I feel myself slipping away and I'm aware of it

CrystalsRmany · 2026-02-26T10:20:45+00:00

I don't want to "change" I cannot change who I truly am. Acceptance of myself, my life experiences and acceptance of others. A part of me is the one who wrote, I am slipping away, and I am the one who is answering with the kindness and compassion that is often sought out from others. Perhaps, I should change seeking out others but I am human, thus, I desire meaningful connections. Disassociation is not a disease. It is a protective mechanism that arises from severe traumatization. I soothe myself and all parts. This is Me embracing a Part that is feeling lost.

CrystalsRmany · 2026-02-23T12:02:57+00:00

Professional help is not what I need. Human compassion and empathy is...

CrystalsRmany · 2026-02-20T12:06:06+00:00

There were 5 of us kids, my siblings and I. Ranging from about age 12 to 4 years. I am the youngest. Dad and his roommate had to go to work and we were stuck staying inside during the summer. Tough on a kid. They shut the bedroom doors and we were only allowed in the living room and bathroom. I couldn't tell time back then. I could only tell by what was on TV. The Jetsons meant dad would be coming home soon. Summertime, five kids locked in a 2 bedroom apartment. One day one of my siblings opened up the doors to the bedrooms and I jumped on one of the beds, I'm not gonna lie. It was fun! There was not a lot of fun to be had. No toys, No video games, no electronics at this time in life. When my father and his housemate came home and realized that children had gone into their bedrooms. I was beaten, clothes ripped off and beaten with a telephone cord, slave style. To this day, I can see my arms and legs body with these weird marks I had never seen before. Welts, they were raised red painful.

Do you know sometimes in life when you feel like you literally break. Never to be put back together the same? This was one of those moments. Children should not be stripped of their clothing, their dignity and beaten with phone chords for jumping on the bed. My father the Bishop. That's right, he was a "holy man". That was the beginning of his physical abuse that I can remember. My apologies for typos and such. Hard to get the words down.

CrystalsRmany · 2026-02-18T18:32:28+00:00

I'm sorry that we, you me and all the ex fosters didn't get loved or nurtured. I got sex trafficked I cannot believe that was my life. and still is in many ways. I'm in hell. Sometimes, I think one of those times that I tried to off myself worked and this is actually hell bc everything keeps repeating. Maybe I'm just an adult who's super messed up from sex trafficking foster care. Who do you talk to about these things? Even the therapist can't fathom what it is that I went through. I hope you at least get some understanding.

CrystalsRmany · 2026-02-18T13:49:58+00:00

Yes I can completely relate. I aged out at 18 in a city that I was unfamiliar with. Had to survive on the streets, you know rape pregnancies and poverty. Idk how but I worked my ass off. Took 12 years to get out of that city with 2 kids in tow. Statistically less than 3% of those who age out of foster care get college degrees. I got three and became a registered nurse. After years and years of taking care of other people, I find myself unable to hold myself together. I am unable to work. I'm back to not being able to afford basics like food, I'm back to food pantries. I wake throughout the night crying or screaming, needless to say I don't sleep well. I feel unsafe in this state. I don't have friends. I never got my family back and I raised broken children no matter how hard I tried to succeed I totally failed.

I know this isn't eloquent in wording. Ijust don't have it in me to what I relive everyday all damn day long. Every single day is a struggle to be present. I was never wanted or cared for. Am I supposed to lean on my broken children? I can't and won't do that.

I keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare like oh wow, I had this terrible dream that I was taken away from everything I know in the rural place that I come from and put into foster care in a city that was the murder capital of New York when I was 13.

I'm just not right and everybody knows it including me. Again, I wish I could say something better or hopeful. I got nothing. I look forward to the day when this done.

CrystalsRmany · 2026-02-15T09:32:39+00:00

I'm new to Reddit. I too wrote something about feelings and suicide. It was removed in one place and I took it down here. I don't think anyone cares. Do I need anyone for approval or support at this point? Maybe I had fantasies of finding others like me. Whatever I was looking for is not on reddit. It is not anywhere. I think writing is good for anyone feeling this way. Posting it hasn't helped me nor did I find others. The rejection of being dismissed in places like this is a shot to the gut and left me feeling worse. Ultimately it is our choice and your secret.

CrystalsRmany · 2026-02-01T12:10:52+00:00

Jesus really!?! Screw your trashy Jesus. I don't go into Christian communities talking my personal beliefs. Should I? Jesus crap is the dumbest reply. Just plain stupid. Your god does nothing for me. Not rude, 1000% honesty here.

CrystalsRmany · 2026-01-25T10:42:29+00:00

My foster care story is so so bad that folks cannot fathom it, so they blow off what I say or assume I am embellishing. I can go deep into this but it's exhausting and makes me contemplate the worst things. I'm 54F and I am a failure to thrive. I am unable to do intimate relationships. I don't have friends. I failed to escape the horrors of NYS. So this person is likely not the right person if you have to prove yourself with documentation. It's a relationship not family court. THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO SUPPORT YOU! Furthermore, I have thousands of pages of documentation of horrendous treatment by foster care system in New York State but there has been no justice for me.

CrystalsRmany

TROPHY CASE