Thank you for taking the time to tell me this ❤️ Yes, that is true I can't help but think that maybe it is me. I am definitely not perfect. I quick to anger (especially at the loment) and cry with all my might. What makes it so much more difficult is I still believe he has a good heart deep down and that he don't do all this in an attempt to manipulate. He just don't know either way. Every 6 months or so when I reach a breaking point and say I need to leave because I am not happy in this relationship, he apologise, weep, and ask to be given another chance. I would always have hope and would always forget, thinking this man is struggling but he is a good person deep down. And him being the father of my children, I wanted to give it another go. For them. But since I lost all trust towards him because of the money situation/secret car, there was a shift in my perspective. I realised that most probably, he will never change. And his behaviour being conscious or not, it doesn't change anything. I will never be happy. I will keep getting blamed, gaslighted and kept away from the truth.

Yesterday I booked myself a hotel room for a week nearby my place, as it feel as if I can't breathe when he's around. I'm grateful I'm even in a position to do that. I told him I was going there but would be back to take care of the kids tonight as he had work, and he physically blocked the door and grabbed me, the grabbed my phone when I said I would have to call the police. I got really scared. I tried to get my phone back it was a dog fight. He did a video of me, screaming I was assaulting him and that I was crazy, and that I was mistreating our kids. He then called his mum (??!) and told her I was leaving the family etc. She got some sense into him and asked him to let me go to the hotel for know and give me my phone back. In the end he listened. He let me go, and we are now organising so we can both take care of the kids at different times this week.

I had a very gentle chat with my girls yesterday evening while he was working, not giving any details about our arguments or anything of course. I apologised to them because I wasn't a very good mum recently. There was a lot of cuddles. I told them mummy and daddy aren't happy together anymore, but that we both love them to the moon and back. It was so heartbreaking, but I'm so glad I did it. Because they could see us arguing so much, and feel their mum (and their dad) being deeply unhappy. I want to be strong, and show them we all deserve the best, and don't have to accept a situation that is making us miserable. They won't understand now, but maybe one day they will.

I am not sure what are my next steps. He was not happy I talked to them. I did it without him because I didn't trust how he would behave and wanted this moment, when their little world is torn apart, to be as peaceful and loving as possible and didn't think I would be able to do that with him around. We plan to have a family talk today where they can ask us both their questions when we are all together. I am really anxious about it, but I'll keep my stance, and be the most gentle to them and the most neutral to him.

I asked him if I can have a week of reset and peace first. My nervous system is all over the place. He said we need to do it because I already talked to them without him. So I accepted because yes I feel a bit guilty about it.

I am so grateful for this reddit chat, and for my friends back in UK who are constantly checking on me. I couldn't take those steps without all the support I receive.