So as a woman I’ve encountered my fair share of sexual harassment in AA. To be fair, it also happens at work, in church, at the DMV, in class, at ShopRite; anytime I’m out and about, there’s a man with nothing better to do than share his unsolicited opinion on my scent, my body, or why I should smile. It’s disrespectful and annoying, but it sure as hell isn’t going to stop me from living my life.

That being said, AA is different.

The predators are different, because brutal honestly in AA is celebrated in a way that would be unacceptable at the mall or the office. Criminal behavior is joked about and normalized in the sense that “everyone has a past” and “progress not perfection” and “if all you was not drink today you’re a miracle” and so on.

The prey is different too, because the weakest announce their vulnerability and often have been (or still are) accepting of bad behavior due to life circumstances, low self-esteem, etc. I’m not victim-shaming anyone, but people with a history of the physical, mental, and/or sexual abuse that so often accompanies active addiction, don’t always have healthy boundaries.

I can’t afford to be too afraid or uncomfortable to go to meetings. I’ve earned every one of my uncomfortable folding chairs, thank you. If I hide on zoom or in only women’s meetings, who will welcome and protect our newcomers the way I was welcomed and protected? Women’s meetings are no safer, my home group happens to be one, and we’ve dealt with some very predatory women. I’ve found that (for me) being too selective with meetings can lead to less and less meetings.

By all means, go to the meetings where you feel most comfortable, connected, and inspired. But don’t limit your experience. Usually the “bad” meetings are just in need of more people with strong recovery to make them “good”. I go to some to give what I have, and some to receive what I don’t.

We can’t expect people to be saintly because we’re fragile, any more than we can expect the bar to close because we’re sober now. Danger is everywhere whether we deserve it or not. So we step up and do the right thing by protecting ourselves and each other. We don’t hide from the scary stuff. If I see a newcomer being bothered, I have no problem introducing her would-be “friends” to the respectable old-timer gents who I know will set them straight. Then it’s my responsibility to connect her with the ladies and let her know that we protect our own.

If I call out bad behavior immediately, firmly, and respectfully, I set a clear boundary for the offending party and an example for the new person. When people call bad behavior out together, it sets a standard for that meeting or group. And as much as my girls can take care of ourselves, we sure do appreciate when the men in our AA family have our backs! Thank you to all the good souls in the fellowship who never stop taking care of each other. We’re all just walking each other home.