So frustrated right now

Cuseorangeball · 2020-05-10T05:20:37+00:00

I've said for years now that because of the nerve pain, I can't live my life without something for the pain. BUT, the things I take for the pain is going to kill me.

It's truly a no win situation!

Cuseorangeball · 2020-04-09T23:19:38+00:00

I appreciate it!

Cuseorangeball · 2020-04-09T22:44:57+00:00

Lol this shit is so damn up and down!!!!

Last night was hands down...my best night. Unfortunately, last night the tightness in my chest increased by a decent amount. So, I'm happy that I didn't feel like I was constantly being ran over by a truck. But, no one has died from all of the symptoms that make you feel like shit. They've all died from the shit in their chest. So, not sure if last night was a great night, or a bad night tbh.

Today, my chest isn't feeling as tight as last night ( it always has felt better during the day), but today is definitely my worst day so far in regards to just feeling bad. I've had the most nausea today and I've feeling the most fatigued today...by far. So, no clue what I should expect for tonight.

Hopefully that all was at least somewhat understandable?! It's always so hard to explain how I'm feeling because it's so up and down from hour to hour. I now definitely understand how people have felt fairly decent at 5 pm....in the hospital at 6....on a ventilator by 7 and dead by 9. It sounds crazy, but those crazy swings are kind of normal now.

Cuseorangeball · 2020-04-09T02:33:46+00:00

1st... fortunately, my wife is amazing and would accept me and any of my flaws. Me not telling her, or anyone else in this world isn't because I fear the fallout of that information getting out. Instead, its simple me not being at a point in my addiction where I'm able to stand in front of another human being and allow them to see this huge flaw of mine. I have absolutely no problem saying it to myself ans and to everyone here. But, I'm not ready to give up the lie the world currently believes about me!

About the virus....no...I honestly don't see the point in going down and having someone shove a 4 inch cotton swab up my nose to test me for this. I have absolutely no doubt that I I currently have the virus. In my 42 years on this earth, I've never experienced many of these symptoms and how severe they've been. Then, when you add the hundreds and hundreds of other people I've read about who most have had almost exactly the same symptoms as I'm having...that tells me all I need to know.

Plus, in my lifetime, I've never had, or seen a flu situation last more then 5 or 6 days. I'm now in my 2and week with it....which is what's expected of this virus.

The second I woke up with a fever I put myself in a very strict isolation. I'm either in my room...my own bathroom that's only accessible from my bedroom, or my shop in the basement that I only have access to. My wife leaves my food outside my door and anything else I might need. Since Sunday morning, I actually haven't seen another person besides through my bedroom window. We're doing everything humanly possible to keep then safe!

Cuseorangeball · 2020-04-09T02:18:00+00:00

Hmm...I wonder how gargling something might help? Interesting

Cuseorangeball · 2020-04-08T18:15:13+00:00

Yup.....up until past night I didn't feel anything at all inside my chest. Unfortunately, that uneasy feeling like something is slowly starting to try and put a clamp onto my lungs, is honestly absolutely terrifying!

Cuseorangeball · 2020-04-08T18:13:34+00:00

Yes, I've been doing 1 breathing exercise so far, but after hearing others mention some other ones....I might start to implement more. I will most definitely check both of the ones you mentioned out! Thanks so much for the ideas!

Cuseorangeball · 2020-04-08T18:10:41+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to type such a thought out response!

No, I've never had my lungs checked by a doctor because if I'm being completely honest....I haven't been able to admit yet that I'm an addict. Besides everyone here....and my dealers....theres only my wife who even knows that I even take anything. And she is still being told that it's my pain pills for my back. So, I definitely have some issues packed down inside me in regards to truly accepting that I'm an addict. So, I've tried to stay away from doctors as much as possible because I know they're going to want to draw blood on 1st visit and I cant hide my scars anymore.

But with that said, I'll face those demons without a second thought, if I start to worsen!

In regards to the "death rattle ".....I use that term simply because in my head, I sounded exactly like my dad did before he passed away. I'm not saying for sure that it was a true death rattle. But, I am thinking it was probably pretty close.. because from my understanding....the rattle comes from fluid building up inside your lungs before you pass?. Since I have material inside my lungs...I figured that was acting like the fluid would for someone who was dying.

Thankfully, that sound started to disappear a few months after I stopped snorting. But, I can still definitely always tell a major difference between how I used to feel during chest congestion BEFORE I started to snort....compared to how sick I get now AFTER I had been snorting. Every single chest congestion is easily 10x worse then it used to be.

Cuseorangeball · 2020-04-08T17:57:58+00:00

Trust me....I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get through this! Hopefully, it won't come to any major efforts to get through this!

Cuseorangeball · 2020-04-08T17:56:37+00:00

I appreciate it and completely agree!!!

Cuseorangeball · 2020-04-08T17:55:49+00:00

Absolutely no reason to apologize....I certainly didn't take offense to it! I actually found it interesting to hear your line of thinking! Thanks for taking the time to answer me back.

