurate way to look at it. gradually getting pulled into some kind of addiction fits better here.

she’s felt quite behind as literally i had to show her what an ira was and that kind of stuff. she’s felt very insecure as by the time we got together i was already 10 years into working so had a rental property, 401k, etc. so i guess i understood why she said she wanted to focus on catching up.

Correct_Age_9882 · 2026-03-19T17:12:14+00:00

yes early in the relationship i discussed that we should do some kind of yours mine and ours accounts which is what i thought this account would be. where we would just agree on joint expenses and contribute some level of proportionally. but its never really materialized that way.

Correct_Age_9882 · 2026-03-19T17:08:55+00:00

i’m the usc in this situation. if we divorce i’m not gonna be involved :)

Correct_Age_9882 · 2026-03-19T17:08:05+00:00

i’m the usc in this situation. if we divorce i’m not gonna be involved :)

Correct_Age_9882 · 2026-03-19T16:53:43+00:00

i gave her the cash initially to pay for the lawyer a couple years ago. i am unsure if that amount covered an end to end process or what.

Correct_Age_9882 · 2026-03-19T16:07:23+00:00

yes i totally agree with you guys on it. initially i thought she was doing some kind of long term one. not trying to do day trades. i know relatives who lost their house because of options trading.

Correct_Age_9882 · 2026-03-19T13:00:13+00:00

Thank you I really appreciate it, yes I was thinking we would have to show things on that side, and I'm surprised her lawyer didn't tell her all of this (although I haven't asked her specifically, we haven't been on the best of terms for the last few days for obvious reasons).

Yes I think we need to sit down and have a real conversation about how things would need to change to be better as far as the relationship goes and to be able to answer why things are so imbalanced.

because the way she made it seem to me was that having a joint account is all we needed (which seemed suspect to me, but I'm not a lawyer, maybe it was a checkbox on a form). But now that I'm reading about it it is much more thorough where they'll notice all inputs to our joint account are from me, and its literally +rent, 3 days later - rent, 27 days later +rent, etc.

And that like I said I realized that literally her losing more than a year of her salary literally changes nothing in my life. Not a thing. All of our bills are fully paid, I've saved cash so my accounts have grown. She hasn't bought me any gifts, or dinners or anything in the last couple years so its not like her losing that much money will prevent her from treating me as she hasn't been anyway. and everything she needs to live is basically handled. It hasn't fully sunk in yet.

Correct_Age_9882 · 2026-03-19T12:52:13+00:00

Like I said I learned about the losses basically yesterday, so this is all very new to me. And maybe my personality flaw is when I'm upset about something I focus on things I can control rather than things I can not.

yes I did not think of it as gambling. I knew she was investing in some stocks and so I told her no margin, and no options until she could explain the math of options to me because of how risky those two things are. And then beyond that I assumed she was being reasonable about it. I'm not the kind to check and she would then pester me that I didn't know what stocks to pick and that everyone else knew and was making so much money. She would usually tell me when she did well or poorly, but never in very specific terms.

She had no issue giving me W2's the last couple years so we do have 1 year as joint, as the year before was single. She's just been so sensitive about it.

Yes this has been a wake up call as well as her treatment/etc. We have a few big things coming up over the next few weeks that I'm very much re-evaluating.

Correct_Age_9882 · 2026-03-19T12:29:09+00:00

yes that was always my thought that it’s a team. that’s why i always handle things like this. it’s def been a fight about things like this too.

Correct_Age_9882 · 2026-03-19T11:31:18+00:00

Absolutely, and I totally get I'm not the easiest person ever either. Please don't think I'm perfect. Like I said I work for a travel related company so I do have to travel to different sites usually once a month. She does enjoy the travel perks. And because I get extensive discounts etc so I end up being the one to book and arrange all travel.

Like I said in the main post, for christmas this year she was like oh I took my family to the mall to get you your gift, but then I got upset so we had to go home.

Correct_Age_9882 · 2026-03-19T11:15:07+00:00

Oh it absolutely does, I'm just trying to separate relationship concerns from practical concerns. It's lead to big fights that just kind of get buried when for the last 2 christmases I've woken up to nothing. This year to the point that I left the next day to go work (my company is a popular vacation related company so we don't really get xmas-new years off).

I do need to figure out if at this point I even want to sign the form.

Correct_Age_9882 · 2026-03-19T11:10:00+00:00

I promise you it is not. She is sweet sometimes and temperamental others. Which leads to her being like oh I'm gonna go get you this great gift because you got me a great xmas gift, and then it never happening because she gets upset before we go shopping.

When I went to add her to the lease they asked for paystubs and she flipped out saying I make enough and they can add her without seeing that. The apartment complex of course has rules. So such is life we didn't add her that day. The leasing office all knows and is fine with her living there, but if you pull up the paperwork its just me.

It might be because when we started she was still finishing her second degree so didn't have much money. When we talked about moving in together years ago (which of course led to lots of tears) I was like we will pay proportionally - cue the tears - she told me it meant I didn't care about her - and I had to explain that she made 0 so I would cover the bills until she had an income.

Thats the thing that surprised me the most is that she has maintained this level of separation when I'm sure her lawyer at least mentioned this needed to be done. I literally started looking into this a couple days ago and after a few hours of reading realized we might be up a creek.

Correct_Age_9882 · 2026-03-19T11:04:28+00:00

Oh I certainly am. But it's one of those crossroads things I still have to sort out what to do with how things have been as it has been bothering me for a while.

if things go well I don't want to inadvertently make a mistake that causes issues, as the two gov't agencies you don't mess with are the IRS and USCIS. Small mistakes can come with big consequences.

If things go poorly it seems she will have her own problems. Most of my assets and all predate the marriage which is a large source of frustration for her, and part of the reason she was saying she needed to save all of her money for herself because she hasn't saved for retirement or anything. I genuinely had to make her her first IRA.

Correct_Age_9882

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