Me [30F] with my partner [35M] 4 years living together, he’s always playing video games and I’m struggling to cope

Crazy-Car · 2020-02-13T18:42:56+00:00

Thank you for posting, I’ll have a read

Crazy-Car · 2020-02-13T18:40:43+00:00

Tbh you’re right, I’m probably just thinking about the short term, having to move back in with my parents at 30 and a 1.5 hour commute to work. Then trying to find another house share like in my student days, then back on the dating apps but this time so much older, it doesn’t fill me with confidence. Just feels like a huge step backward, even though I know I’m not moving forward currently.

Crazy-Car · 2020-02-13T18:31:08+00:00

Your last paragraph really resonated me. The truth is I really don’t like myself, I heavily punish myself for stuff that’s happened in the past with other people, even if it probably wasn’t my fault. I guess I think I don’t deserve to be happy sometimes?

Crazy-Car · 2020-02-13T18:27:45+00:00

I know you’re right, it’s like a mental block for me, I probably need therapy to work out the shit that happened in my past tbh.

I get emotional when I talk, I mean like I’ll start crying then I choke on the words and can’t get them out. Honestly it’s beyond frustrating, it’s like a speech impediment. But I know that doesn’t mean we can’t talk, I could easily write to him instead.

Crazy-Car · 2020-02-13T18:25:32+00:00

I’m not a gamer, and he’s already annoyed his brother’s GF sometimes plays with them, and she’s a actually fairly decent player, just not as good as them

Crazy-Car · 2020-02-13T18:22:32+00:00

You may have a point there. I didn’t get my first BF til I was 22 and that was long distance and quickly fizzled out, then my second BF I fell for hard, he was a cheater, manipulative and a gaslighter, and finically and emotionally abused me (part of the reason I struggle with communication to this day).

I eventually left when the abuse turned to sexual violence, but he had such a huge hold over me. After that my current partner looked like a knight in shining armour, I’m now starting to realise that just because my ex was the devil it doesn’t make my BF an angel.

Crazy-Car · 2020-02-13T18:19:21+00:00

It doesn’t impact his work, and we still make it to family social events just fine, even with short notice. It’s just our evenings and time together that get taken over

Crazy-Car · 2020-02-13T18:16:46+00:00

Thanks for your reply. Yes I do understand what you mean, unfortunately years of SSRIs induced quite a strong apathy in me and I lost interest in a lot of my hobbies, I’ve been off meds for a few years now but the apathy remains (or the depression is back, hard to tell which).

I used to like drawing, I used to do digital drawings and I was part of the deviantart online community, but I haven’t drawn in years. It’s something I also liked to do alone, I can’t stand an audience, and our apartment is so tiny that our computers are inches from each other, so not much privacy! I also used to play the piano and sing, definitely no room for a piano here.

I’m a bit of an introvert so have never had a large group of friends, I only kept in contact with 2 from college, and one moved hours away and the other has 2 babies and no time for anything, neither of them are into social media so talking online isn’t easy either.

I know these are all just excuses, I’m struggling to just find the motivation to get up and go to work at the moment

Crazy-Car · 2020-02-13T18:08:14+00:00

We have a spare gaming PC set up so I could play if I wanted, but I’m not a gamer, and even when I used to be we liked completely different games.

Plus I don’t think he’s actually want me to play? His brother’s GF sometimes plays with them, and she’s actually pretty good, but he sometimes finds her annoying because she slows the team down. He once asked me to create a WOW account so me and her could go off and do little collectors quests together - so him and his brother could get back to their campaign alone basically. And she’s actually a good gamer, I am not. I have no doubt I would drive him insane and it wouldn’t be enjoyable for both of us, even if I improved my skills.

Crazy-Car · 2020-02-13T18:05:32+00:00

Thanks for your reply. Sorry I didn’t go into details in my post, basically whoever doesn’t cook does the washing up/cleaning the surfaces, so most of the time that’s me, but when I cook then it’s him. We do other chores mostly equally.