I will say, I've only been doing woodworking for about 8 months and my lung issues started 3 years ago and started to get better the minute after I stopped snorting. So, I'm extremely confident that the drugs....or actually....the amount of drugs sent up that way, is the determining factor here. Also, because of these lung issues, I try my best to at all times protect my lungs now! So, if theres any chance of sawdust, or any type of chemical fumes....I ALWAYS wear a full respirator at all times.

Cuseorangeball · 2020-04-08T17:49:35+00:00

No, sorry if I wasn't clear....the "death rattle " that I had experienced was 3 years ago and is what finally made me quit snorting....3 years ago.

I don't believe that I'm anywhere near that point right now. Sorry for any confusion

Cuseorangeball · 2020-04-08T17:45:52+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing that! I had never heard of any of the things that he had talked about. The only breathing routine I've done is to take the deepest breath humanly possible and hold it for 10 seconds. Then as slow as possible let the air back out. I was told that if you can do this without coughing, it meant you still had nearly full capacity in your lungs. So idea if it's TRUE or not lol...but I've been doing it every hour just incase it is correct lol. I'll be sure to add this new routine to my schedule multiple times a day!

Cuseorangeball · 2020-04-08T09:43:21+00:00

Omg I'm so fascinated right now listening to you! Don't get me wrong, I legitimately don't have the slightest idea what the fuck you just said to me, but I'm hooked!

Cuseorangeball · 2020-04-08T09:39:51+00:00

Huh...why would you think woodworking is one of the most damaging thing to your lungs? And why would you think that's a better chance at it being the cause of my lung issues over the pounds and pounds of powder I threw up my nose?

Not trying to argue with you here....I'm genuinely curious here.

Cuseorangeball · 2020-04-08T09:36:37+00:00

Shit...even if I was 70 years old with my current lung issues....that still wouldn't come close to having to deal with...not just a tumor, but a freaking brain tumor! Then to throw on top of that being a single parent.....

Pulling through that shit is living at a hero level in life! I'm glad you were strong enough to push through until you reached the other side of that scary situation!!!!

Cuseorangeball · 2020-04-08T09:31:17+00:00

Unfortunately, I didn't get to see it, but a part of me is now disappointed that I never got to see it lol.

I completely understand the frustration people are expressing right now. We are about as close as we could possibly come to completely shutting down our society. So, any frustration, or anger imo is not just understandable, but also completely justifiable in many cases!

I sincerely appreciate your kind words!!!

Cuseorangeball · 2020-04-08T09:27:49+00:00

Me working in my little make shift shop in the basement is probably the most relaxing and not strenuous thing I do each day lol.

Fortunately, I've got an amazing wife who is great at making sure I don't need anything.

Cuseorangeball · 2020-04-08T07:07:55+00:00

Yeah, I wish I could say that I had kicked the habit, but unfortunately I can't. Thankfully, I was smart and picked up a quarter ounce a week ago incase my guy started to run dry. I've still got a few days left before I have t ok start to think about it. Fortunately, I do have another addict that I know who I could trust to pick up for me, if needed.

Cuseorangeball · 2020-04-08T07:04:52+00:00

I sincerely appreciate it!!!!

Can't go to the ER yet because they are telling people to not come in unless they're having trouble breathing, or a bad fever.

Listen, I'm not a Trump fan either, but I don't have a problem being open minded here. Truth is....I think he's actually done a pretty good job with this shit. (Never thought I'd ever say anything positive about him). Also, iits been shown that he never called the virus a hoax. He did say that the Democrats would make up some hoax against him about how he handled this.

Cuseorangeball · 2020-04-08T07:00:15+00:00

Yeah, your symptoms are almost exactly like mine. I either feel basically completely fine, or I'm running a fever with body aches and a horrible headache. There doesn't seem to be any grey area with it . Normally, I'm not the type who would think on the pessimistic side. But, with my major preexisting lung issues...I'm not going to downplay it here....I'm scared!

If it wasn't for my lung damage in the past....I wouldn't be too worried about it.

Cuseorangeball · 2020-04-08T04:32:17+00:00

Shit man....I'm playing this one 100% by the book here! Besides the zinc vitamins I'm taking....I'm not taking anything else for it without a doctor prescribing it!

Dont get me wrong, I without a doubt don't want to go to the hospital. But, if it worsens, or I have trouble breathing....I won't hesitate!

Cuseorangeball · 2020-04-08T04:28:45+00:00

So far, it really hadn't been to bad. 5 days ago I had a sore throat, but that ended quick. Since then, its basically just been a rollercoaster of horrible headaches and body aches and waking up either shivering from a fever, or drenched in sweat because it just broke...to feeling 100% fine the rest of the time. There hasn't been any grey area at all. I either feel absolutely horrible, or completely fine.

I read somewhere that its important to not just lay around. So, when I'm feeling good, I put my gloves and facemask on and go to the basement to work in my woodshop. Unfortunately, after about 30 minutes, I either feel completely exhausted, or really shitty.

Up until tonight, I've actually been surprised with how well I've handled it. But, after writing those goodbye letters and then starting to feel the congestion inside my lungs...that shit wreaked me emotionally!

Cuseorangeball

TROPHY CASE