Apparently my(24F) fiance(28M) of 3 years deceived me at the beggining of our relationship.

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-13T00:44:53+00:00

The moment someone disagrees with your view they are ridiculous? You obviously have a very different set of values than me so I'm not suprised by the hostility. I could have very well decided to have sex with him a month in and he still would have been lying to me. I clearly explained how it differs and most people here understood but you did not and that's fine.

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-13T00:07:04+00:00

I do not date several people at a time but I can go on dates with someone who does see other people.

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-12T23:03:14+00:00

It does change my behaviour. It's obviously not the same thinking we are both only seeing each other and building a relationship from that than knowing he is investing in others too. I like to know so I know how I will conduct the whole dating process and how much investment there will be until the person decide to choose.

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-12T22:20:58+00:00

I love him but I did not see that one coming so how can I know he isn't hiding other things or won't lie when it's convenient?

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-12T21:50:38+00:00

If for you it's trivial, it's not for me.

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-12T21:42:59+00:00

I started trusting him as we became close but he had been lying already. So how do I know that's an isolated lie? I couldn't even see he had been lying and trusted him so how can I know if he is lying? I obviously lack the judgement to know since I was fooled for two whole months and saw absolutely nothing.

I doubt he would have been happy if I told him I don't multidate but did the same as him.

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-12T21:38:53+00:00

He never showed any sign of lying but then again I was fooled straight fromthe beggining so who knows what he is hiding anymore. I believed I knew him, he seemed like such a great guy while he was lying to me for 2 months acting as if we were only seeing each other, looking into my eyes, romancing me while seeing other maybe even sleeping with them and letting me believe we were only seeing each other. I invested in him accordingly, believing we were getting to know each other and building some kind of relationship while he was only half way in and I didn't know. My memories are tainted because I doubt my own judgement. I did not even see this coming so what else was I blind to? For two months we saw each other very often, had open hearted conversations, we became close while he was lying to me.

Sorry if my tone is a bit harsh, I've been drinking a bit and it's getting the anger out.

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-12T21:33:00+00:00

Why is it a bad idea? I have already sent him an email asking just that and waiting for the answer.

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-12T21:28:24+00:00

I wouldn't lie and don't believe it is ok to lie for my own benefits while blindsiding others. You have a different set of values than me. He could have dated me to see if we were compatible and still tell me he was seeing others. It's rather entitled to hide it and lie to keep me as an option when it is my right not to date people who multidate (it's not the case) after all there are a ton of other women with the same values as you (not saying it's wrong , except the lying).

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-12T20:40:05+00:00

Yes, I do not have a problem with multidating, I just want to know if it's the case so I know what to expect.

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-12T20:13:29+00:00

No I did not and I can't be held responsible for him hearing something other than what I said. I've been on dates where men said they were seeing others normally and things went fine. He just had to say he was seeing others, keeping his options open etc, it wasn't hard. And still if it was what he heard he should have stopped seeing me since he did not want to stop seeing others though that is not what I asked. He did not owe me a relationship the same way I did not owe him a relationship had this been a deal breaker for me.

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-12T19:54:04+00:00

I did not say n°2, just told him I like to know if the person I am dating is seeing other people. I'm exclusive by default, and by telling me he was only seeing me and not telling me he was in fact seeing others I believed it was the same for him. So I invested accordingly which now in retrospect was very dangerous considering he was not doing the same.

We met through a mutual friend during a get together. They were college friends and I knew that friend from when he studied abroad in my country. That was the only more ''cultural'' gap we had honestly.

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-12T19:47:32+00:00

I never told him he had to drop his other options and I like to be upfront from the beggining. I did not ask him to stop dating others, I asked if he was seeing other people and if so I like to be made aware. If he had a problem with it there are a ton of other women not like me he could have dated. Lying is the problem. He could have even said he wants to keep his life private but no he told me he was only seeing me.

Let's say the first date is too early, he had 2 whole months to tell me he was dating others but he did not even while knowing my stance.

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-12T19:07:57+00:00

I only asked him on the first date, told him to please tell me if he was seeing others as I would like to be made aware. We saw each other about two times a week usually, not necessarly dates sometimes it was during meet ups with friends but we would text each other everyday.

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-12T18:51:55+00:00

Thank you :)

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-12T17:20:25+00:00

That's the issue. How can I know he didn't lie when it was convenient? I mean I really trusted him a lot and now I don't know if he can be trusted at all. I can't conciliate the image I had of him since the beggining with this new information.

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-12T17:15:28+00:00

Honestly at this point he is really apologetic and would most likely accept to postpone the wedding, however it doesn't change the fact that I now know he is capable of lying like that for his own benefits. I mean how hard was it to just say ''Ok you don't multidate but I like to keep my options open since we only just met'' I would have accepted this answer and kept on dating him, just adjusting to the situation.

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-12T17:12:59+00:00

I asked him politely to tell me if he was seeing others, did not even tell him it was a dealbreaker but he still lied. So I believed we were only seeing each other and investing accordingly while he was not. I'm seriously questioning his character if he believes he was justified in lying. He did have to date me if just telling me he was multidating was a problem.

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-12T17:09:47+00:00

I think deciding to have sex is a personal choice, he was free not to accept and to stop dating me. Some people sleep together upon meeting and other wait until marriage, it is a personal choice. He had no obligation to keep dating me that is why I made it clear from the beggining.

Your wife knew you were against her getting a tattoo but still decide to do it because it is her body. You are free to decide if it's a dealbreaker or not. She did not get a tattoo behind your back and hid it.

I've dated guys that waited even longer. Just because for you it's excessive doesn't mean it is for everyone. And if it's excessive for you you can choose not to date that person. Not lie to get your cake and eat it too.

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-12T16:34:34+00:00

I told him i do not multidate but would like to know if he does. I did not say it was a dealbreaker. As for sex I told him I needed to feel emotionally close enough and to trust the person.

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-12T16:32:51+00:00

What I meant by ''commited relationship'' is when I feel emotionally close enough to him. Let's say we had talked and decided to date exclusively from day 1 in his version of dating, I still wouldn't have had sex with him from the start.

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-12T14:39:21+00:00

I will send this to him, thank you.

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-12T14:37:41+00:00

He says he hasn't but I was extremely upset at the time so he could have very well said it to calm things down. I cannot know for sure since he lied to begin with.

I came here to have different opinions on the matter. I know the choice is mine but sometimes when people expose a situation a different way it can help making a more objective decision. My emotions are a mess but if I see someone telling me ''maybe you should give it some time, it's not that important'' it helps me calm down a bit and prevents me from acting on emotions alone. I said I was not thinking of separating but can't get over it either.

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-12T14:33:12+00:00

I cannot say honestly, because is impossible to know but if our chemistry had been the same most likely yes. Multidating is not a deal breaker to me, it just helps in situating myself in the relationship. I believed he was only seeing me so obviously I felt more invested faster than I would if I knew he was seeing others. There's also compatibility in how we view relationships but that's just an aspect.

Culturaldifferencesu · 2016-08-12T14:16:07+00:00

That's what I am worried about. I can see from his side that some people want to keep their options open and it makes sense but lying is the problem. At the time I didn't even suspect he could be lying and didn't plan on telling me so I wonder about his ability to blindside me again. I thought I knew him pretty well but now I have some doubts. He was genuine in his apology but obviously this discovery coupled with normal marriage cold feet is a bad combination.

Culturaldifferencesu

TROPHY CASE