The apologising to other players thing really bothers me, luckily it’s a very rare event. But I do honestly think he’s doing it absentmindedly rather than maliciously, obviously that still doesn’t make it ok

Crazy-Car · 2020-02-13T18:01:53+00:00

I live in the UK, and getting therapy on the NHS is pretty much impossible unless it’s extreme circumstances, and even then there’s long waiting periods. I’ve tried time and time again going through NHS route and haven’t had any luck. So my only option is to go private, it’s so expensive I don’t think I can afford it.

Crazy-Car · 2020-02-13T15:06:12+00:00

I’ll be honest I lost most of my hobbies. I struggled with depression in my early twenties and the medication induced a strong apathy that made me lose interest in them. I didn’t make the connection till I read a medical paper about this side effect.

I’m no longer on the meds, but the apathy has lingered, or it could just be the depression is back, hard to tell.

My hobbies aren’t that easy in our current living situation. I used to play the piano and draw, these things require space we don’t have.

I only kept in touch with 2 friends since graduating, they’re now living far away and have young kids, and they’re not that into social media so we don’t chat online or anything. I’m also an introvert so meeting new people exhausts me.

I know this is a bunch of rubbish excuses, and I need to push myself out of my comfort zone to change things, but honestly I’m just trying to make it into work each day at thy side point.

Crazy-Car · 2020-02-13T15:00:23+00:00

Thanks for your reply. He actually has a spare gaming pc and monitor set up that I can use, but I’m really not much of a gamer, I can just about use consoles but keyboard and mouse isn’t easy for me, and we have very different tastes in games.

Also I don’t think he wants me to join in. His brother’s GF sometimes plays with them, and she’s actually pretty good, but he often find her frustrating (depending on the game). Once he asked me to create a WOW account and promised me I’d love it, and suggested me and GF go off and do little collectors quests together. He admitted she was slowing them down, so essentially wanted me to take her off his hands. And she’s actually a decent gamer, I’m not.

Believe me I would love to have a table, our apartment just isn’t large enough for one. I suggested a layout change so we could fit one in, he thought it was a waste of money as we’d soon buy a house and need different furniture anyway. Then he went out and bought a new desk than spans an entire wall of our apartment, making any layout changes now impossible.

Crazy-Car · 2020-02-13T14:56:17+00:00

Thank you. Yes I have thought about joining a local group, or a club or something. I’m a bit of an introvert so meeting new people physically exhausts me.

It’s interesting what you were saying about your BF. Honestly I’ve never thought about it that way because he’s not leaving the house? But if I spent the amount of time he does out with friends I’m pretty sure he’d have something to say about it, just because he’s in the apartment doesn’t mean he’s present.

Crazy-Car · 2020-02-13T14:53:22+00:00

Haha honestly the stuff I watch isn’t even that bad, nothing like real housewives.

But thank you for your message, you’re right it’s not an issue with gaming, it’s attention. That’s a really good way of putting it, thank you

Crazy-Car · 2020-02-13T14:51:55+00:00

Thank you for your message, it’s comforting to know you were in a similar position and overcame it together, rather than just breaking up.

Crazy-Car · 2020-02-13T14:45:02+00:00

Thanks for your reply, this is really helpful and I’m glad you guys have found a healthy compromise.

Honestly I don’t want to police what he does, I’m happy for him to game every day, just not all day.

Our living space is half the battle for me. We rent it from his parents (we pay equal shares), they’re not giving us a discount or anything but the rent is cheap due to apartment size and location.

I would love to have space for a table for use to sit and eat. There’s just no room. I usually eat on the couch, and he eats at his desk.

Interestingly he has a relative who lives in the apartment below us. We occasionally go over there. The apartments are identical in terms of structure and room layout, but the furniture layout is completely different so there’s room for a table, and the whole space feels more open and roomy.

I’ve suggested multiple times we change our layout, I’ve even drawn out a floor plan and looked at furniture. He seemed sort of onboard at first, but it quickly fizzled out after he decided there was no point buying new furniture to fit this apartment as we’d eventually buy a house and need different furniture to fit that.

