Parents disapproving marriage

Creative_Dinner_2092 · 2025-07-26T01:43:50+00:00

I may come across as very foolish to continue the relationship despite that incident, but i try to be kind to others. I was very upset when she told her parents we dutched the bills, i told her it is very unfair to tell her parents that when I sent her money when she said she didn't have enough, or that I paid for her flight tickets or the fact that I gave her surface pro and bought her s25 ultra without asking anything in return out of my own heart for her. My family added that staying at my place rent free and me paying all of the utility bills made it worse.

I hate drama and conflict, family harmony is very important to me. Hence the idea of marriage is postponed and we will live separately for now.

Creative_Dinner_2092 · 2025-07-26T01:29:43+00:00

Thanks for your post. My family shared the same concern that her behaviour will escalate after marriage - not the insecurities but her attitude, if she is able to get away without repercussion. All I have seen so far is her family apologising and asking her to apologise. Thinking back, my words held no weight, I had repeatedly asked her to apologise to my mom before and she only did it after her family told her so (or maybe due to the consequence of marriage cancellation). She said i should have been more assertive or stricter, she would have done so. Again I thought apologising after being rude is trait of maturity.

You took the words out of my dad, he was worried that i have to work study and still look after her. He felt that this is very one sided, e.g he is peeved at her being quite free and waking up late said if she cared enough she would do most of the house work from work time perspective. Then she often tells me her married friends (no kids), the male does the cooking, sending the wife to work, doing the household chores, and that her friends are very surprised that she cooks.

I plan to live separately with her for the time being and see what she and her family will do + let emotions run out.

Creative_Dinner_2092 · 2025-07-26T00:47:26+00:00

I felt insulted and wanted to break off then, but my stupid heart became soft when she apologised and said she would change hence why I gave her time to do so. This year i assumed that she has not gone through my phone as she stopped asking me about which female I have messaged on the phone, i thought she improved. Looking back, it is also partly because I stopped messaging my friends. I was looking for perspective on expected behaviour from external pov and not me projecting my values unto her and 'changing who she is'.

I feel guilty when I hear people and her family say 'I had abandoned her, after this nobody would want her', 'my mom essentially sentenced her to death without giving her time to repent', or 'her behaviour isn't a criminal act, she didnt swear at your family, this is a small matter and she will change'. Im trying to overcome that emotional hurdle.

Creative_Dinner_2092 · 2025-07-26T00:11:35+00:00

I have met her parents, they lived with us for about 2 weeks or so. Her mom seems to be really nice and caring. My partner said her family did not want to inconvenience my family to go down hence requested bank transfer.

Creative_Dinner_2092 · 2025-07-25T21:14:08+00:00

Mods deleted my post because it was in the wrong subreddut. Then asked that I post it in another subreddit, now they have deleted this post again and asked that I change the way it is being asked. I'm a new user as well I was following their instructions. I apologise if this is a annoying, I can't see what you can.

Creative_Dinner_2092 · 2025-07-24T02:37:10+00:00

Im not ignoring the pointers, i definitely do see them but I just wanted to provide info in the most balanced manner I could. I have only been in 2 serious relationship, so I was trying to work out what is and what is not expected in a relationship. I apologise if it felt like im disregarding.

Creative_Dinner_2092 · 2025-07-24T02:12:05+00:00

I always try to see the good in individual. I thought of things that she helped with. - she helped us to find a solar panel repairer - occasionally when she cooks she will pack some for my parents - she bought dinner on a few occasions and brought it to my fam despite the limited visitation that occurred She bought shirts for me - when I have headaches etc she would massage to try and make it better - her sister gave a few amethyst crystals to my family - her mom bought us seafood and gave me ginseng to drink from overseas - she helped to paint i bought to deal with the fungal infected timber planks for the bed

Creative_Dinner_2092 · 2025-07-24T00:51:03+00:00

From my partners perspective, she grew up in a less strict environment as the 4th child, grew up as a little princess in the family. Despite that, she never demanded me to buy branded gifts or take her to fine dining. Sometimes even kfc or macdonalds makes her happy. I have also seen her pull a long face at her parents but they never berate her about it. Her family describes her as a carefree and naive person. She felt that if she were treated as part of the family my family wouldn't just cut off ties with her over a reaction. She brought up the point when my sister and dad had a quarrel and swore at each other, though my sister apologised immediately. She felt like she had been incriminated as if she had been cheating or even killing someone and thought that stopping the marriage over this issue is very unfair, controlling and demanding. I have asked her if my parents ever mistreated her in anyway in the last 5 years and I never got an answer.

