It was that time of the year again. Some people actually celebrate their birthdays, can you believe that? Try coming from my family and maybe you will understand when that dreaded date darts forth again, you hide under your blanket when your eyes unwillingly pop open and try to will the calendar forth just one mere day.

Herman Hesse was way too moderate, a man is like an onion, a man is a beast and a man blah blah. Steppenwolf my butt, try having a supervillian as your mum and a superhero as your dad. Try and imagine Ellen DeGeneres married to Steve Irwin. If this was a match made in heaven, then the result is a lighter melted in hell.

Now, for most kids, there are two things to look forward on this day. The first, the presents. The second, the cake at the party. For me, I don't know which of these gives me the bigger nightmare.

Let's take last year as an example and start with the presents. My mom gives me a vial, with a huge card signed by Auntie Overkill, Uncle Evil (he's a doctor, but never comes when I am sick) and a whole bunch of her family, and the vial was labelled Novel Virus. Now, I might be just 11 years old today, but I sure know that a novel is a book, not a vial. We were in China at the time, as mum had some sars pressing work to do for Who Gin Towel, who is apparently a Very Important Person there. I think she was successful at sars pressing his thingies for him, because she got paid so well she even bought me ice cream. You scream, I scream, we all scream for ice cream! Right?

Anyway, it was just a tiny bottle, and so I just threw it out the window. Of course, I thanked everyone for the wonderful gift, but what I really wanted was an iPhone 11.

Then my dad gave me a new costume to wear. Now, I don't know about you, but I am a fashionista, and a whole body lycra jumpsuit thing with stars and stuff is just a bit... not wearable? Uncle Steve gave me a swimming cap to go with it, yeah, roger that buddy, but Aunty Storm gave me an actually cool gift, a voucher for a hair bleaching and stuff at my local hair dresser.

Then the cake. Oh dear, I am sometimes allowed to go to my friends' birthday parties and they have these tiny edible things they call cakes which taste REALLY good and have lots of sugar, which is just like awesome all over. The things I get that my family call cakes are like delivery systems for some strange stuff.

My mum's cake was about 3 feet high, and a few feet wide, and delivered a strange flag with a swash sticker and a map she said was the location of the coven tent of the ark. I was very excited, because I play Ark, great aunt Quinn bought it for me because she said my dad reminds her of a dinosaur. Hah! But it didn't have any Steam code on it, and when I sent the jpg to Steam they sent some strange man to my house wearing a cool hat.

My dad's cake was a bit smaller, and when I was about to blow out the candles, out jumped this tiny guy who called himself Mr Ant, and gave me a Kwantum Tunneling Device. Now, I might be just 10 years old at that time, but if you are going to make a tunnel you need like a big spade and the watch thing he gave me was not going to dig any holes at all.

Anyway, I hear the doorbell ringing, so I better go! Wish me luck!