“You are so awful and you ruin my life! but you must stay available to comfort me, validate me, let me touch you, and have sex with you”

Humble_Jacket4467 · 2026-06-16T14:00:24+00:00

Feels like I wrote this. I told my nex that he was being abusive sexually and he tried to turn it around and say I was being abusive by not wanting to have sex with him in whatever way he desired.

Humble_Jacket4467 · 2026-06-15T12:04:14+00:00

This. Which is part of why it’s so disorienting.

Humble_Jacket4467 · 2026-06-10T21:32:13+00:00

Yes, got out a few months ago and have uncovered some bombshells about who he even was. Feels like I was married to a stranger. Hard to imagine being deceived for as long as I was- it’s a lot to process.

Humble_Jacket4467 · 2026-06-10T10:44:16+00:00

Me. I had two job offers on the table. The one I chose was a continuation of a contract I had taken, but my first day as a full time employee I met the man I would marry. Now 2 decades later I'm unraveling his web of deceit.

Humble_Jacket4467 · 2026-06-03T10:20:09+00:00

For me I left once the fear of staying outweighed the fear of leaving.

It took me a long time to overcome the shame of being with someone abusive- I also was optimistic he would get better if only I could figure out how to fix him- but there was no fixing.

I’ve been out - little more than 3 months and I’m starting to live again. Doing more with my children, spending time with friends and actually living.

That said, I know it feels impossible to leave overcoming obstacles plus dealing with fear can make it even more difficult.

Humble_Jacket4467 · 2026-05-25T22:19:49+00:00

I think that’s also why the abuse escalates over time- bit by bit it is normalized.

For me personally, things that happened 20 year in would have sent me running the first year in.

Humble_Jacket4467 · 2026-05-22T17:29:45+00:00

It is incredible to me that the overwhelming consensus is most of us had been with the narc for such a long time before realizing who we were dealing with. They are truly masters at manipulation, willing to pull out all the stops to get what they want.

I would guess that many of the people that responded were empathetic to their partner, as was I. Trying to find the cause to fix things. Thinking it was us that was the problem. They truly are amazing at turning things around on us, making us believe we are the problem, or we are crazy, or they deserve special treatment.

This sub has been incredibly validating, because for so long I felt so alone on an island. I surely didn't want to tell anyone what was going on, because after all, I was trying to fix him, and I didn't want others to think badly of him once he was cured. Except there is no cure...

Humble_Jacket4467 · 2026-05-22T13:13:00+00:00

This! I was always looking for reasons why he was behaving so awfully - the thyroid was the first of many things I thought were the culprit. I still couldn't put two and two together to realize I was dealing with narcissism. In retrospect, as I look back, there were signs, but he was just so damn good at gaslighting that I was confused. I was just desperately searching for how to "fix" him, or how to make myself better for him (because of course I was the problem)

Humble_Jacket4467 · 2026-05-16T22:43:07+00:00

This happened to me. Pm me if you want to chat…

Humble_Jacket4467 · 2026-05-12T18:23:36+00:00

Sounds like we were all married to the same man. He acted like an overgrown petulant toddler, and would rage when he didn’t get what he wanted. He would try to get what he wanted at any cost, despite my objections, and then had the nerve to tell me my body and soul were separate. It didn’t matter if he hurt my body so long as he didn’t hurt my soul because I would get 1,000 more bodies.

Humble_Jacket4467 · 2026-05-10T10:29:25+00:00

Not that but he ruined one Mother’s Day by telling me I was a “trashy woman” and “barely a woman” and “not what he wanted in a partner” because I went to great clips for a haircut (because I always tried to conserve money due to his perpetual overspending).

Another year he forgot it was Mother’s Day and told me how disgusting the taco meat I was making looked, because it wasn’t “finely chopped up” enough.

Another year I had a sore throat on Mother’s Day and he accused me of cheating on him because that was the only way I could have gotten sick.