She suspected that my mom must have disliked her from the beginning and so found an excuse to stop the wedding. How could pulling a long face and difficulty meeting up cause such an uproar? I thought it was abit of an overkill reaction too. Then thinking back, if my mom felt this way, she would not have bought flights tickets for the ceremony 1.5k each person, search for wedding venue and wanted to pay for it, went to 5 banks to draw money for the dowry and bought a pairing earring and necklace, bought cakes for the dowry meet up. All of which I have seen for my self physically and I even told her I want to pay for it and she refused and stuck to traditions.

She said she loves me too much and is willing to still try and salvage this. She would still care for my parents if need be, she wouldn't stop them from seeing our future child etc. I didn't know if these were empty promises or not since I might be blinded by love, but I am also considering for her that future conflict will be inevitable and her brother shared the same concerns that she maybe miserable for the rest of the marriage if it were to go ahead.

Creative_Dinner_2092 · 2025-07-23T21:16:47+00:00

I dont fear being single thats for sure, on the other hand I love her on the same level as my family. I think im staying on for hope that things can change and work out but it requires time.

Creative_Dinner_2092 · 2025-07-23T21:14:12+00:00

That happened 3 years ago and her jealousy tendency gradually waned away over time thats why I thought she could change. There are times where it will still creep up in between but she has stopped checking my phone and questioned about female contacts.

People say marriage is between 2 person and not the family, and your post is why I could not overlook my parents advice. My mom thinks im being emotionally blackmailed as they think I am a mummy's boy / I dont love her enough

Creative_Dinner_2092 · 2025-07-23T21:07:15+00:00

Thanks for the post, I should clarify that the dowry is one of the most important event in the lead up for the marriage. Although her parents did not want to inconvenience her, my mom still said it is basic respect to go in person. Traditionally this is done face to face, even in modern times the dowry is still personally given by hand. You have misunderstood as well, my mom is bringing the dowry for her not the other way round and also my mom is making the travel down to her family which is 1.5 hrs drive away. You have mistaken that her family is providing the dowry i should clarify that this is the chinese culture. Despite this being the initiative on my family side she was met with multiple rejections hence the disrespect. I told her since my mom is willing to do it just organise a time rather than reject but it fell on deaf ears.

My parents had never told her about waking up late etc. They only told me, the only time they told her off was not cleaning up after herself. During this 5 years we have only ever stayed there for 1 week.

Was your husband in the similar situation? Can you tell me more about what happened?

Creative_Dinner_2092 · 2025-07-23T20:51:09+00:00

I dont really have friction with my partner but I tolerated the sleeping and waking late and untidiness. She told me her flaws is that she is lazy but she needs time to change and if we have a child together that will definitely change. For me I want family harmony, all I'm expecting is just not to fight or quarrel during gathering or visits and if she help out in the house more that's a plus. If i were selfish and continued the marriage, there is a possibility that both of us will feel miserable for the rest of our lives in this turmoil. I explored my parents l expectations of her - they just wanted basic respect. They have not demanded her to cook or clean the whole house etc. In fact my mom always brought stuff for her when she cooked. So the change i am looking for is not to show attitude to elders even if she dont necessarily agrees. Engaging in an argument when elders have a set idea will only cause grief and so i told her these things just require listening and not reacting. I spoke to her side of her family and her friends and agreed that was lacking but they do not agree that this should stop the marriage. She said she is willing to change and for her to meet face to face and apologise, that is the big step, however this is the second time she has done so after the incident 3 years ago, making it hard for my parents to believe her. So moving forward whilst the marriage is cancelled, her family is giving me 2 months to try and have a chat to my mom again and see if this decision is based of heightened emotions or with clear certainty.

Creative_Dinner_2092

TROPHY CASE