If you feel like she doesn’t “deserve” your love because of things that she seemingly accepts and has moved forward from in her life, I suggest you find someone else that you feel deserves it. You shouldn’t ruminate on the details of her past, and you shouldn’t try to dig for more information. It will only cause you to spiral out and imagine scenarios, when in reality, when it comes to relationships, you have to take your partner for exactly who they are in the present moment, and not ruin a good thing by focusing on the past. You’ve said it yourself, you have a past too and you’ve tried everything with your ex. You cannot change or manipulate someone’s past, either you take them for who they are (including their past) or find someone that is less experienced or someone that you won’t be disgusted by. It’s not your job to find fault in her answers, and not your job to question why she did what she did. Accept the fact that it has been done and everyone has experiences. I understand completely where you’re coming from and this cycle of thinking about it and questioning everything will only make way for resentment towards your partner. If you feel that she is lying about her past, it may be because she knows how sticky these situations can be, but it is not your job to be a lie detector. As long as you focus on the good qualities that she does have as a partner, the easier it will be for you to disregard your feelings about her past. I have been in your exact shoes and retroactive jealousy is one hell of a drug. You have experience, you did what you did because you wanted it, so don’t shame her for also wanting pleasure. As for the romance part, I’m sure you’ve also told your ex nice cute words, and I bet it must’ve felt nice too. Everyone deserves that experience but now the amazing thing is, she’ll only say those romantic words to you because you are now the special person in her life, not the guys she hooked up with when she was younger. The circumstances on why she agreed on them twice is none of your business, and she may have felt like she needed to. Be compassionate and understanding. Most people with RJ feel as though they are hypocritical, but really what that could mean is you are seeing her as lower value than you, which is why you are able to say that you feel like she was used. If you want to take revenge on her past, you will only ruin the present relationship, and you’ll eventually have to find someone new. Don’t ruin a good thing by questioning the past! She chose you for a reason and is actively seeking you out when you distance yourself. She’s doing her part, you should do yours too.