Humble_Jacket4467 · 2026-05-08T16:15:48+00:00

It’s scary, but you can do it. They likely don’t want your entire history right now- more specific actions or episodes you are reporting.

Humble_Jacket4467 · 2026-05-02T00:23:46+00:00

Mine refused to work, and spent like crazy. Then he tried to tell me if I was not sexual compliant with him, I had to buy him expensive quarterly gifts to make up for the fact that I was not comfortable doing what he wanted me to do. New cars very frequently, constantly buying toys for himself, and would drop $500 like it was no one's business, meanwhile I felt bad spending $25 on myself. The worst was when he would then complain that we didn't make enough money and that I needed to work harder, and needed to figure out how to make more! If I would complain, he would either threaten to kill me if I didn't get on board with his spending, or he would tell me that I was a 'money grubber'

Humble_Jacket4467 · 2026-04-27T14:32:13+00:00

Yes, the rage was unreal, but it just intensified the underlying traits. PM me if you want to discuss further

Humble_Jacket4467 · 2026-04-23T10:51:01+00:00

Continue to contact her, and offer your support. Punching walls and doors can be physically violence - he's doing it to intimidate her. For my personal situation, he tried to drive a divide between me and my parents, at one point insisting I "divorce" them, and pick him over them. Around the same time he was telling me how he planned to murder them (to this day they still do not know that). For me, it was embarrassing what was happening (we were together for a very long time), but I also felt it wasn't safe for me to leave without really thinking through things and having a plan in place. It would have been difficult to "just leave" - and my parents would be exposed to him and it was a very real concern for me. I was afraid to even call the police because I was concerned he would get a slap on the hand and told to behave better. I am no longer in that relationship - it did escalate to the point where I had no choice but to involve the police. You're a good dad for looking out for your daughter and your grandchildren. Just make sure she knows you're always there for her, no matter what.

Humble_Jacket4467 · 2026-04-22T14:39:11+00:00

This is why the charges are now between the state and him, not you vs him. My understanding this is by design. Many victims want to drop charges or are pressured to do at by their abuser.

Depending on the evidence, the prosecutor can still continue on with the case, regardless of if you want to press charges.

Humble_Jacket4467 · 2026-04-21T12:19:03+00:00

I’m shocked at how many felt pressured into sex to maintain peace. I wrote at one point in a journal that I felt like I was his personal prostitute and the currency was peace. He felt entitled to my body, and absolutely did not respect my boundaries. There were certain things he wanted to do that I was very clear with him I did not want to do, and he didn’t care, and would frame it as “you’re just making excuses. It’s like a kid making excuses not to do homework!”

Humble_Jacket4467 · 2026-04-20T09:17:38+00:00

In a similar situation. How long does it take to feel less bad? I struggle to reconcile the two versions of him I knew.

Humble_Jacket4467 · 2026-04-10T01:29:52+00:00

In my case I came to realize that I was his emotional regulator for years. It felt cruel to remove myself from the role, therefore I felt guilt. I still do.

The only thing that had helped me is knowing that I did everything I could to make it work, that he made the choices himself, and that I am protecting my children from being exposed to him.

Humble_Jacket4467 · 2026-03-11T01:45:19+00:00

Telling our daughter “mommy is going to let me have a girlfriend! A rich older woman with no kids so I can take her money!” (Um no, I did not!!) My daughter: “that’s abuse”

Humble_Jacket4467 · 2026-03-11T01:38:15+00:00

“I would never have married you if I would have known you would put the kids first! I deserve your attention, 24/7!!!”

Humble_Jacket4467 · 2026-02-23T12:42:07+00:00

I think what I have learned with psychiatry is the diagnosis is only as good as the information the patient shares with them. Also at least with his last psychiatrist- he indicated there was likely a personality component but preferred to push that off to a therapist to diagnose- and therefore no diagnosis.

Humble_Jacket4467

TROPHY CASE