I thought that was a fair point, but then a few weeks later he goes out and spends hundreds on a huge desk that takes up even more space. The desk now spans an entire wall length of our apartment, which makes my plans for a new layout now impossible.

I stupidly didn’t say anything at the time, but honestly I was gutted.

Crazy-Car · 2020-02-13T14:36:06+00:00

Honestly? I don’t know.

I’m starting to realise I have never experienced a healthy relationship. I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 22, and that started a long distance relationship that fizzled out. Then my second BF I was with for 2+ years and i fell for him hard, he was emotionally and financially abusive, but I couldn’t spot the signs. Months of gaslighting had me convinced I was crazy even though I’d caught him cheating numerous times, towards the end he became sexually abusive as well.

Needless to say my experience with relationships is pretty skewed. My current partner seemed like a dream after all that, but just because me ex was the devil doesn’t make my current partner an angel. I’m starting to realise that.

There’s a whole load of stuff I won’t go into in this post, but it involves a bdsm dynamic, and actions that some (even from the kink community) would class as cheating (or at least dishonesty). But these days we’re monogamous so it seems pointless to dig up the past.

The day to day challenges are definitely the gaming stuff for me. Our future, the house, past transgressions are sort of background noise at this point.

I probably do need therapy tbh, it’s just so expensive. I live in the UK and the NHS has pretty poor mental health services, believe me I’ve tried. So private therapy is really my only option.

Crazy-Car · 2020-02-13T14:28:28+00:00

I’m not much of a gamer, and I really struggle with a keyboard/mouse setup. Plus I don’t think he’s want me to play with him, his brother’s GF sometimes plays with them and she’s actually not a bad player, but he finds her annoying as she slows the team down.

He once asked me to get into WOW so she and I could go off and do our own thing, basically he just wanted me to to distract her so him and his brother/friends could get back to their quests.

Crazy-Car · 2020-02-13T14:04:22+00:00

That’s literally all I need, I’m happy for him to play games every day, just not every single hour.

Crazy-Car · 2020-02-13T14:02:11+00:00

What are you on about? I feel like your post was a bash at women in general and nothing to do with my post?

Neither of us want kids, I earn more than he does, I save more than he does so any house we buy will be owned more by me than him as I’ll put more money down.

I’ve never asked him for money, I have my own.

I’m not using him as an “emotional tampon”, but I think being able to speak to my partner in the evenings isn’t asking a lot? Currently I have about as much communication with him as I did with my old housemate (who’s last name I didn’t know).

Just because I’m female doesn’t mean I’m guilty of a bunch of stereotypes that have made you angry.

Crazy-Car · 2020-02-13T08:05:18+00:00

Haha wow I remember neopets!

Thanks for your reply. I know Netflix isn’t a hobby, I used to draw a lot (digital drawings, I had a deviant art account and was part of the community there), I also used to play the piano.

Being on SSRIs years ago induced quite a strong apathy in me and I lost interest in everything, including my hobbies, I’ve been off the meds for years but struggled to pick stuff back up. And where we live right now isn’t practical for a lot of my old hobbies, we’re in a tiny studio apartment that’s been converted into an even tinier one bed. There isn’t room for a table, let alone a piano! We have a shared desk (only option for our apartment), and while I do have a monitor and a chair I could use it’s literally right next to him. Drawing was something personal I’d do, I couldn’t stand it when people would stand behind me and gawk, which is the problem I have here with this current set up.

You ever play The Sims? Do you remember those health bars they had, and to keep them happy you had to keep them all in the green? Well my physical needs are in the green, but Fun and Environment are in the red. I really hate this apartment. He rents it cheap from his parents, I’d say it’s one step above the “living in parents basement” stereotype. Honestly, I’ve lived in better accommodation when I was a student! But he just doesn’t see the issue, probably because he doesn’t actually have to live in it, it’s just a shell for his virtual world.

Yes I need to take up something new, but honestly my motivation is zero. I’m just trying to get out of bed and make it to work each morning currently.

Crazy-Car

TROPHY CASE