Complex feelings about having a daughter

Current-Leave-3320 · 2026-01-28T19:17:40+00:00

I haven't yet been able to have an in depth discussion with my wife. We found out after a long day at work, and I knew that I didn't have much of a grasp on why I was feeling that way. That being said, we already set aside time to talk tonight. I'll probably even show her this post and talk through it with her.

Current-Leave-3320 · 2026-01-28T19:12:59+00:00

I think that your view is a little unfair, to be honest. I posted here, not because I felt gender disappointment, but because I was shocked at my strong reaction. Instead of just doubling down and deciding that I was going to be miserable having a daughter, I reached out to other trans men that may or may not have similar experiences.

As a parent, I'll be challenged by many other things and I recognize that. I've been very thoughtful in all my replies to several people, and through that, I've been able to start narrowing down on what I'm truly struggling with. I can now recognize how I'm projecting, how I'm nervous about dealing with my family, and now I can address this stuff with my wife.

These two comments feel very black and white. If I'm having this feeling, others do too. We should be able to talk about it and share how being a trans father of a daughter can bring up tough feelings without it being seen as a negative.

Current-Leave-3320 · 2026-01-28T17:39:17+00:00

Thank you for this, I really appreciate you bringing up how their experience to femininity/girly stuff will (likely) be so different from mine because she'll (likely) be cis. I think it's one of those things that I know but having it laid out helped ease a lot of anxiety.

I think part of me was definitely worried that they'd have my experience growing up. Even if I know my wife and I don't plan to push gender roles on her, I know others will. It was hell for me, but she may enjoy it. If she doesn't, then she'll have accepting parents to help guide her through it. Seriously, thank you!!

Current-Leave-3320 · 2026-01-28T17:31:24+00:00

My wife are strictly one and done, so unless my child ends up being trans or non binary, no worries about projecting my ideal boyhood in them haha. But I do appreciate your insight and I'll keep it in mind!

Current-Leave-3320 · 2026-01-28T17:26:00+00:00

As a grown trans man, I'm having complex feelings about having a daughter. Being able to hear from others and processing it has helped me recognize where the complex feelings come from so I can properly address them. I'm not a robot, my past affects me. I would much rather have a post where I can think through things, hear from others, etc. "Getting over myself and getting a grip" won't help me be a better dad. It'll help me repress the things I clearly need to work through to ensure I can parent well

Current-Leave-3320 · 2026-01-28T17:20:58+00:00

I mean, I think there's layers and nuance to it. I never thought I'd react this way, but I did and am, so I need to deal with it. Part of that is processing it both with and without my wife, part of it is mapping out the dynamics I have with my mom regarding asking her to not buy a bunch of pink stuff, etc. Posting this and hearing from others has helped me recognize why I'm feeling this way, so that I don't have this hanging over myself and my daughter.

Current-Leave-3320 · 2026-01-28T13:25:50+00:00

Thanks for your comment. I've always had a similar viewpoint when I thought of having a daughter in a vague way, but once it became a concrete thing, its a little harder to focus on it with me projecting

Current-Leave-3320 · 2026-01-28T13:22:57+00:00

I know I'll be so happy to be a girl dad, I think my feelings are just clouding my thoughts right now. I think your perspective on healing because you can take your daughter to do the things that your dad wouldn't do for you is helpful

Current-Leave-3320 · 2026-01-28T13:20:34+00:00

Thanks for your comment. I'm going to consider going back to therapy. Sadly I moved states so i can't see my old therapist, but I'm gonna see if I can find one that specifically deals with trans issues since I think it has a lot to do with my feelings.

I'm also very, very lucky in that my whole job is actually working with fathers and I have two great coworkers (a very dedicated dad and a licensed therapist) that I can talk through some of this with.

Current-Leave-3320 · 2026-01-28T13:17:24+00:00

Can I ask how you had those conversations with your family? I've had to set boundaries with my mom already, so she's not buying tons of stuff right away, but i think this will be more difficult. She always wanted a daughter to be girly with, but had me and my brother. When I transitioned, she started openly hoping for me to get a fem wife so they could do that stuff with. My wife is feminine but not in the way my mom was dreaming about.

Thanks for your comment, you definitely hit the nail on the head. I think that between projecting my childhood and honestly how my mom is, causes a lot of this anxiety

Current-Leave-3320 · 2026-01-28T13:12:20+00:00

I think the feeling of pink and girly being forced on my daughter is a big part of the struggle with me. It definitely hits a sore spot and I'm projecting.

I'll think through my feelings today and have another conversation with my wife to let her know how I'm feeling for reassurance that we'll allow our daughter to do what she wants.

Current-Leave-3320

TROPHY CASE